Page 31 of Chalk It Up

“Alright, sweet girl. Let’s get you washed up real quick, teeth brushed, and into bed. You’ve had a long day.” August picks up his sleepy girl and starts carrying her upstairs to get her ready for bed. “I’ll be right back if you don’t mind waiting for just a few minutes.” He turns back to me and announces.

“Of course, I don’t mind at all.” We smile at each other and he continues up stairs with Addie in tow. I decide there’s no point in sitting here doing nothing, so I clean all of my things, and finish up the dishes that August abandoned in favor of his daughter. It’s only fair, he cooks, I clean. Seems like a good trade off.

chapter 22

Evie

I got the kitchen cleaned and put back together by the time August came back down stairs from getting Addie into bed, and joined me in the kitchen. I really hope he didn’t rush through her bedtime routine for me. I know that kids see quality time as a sign of love from their parents, and I never want to take that from Adeline, even just a few minutes. She has enough hurt from her mom that she doesn’t need to feel optional to her dad as well. Another fact that I need to keep in the forefront of my mind while August and I have this chat, because I’m fearful that logic is going to escape me. I should’ve written everything down. I do way better with a written list than relying on my memory.

“How’s Addie doing? Does she fall asleep easily enough?” I know some kids of divorced parents and those with other types of trauma have a hard time coping with bedtime. I really pray that Addie doesn’t carry any of that with her.

“Oh yeah, she goes down like a rock pretty much every bedtime.” He explains while leading us both outside to the porch. Before we reach the door, he swipes the most beautiful afghan off one of the chairs in his living room. “Care to join me outside?” I love that he asks. He already knows I want to have this conversation, but checks how I’m feeling in the moment regardless.

“I would love nothing more.” I say beaming up at him because I really would love nothing more than a quiet evening on the porch, listening to the dogs play, and the water lap on the shore while the moon is painted on its surface. We reach the top step and sit side by side settling in for the moment I’m terrified for. I’ve fallen hard for August, but I’m not sure how any of it would work on paper. August sets the afghan over my shoulders like he did with his jacket and the memory makes me hopeful. Our knees bump each other while we sit and the connection makes me feel thirteen again and like this is the closest I’ve ever been with a boy. He gives me that indescribable hope that usually only comes with youth and innocence.

August takes a resolving deep breath and shifts so he’s facing me, giving me a gorgeous view of his vibrant green eyes. He starts and doesn’t hold back. “Evie, I’m entranced by you. Everything about you feels so catastrophically unreal that I constantly check to make sure I still have a pulse.”

He shakes his head like he can’t believe he’s saying all of this and I’m right there with him. “I don’t know when it started or how I got here, but the way I feel is irrevocable and I wouldn’t change it if I could. For the longest time, I’ve battled with the two ‘Augusts’ inside me. One man who is happy and content with just him and his daughter.” He uses his hands as scales to indicate his internal lack of balance. “And the other man who is jaded and upset that he couldn’t have the picture perfect life he had hoped for himself.” I feel so badly for how he views himself. Like his feelings are wrong to have.

“Evie, you make me feel like both of those Augusts are the same person. That I am in fact happy and content, but that I can somehow have the life I’ve always pictured.” He couldn’t sound more earnest than if he were begging for water in the desert. “I know you carry a lot of hurt and I’m sure with that hurt there is some deep mistrust, but Evangeline, I will move the mountain we all live on to make sure you know that you can trust me.”

He takes another deep breath and continues on, and I’m more than happy to listen to this man speak. He could read me the phone book and I would thank him for his time and service. “I know that is a lot to take in right out of the gate, but I need you to know how I feel. So that if you decide you don’t want to pursue anything, I can know I put my entire heart out there. And that includes Addie.

“I have to put everything on the line plainly because, quite frankly, I don’t have the time or desire to play games. I’ve experienced enough to know if something is worth the effort, and you are. But I also want you to know that Addie is my whole heart and Evie, I trust you with her. You’ve shown her a mother’s kind of love and have shown up for her when you don’t even have to. That’s not to overwhelm you, but to speak candidly to you.”

“I appreciate your honesty so much, and I promise I’m not overwhelmed at all.” Little does he know my brain is already moving in the same direction as his as far as this relationship is concerned.

