Page 122 of Allegiant

“Well, things can change.” That’s another lie. Besides being incredibly hurt, nothing much has changed for me. I do love him. I miss him.

I still want him.

But it doesn’t matter. He betrayed me in a terrible way, and I can’t let that go. I really can’t. Adam would tell me to leave, to run far away, to protect myself. Otherwise I’ll just get hurt again. I didn’t listen to him once; I’m not ignoring him now.

Samson’s right. I really do need to see a therapist.

“Well, even if you’re not with Samson, we can still be friends,” Neo says earnestly.

The walls around my heart grow higher. I let them in once before, and look what happened. I’m not making the same mistake twice.

I can’t listen to any more of this. It’s breaking something fundamental in me. I thought there was nothing left of me to break, but I was wrong. Leaning down, I sweep Nugget into my arms. He squirms, but I just want to get out of here, want to close the door on this chapter of my life. Literally. “We won’t ever be friends.”

Ansel’s face contorts. “But⁠—”

I hate that I’m making him sad. It goes against everything I stand for. My chin trembles as I force myself to hold it high. “Excuse me. I have to go.”

Neo’s hand thrusts out. “Wait! I made you a potion! Even came up with my own chant.”

I stare down at the small vial in his hand and give a hollow laugh. “I don’t want your potion.”

“But I crafted it just for you. It’s a forgiveness one.”

“I forgive you,” I say quietly, closing his fingers around the vial. “But I can’t be in your life anymore. I’m sorry.”

Ansel lets out a soft sob while Neo digs in a little further. He’s the more stubborn one. “Just, please, come back with us. Samson needs you.”

His words are like a punch to my gut. “Samson doesn’t need me. Only one person ever needed me, and I failed him. He died. Because of me. And guess what? Samson was going to kill me for it.” I shove open my door, my throat bobbing. “Sometimes I wonder if we’d all be better off if he had.”

I don’t mean that either. The thought of never having met Samson? Of never spending these weeks with him?

That’s worse than anything I can imagine.

If only that could be enough.

“Don’t say that,” Ansel whispers, a tear rolling down his cheek. “Samson does need you. We all do.”

Neo bobs his head frantically. “We do.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeat softly. “I need a clean break.”

Neo purses his lips, throwing the small vial into my apartment. It knocks into the small end table and rolls over to my feet as I shut the door and lock it.

I want to throw it back out like some kind of live grenade, but I don’t have the energy. A large part of me wants to let Ansel and Neo back into my life. To let them hold me as I cry and work out a way forward. As if such an option exists.

But it doesn’t. There’s no coming back from this.

I rest my forehead against the doorjamb and exhale just as I hear a commotion outside.

“In sickness and in health we go, become our friend again, not our foe!” Neo shouts.

Despite myself, my lips curl up at how ridiculous it sounds. I can’t stop myself from bringing my eye to the peephole. I watch as Cade and Wylder appear, grabbing the two of them around the waist. Ansel fights for a moment, but then sags into Cade’s arms, crying softly. Neo is kicking though, upset at being restrained. “Fuck off, Wylder. I want him to talk to us.”

“He doesn’t want to, brat. He’s hurt.”

“So am I! I liked him. And there are so few people I do like.”

That has a sob hiccuping from my throat. I’m hurting them. I fucking hate that. That’s not the person I am.