Page 35 of Sorrow & Strangers

“Sum?” she asks, her words muffled by a yawn.

“Hi,” I say, towel-drying my hair.

“What are you doing up?” she asks, rubbing her eyes.

“I went for a run.”

“Gross,” she says, and while her expression is one of disgust, her eyes shine with something akin to pride.

Alice watches me with cautious optimism as I start to braid my hair into French braids. This is the most she’s seen me care for myself in months, and I can tell she’s relieved.

“Classes today?” she asks.

I nod after a moment of hesitation. I’m not sure how I will do, being surrounded by people who know all my shit. Once again I will be the weirdo, and this time I won’t have Connor to balance me out. He was the reason people began to accept me.

Alice climbs out of bed and wraps her arms around my waist, looking at me. “No going backwards,” she repeats the words she voiced last night. I barely remember getting home, but not because I was drunk. As much as I wish that were the reason, I was sober the second Max started touching me. I don’t remember much of my run back to the house, but Alice’s words ring clear as glass through my mind. She squeezes me, bringing me back to the present, and I nod.

“Love you,” she says, looking at me.

“Love you too.”

She watches me for a long moment, obviously deciding if I’m in a good enough place that she can leave me alone. On the worst days, she wouldn’t, not even for a second. She must see something that reassures her because she eventually pulls back and leaves my room to get dressed.

I sit on the bed, the movement drawing attention to that ache at my core again. I wish I could pretend it is unpleasant, but it’s not, and each time pleasure trips through me, it elevates my guilt. Alice breezes back into my room, interrupting my twisting thoughts as they spiral around my betrayal. She’s still buttoning her shirt, but she could obviously sense that I need her.

“Ready?” she asks, something in her eyes softening. I know it’s not what she really wants to ask, but we both know if she asks what she really wants to know, ‌it’ll just make it worse. I’m not strong enough to voice my feelings yet. Alice grasps my hand and pulls me to my feet. “Come on. We got this.”

I exhale heavily and nod, holding on to her hand as if it is the only thing keeping me anchored to the earth. Alice grabs a pastry and hands it to me on the way out the door. My stomach curdles at the mere thought of food, but I pick at it as we walk across campus. This isn’t just a lack of appetite, but pure nerves. I am reluctant to face my peers and deal with the wrongness of being in this space without Connor. Add to that what happened last night, and all these emotions are coalescing into a pool of deep discomfort.

Alice and I are about to step into my first class, but I stop, remembering my promise. She looks at me, confusion and concern warring on her face. “I need to go see the headmaster,” I say, squeezing her hand in reassurance.

“I’ll walk you there,” she says immediately.

“We have different classes anyway. It’s fine,” I say, shaking my head. She has been making more of an effort in her classes this year, and I don’t want her to be late.

She hesitates and pulls me away from the door as a couple of students squeeze past us. “Please let me.” The sound of concern in her voice makes it very difficult to say no, so I relent, and we wordlessly walk to the headmaster’s office. She stops outside his terrifying door and smiles at me. “You’re good?” she asks.

“I am,” I assure her.

She hesitates for another moment. I can tell she’s trying to decide if she should just come in with me, but there must be a part of her that knows I need to do this alone. She pulls me into a tight hug before heading off to her class, and I can see that she’s practically forcing herself to leave me.

I take a breath before I knock on his door. He invites me in, his deep voice sending shivers down my spine.

He looks up when I close the door behind me. “Miss Tuatha De Daanan, you’ve returned,” he says, gesturing to the chair in front of him, and I sit down. He obviously wasn’t entirely convinced that I would actually show up this morning.

“Yes, sir. Or at least, I think so.” I hate how unsure I sound. My confidence may be shot, but I don’t want him to see the true extent.

“You think so?” he asks, tilting his head.

“My engagement ring?” I ask, looking past him and changing the subject. I’m not in the mood for a lecture or even a well-meaning discussion about what is best for me.

I feel his intense silver eyes on me, but then he looks away. He opens one of his desk drawers, and only then do I look at him. He pulls out the small ring, and the stones catch the light. I feel myself stop breathing as my heart shatters.

“I had it cleaned,” the headmaster says as he places it on the desk between us, the shining gold stark against the dark wood.

My hand trembles as I reach for it, and the second my fingers brush against the cool gold, a sob rips from my throat.

I cheated. I cheated on Connor. My love. My fiancé.