“Not every teacher cares for their students even on a surface level, but you go above and beyond for Addie in ways I could never thank you for. I came off brash and guarded when we first finally got to talk, but I have so much to protect. Myself, but mostly Addie. I’m sorry about that.” I stop him right there.

“Hey August, you don’t need to apologize for anything.” I shoot his words right back to him because I fear him and I both have a problem apologizing when we don’t need to. Especially with each other.

“You’re so unreal. Thank you, Evie. If I had even a glimmer of doubt that you would hurt her in any way, we wouldn’t be sitting on this porch. So I guess I say all of that to ask, how’re you feeling and where’s your mind at?”

I take a few beats to mull over everything he’s just said. Because he really just said everything. I thought I’d be laying out all of my cards, but he just showed me his entire hand. August really does have two people battling it out inside of him, and I adore the August who is splaying and bleeding his heart out for me on his front porch.

He’s right that this is so much to take in right now, but we’ve both had our hearts broken and don’t have space in our lives to play games. After you’ve been divorced, you somehow gain this superpower to know just who is worth it and who is full of it.

Some women would be entirely overwhelmed by all of the thoughts and emotions that August just spelled out for me, but I’m not. I need to be able to make the right decision to protect myself and I can’t do that without all of the information at hand.

He’s looking down, playing with his fingers waiting for me to put him out of his misery. I think he believes I’ll genuinely turn him away, and I know I should. But something else entirely tells me that we can figure out a solution for all of the reasons we shouldn’t be together.

I angle my body toward August, our knees knocking even more, and I grab both of his hands to bring his attention back to me. This is the first time I’ve really held his hands besides when they were on my face, and it's the most companionable, simple feeling I’ve experienced with another person. The nerves he’s experiencing are written all over his face and I’m determined to erase all of it.

“August, I think I shared enough of what’s hurt me for you to understand how difficult it would be to trust someone else. My chest is tight with pain from the memories. I feel like August can sense that and scoots in just a little closer. His body brings such sweet relief.

“The pull I feel toward you is nothing I’ve ever felt before, even with Dustin.” I take a second to just stare into August’s deep green eyes. They mirror the trees around us and I just want to run around and get lost in them.

“I know exactly the man you are because I’ve seen exactly the girl that Adeline is. She is the loving, compassionate, enthusiastic little girl she is because yes, that’s part of her personality, but she sees it in her daddy every day. Watching you with Addie is captivating. It’s one of the most beautiful relationships I’ve ever experienced and I’m only on the sidelines.

“You’re a natural caretaker and Addie is so blessed to have that love and devotion from you.” My voice is thick with joy and sadness. I’m so thankful Addie has an environment to thrive in. I mourn never having had that. “And it would be the joy of my life to experience that too, but August, there are so many reasons this can’t and wouldn’t work.” I wonder if he can hear the disparity in my voice. How deeply I want to be with him, but know it’s easier said than done. “We’re both divorced and you know how this town loves to gossip about people who don’t fit their idea for a perfect family.” He laid it all out and I’m going to as well and it might just kill me.

“Let them talk. I have never cared what the people in this town have to say and I’m not starting now. Evie, that's such a non-factor.” He sounds as desperate as I feel and I want to stay in this spot under the clear sky forever. “I hope I can help you to live freely without concern for what others are thinking about you.” Just that response alone has a weight lifted. I don’t need to worry about what the town thinks.

“Okay, but August, what about my job?” He makes every issue sound so solvable in the moment, but I'm still nervous. “Don’t you think it would be unprofessional or it would put me at risk of losing my job if anyone found out?”

“For one, we’re not some dirty little secret for people to find out. I would shout my feelings about you from the rooftop.” He brushes some hair behind my ear that's fallen out of place, and I lean into his touch as much as I do his words. “But I respect your concern. If you want, we can always wait until the school year is over before people know. That’s a long time from now and I’m dying for everyone to know you’re mine, but I’ll do whatever you’re most comfortable with.” He drops his hand and sets it back in mine. Right where it belongs.

“Oh, I’m yours, am I, Billionaire?” I love playing with August. It would be an impossible task to choose which side of August is my favorite, but his playful side is definitely in the top three.