Page 84 of Chasing Honor

“Turns out it was about her. I asked her after she told me about your surgery, why she didn’t stick around for Carson. She told me she never wanted to be a parent, still doesn’t. She’s happy living her life child-free.”

“So why did you shut me out when she came by your house?”

“Our house,” I corrected. “I’ve always been scared Chrissy would change her mind and come back and try and take Carson from me. That’s why I overreacted when we first met at the park. I saw you taking Carson’s picture and the first thing I thought was Chrissy had hired a PI to follow us and take pictures.”

“Me? A PI?” Honor smiled at the absurdity. “Looking at it from your point of view I can understand why you’d be worried. Hell, I’m worried Chrissy is even in the same state as Carson. I love her so much, I don’t know what I’d do if Chrissy tried to take her from you.”

“From us.”

God, I’d fucked up so badly. Why hadn’t I listened to everyone and talked to Honor about Chrissy the day she came by the house? Instead, I’d let something so stupid draw out and had hurt the woman I loved due to my inability to man up and tell her the truth about my feelings.

“So, you thought she’d try and take her?”

“No. Chrissy told me she didn’t want her. She wasn’t there to take Carson, but her presence threw me back to a time where I’d begged her to stay and raise Carson with me. Every time I pleaded, she’d refused. It didn’t matter what I said, she was leaving. Which brought me to you. If I couldn’t compel the mother of my child to stay with me, what would happen when you tried to leave me, and I couldn’t make you love me.”

“You can’t make me love you. Not in the way you’re talking about. And why would you want to? You’d never be happy with me if you had to make me stay? I don’t want to leave you, Ethan, but you have to trust me. You don’t need to try and do anything. I love you because of who you are, both as a man and as a father. This is never going to work if we can’t communicate.”

“You’re right. And I do trust you. I think I have to learn to trust myself and let go of the guilt I feel.”

It felt good to get the weight of my issues off my shoulders and let Honor in. I’ve been so used to bottling up my feelings and keeping everything to myself that it was strange, in a good way, to have someone to share them with. I’d never trusted anyone enough to talk about how much I resented Chrissy for being able to go forward with her life. I knew it didn’t mean I loved Carson any less, but I still worried how it would make me look.

“What do you have to feel guilty about?”

“That I’m not giving Carson—”

“Stop,” Honor cut me off. “You’re a damn good father. We’ve talked about this before. That little girl wants for nothing. She has so many people around her that love her and spoil her it’s not even funny. Hell, your big, badass dad is making a special stop to pick up ice cream for her. I know all she had to do was ask nicely and he caved, uncaring it was a school night. He’d give her the world if she asked. And, handsome, Carson has everything she needs in you. The rest? The extras? They’re just icing on an already delicious cake. You have a great job, a nice house, and you provide everything she needs. To hell with Chrissy. Her loss—not Carson’s.”

I loved how fierce Honor became when she spoke about Carson. Another regret, not falling to my knees and thanking my lucky stars this woman loved me and my daughter. Instead I’d behaved like a fucking coward and had run.

“I should also tell you, when Carson asked if you were going to be her mom, I was so fucking happy. I remembered what you’d said about me not having found the right woman before you. The woman I wanted as my wife and Carson’s mom. I’d already recognized who you were to me and who I wanted you to be in the future. But hearing Carson tell me she felt it too was . . . well, it was beyond words. And I ruined it by allowing my insecurities about Chrissy to override what I knew to be true.”

“Who am I to you, Ethan?”

“My everything. The woman I’m going to marry. The mother of my children. My teammate. My friend. You are my first thought each morning and last person I want to hold every night. I will prove to you I’m the man for you. I’ll stop at nothing until you know, deep in your soul, how much I love you and how sorry I am. I didn’t mean what I said to you in your room. I am ready. More than. I want us to be a family.”

“You said you needed time and we were going too fast.”

“Did you miss the part where I said I was an idiot, and a coward, and I was acting like a scared little boy, instead of a man who knew with great certainty he’d found his other half?”

Honor smiled, and, for the first time since Sunday, it was a real honest to God grin.

“I must’ve missed that part.”

“I’ll work on my communication skills. But next time I act like an asshole, please don’t run. I’m begging you to stay and fight for us. I’m man enough to admit I will fuck up in the future. But we have to be in this together. I trust you won’t abandon me and Carson if you can trust me when I tell you I am working on letting my past go.”

“I can do that.”

“Thank you.”

There’s a saying—once words are spoken they can be forgiven but not forgotten. It would be a while before the careless words I’d said to Honor would be forgiven. But they would be. If I worked every day, giving her nothing but love and happiness, the sting of my stupidity would fade.

She was giving me a chance. That’s all I needed.

25

“Are you sure about this?” Ethan asked, pacing the hospital room.

“Yes. We talked about it.”