Page 138 of The Monster and the Masochist

But it was more than that.

Mentally, I was a disaster.

Cassandra had completely surprised me the night before.

I’d thought for sure she wouldn’t want to continue to deal with me once she’d seen just how messed up I was… But she didn’t throw me away like I’d expected her to.

If anything, she’d done the opposite.

She’d almost violently refused to allow me to leave.

As relieved as I was about it… I didn’t really trust it.

It was only a matter of time.

Maybe she thought she could fix me or some shit, but I knew better.

Whatever Samwell had broken inside me wasn’t fixable.

I had ups and downs.

Clearly, I was very much in the throes of a down right now, but I knew how this went.

I would spiral until I hit rock bottom, then I would swear it all off and throw myself into doing my best to be better.

That would last for a few weeks or months until I’d lulled myself into a false sense of security… then it would all happen again.

Cass might be willing to stick it out this time.

Maybe even the time after that…

But once she realized being with me was a never-ending ride on Satan’s merry-go-round, she would be desperate to get off.

For fuck’s sake, I was desperate to get off, and it was my satanic merry-go-round.

It would just be so much easier if I ended things now.

Less of a waste of everyone’s time.

I was pulled from my depressing ass thoughts when the elevator dinged. Cass stepped into the condo, looking as exhausted as I felt.

Checking the time on my phone, I frowned.

“You’re home early,” I commented, and she glanced at me, shrugging.

“Nolan told me to go home. I was pretty useless today. Besides, I wanted to check on you.”

Biting back the rush of irritation I felt over the fact that she’d been spending time with Nolan, I nodded, wincing slightly as the motion made my head swim.

“Won’t missing work mess with your plan to make partner? You shouldn’t risk that just to check up on me.”

Cass stared at me for a long moment before putting her bag down and stalking over to the couch to sit with me.

“This case is… It’s been really hard for me. Our client is a fucking monster. I… I’m really struggling with it.”

Surprise exploded through my chest, but I did my best to keep my expression neutral.

“Oh yeah?” I asked, pretending I didn’t already know exactly how much of a monster her client was.