Page 57 of After Care

I heard Masie walk away from the door and then another door opened. There was a slam in the background and then a sharp rap on the bathroom door again.

“Edie, let me in,” Tommy bellowed. Oh, God, no, go away, I thought. I couldn’t let him see me like this. I promised myself no tears. I told myself I could be strong. I could walk away. I would walk away.

“Tommy, honey, I need to get ready to go. I’ll be out in a while.” We weren’t saying goodbye; he told me last night. “Tell Ivy I said safe travels and kiss the girls again for me.” Another sob threatened to escape and I covered my mouth with both hands. My voice refused to steady. I had faked a normal tone as long as I could.

“Let me in, darlin’.” The handle to the bathroom door jiggled. His voice rose, a touch of agitation to it. I shook my head as if he could see me. No, I thought again. No way. My hands remained over my mouth.

A thump on the door and it shot inward, opening towards me. Turning to face him, I was horrified to find he’d broken the door, but his expression of wide eyes and open mouth proved he was equally surprised. I was a mess of tears, and I spun away from him.

“Darlin’.” He touched my shoulder, and I shuddered, but I kept my back to him. He forced me to turn and pulled me into a hug, tucking me under his chin and into his chest. He let me cry, the tears no longer able to be retained, the sob escaping with a sharp bark. We stood like this a few seconds before he spoke.

“Darlin’, do you want to see me again?”

I nodded, afraid my voice would crumble to begging. “But I can’t.”

“Why?” he said, pushing me back and trying to make me focus on his face.

“I’m going to die.” Thoughts of cancer consumed me. It wouldn’t be fair to involve him in my history and any potential of relapse in the future.

“When?!” He barked, his eyes wide like I’d left out the details of my doom. Panic filled his face.

“Someday,” I cried, tears streaking my face.

“When, beautiful?” he asked, lowering his voice, a smile in his tone.

“I don’t know,” I said, exasperated. “I’m in remission, but I can’t saddle anyone with this,” I added, tugging at my short hair. He chuckled, and I looked up, surprised and hurt.

“Who’s saddling? Besides, I want to ride, Edie.” He tugged me to him again.

“I’m being serious,” I cried.

“Me, too.” He kissed my forehead.

“Why me?” I asked, suddenly changing directions as I continued to think of all the reasons we shouldn’t be together, when it was the very thing I wanted.

“Why not you?”

“Don’t answer a question with a question,” I mocked, laughing through tears, sensing I’d reached hysteria in my grief at our departure.

“Okay,” he softly laughed. “Timing.”

I rolled my eyes, hating that answer. Someone once said the same thing about David. The timing was right, and David was there, so we were together. I got pregnant; that’s why we were married. And if relationships were about timing, how many had I missed out on? How much time had I lost? Sensing my displeasure with his answer, he tried to continue.

“Okay, it’s because—”

“I can’t have children,” I blurted.

“You think I want them?” he said in frustration. His brows furrowed. “I’m surrounded by children.” He snorted, implying the wayward actions of the band. “Plus, I’ve been around Ivy since the day she was born.”

I sighed, and he tugged me to him again.

“Edie.” When he said my name, I knew he was about to say something serious and I immediately missed him calling me darlin’. “Let’s ride, beautiful. See what happens. I’m not talking marriage here, just sex and some fun.”

I nodded, although I didn’t fully like that answer.

“Remember what fun is, darlin’?”

“Actually, no, not until recently,” I replied, rolling my forehead against his chest.