Page 101 of You Know You Wanna

“Well, uh, he says it’s to get the ball rolling on the golf course expansion before winter comes, but I kind of think he’s not ready to leave just yet.”

“I’m happy for you,” I said sincerely, forcing myself to smile even though the news made the spot where my heart used to be hurt even more.

Declan wasn’t ready to leave yet, so he was casually staying for another whole season just because he didn’t want things to end with Gracie. Yet Remington was gone.

At the drop of a hat—or a phone call from his lawyer, to be precise—he’d taken off. I knew it wasn’t his fault. Declan didn’t have a child or a demon-possessed ex to fight against for custody of said child. He could stay here whereas Remington had to save his daughter from being shipped off across the ocean.

As much as I wanted to, I still couldn’t fault him for that. To the very core of my being, I believed he’d done the right thing by fighting for her, but knowing that didn’t make it easier. I slid off my chair in the bar and smiled at her again.

“I really am happy for you, Gracie. I need to go talk to Alan, but I’ll pop in again later.”

She nodded, waving at me. As I strode out, I thought about Declan and the fact that he was staying. Sure, he had the golf course expansion to oversee, but it wasn’t like he had to be here for it.

As an investor, it would’ve been easy to give the money and leave, but he was free to work from here and so he’d chosen to stay and do that instead. He had made a choice and now it was my turn to do the same.

As I thought it all over now, I was still wondering if I was doing the right thing. And then, as if he was a sign from the universe itself, Alan strode into the lobby, grinning when he saw me.

“Don’t leave the resort to me,” I blurted out as soon as he was within earshot.

He frowned, but then he burst out laughing and led me to the little office he kept. Shutting the door behind him, he strode to the other side of his desk and sat down, waving me into a chair as well.

Embarrassment flushed my cheeks with heat and I winced as I looked into his eyes. “I’m so sorry it came out that way. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I’m flattered, and I love you. I love Blue Pines and you know that I’ll always be here for it and for you, but don’t leave it to me in your will.”

“I can’t say I’m not disappointed,” he said, but there was a smile on his lips and he didn’t appear to be angry at all. “That being said, I would never tie you down if you don’t want to be tied down. Only God knows how many times I’ve wondered if I wanted to be tied down here anymore.”

He let out a soft sigh. “This place had become my life by the time I started wondering, though. Besides, I could never leave it, but you?”

“I really do love it here, Alan,” I said, feeling pressure rising in my throat and pressing behind my eyes. “I’m immensely grateful to you for giving me a job and for letting me stay here for so long. This place will always be my first love, but⁠—”

“It’s not your only love,” he finished for me. “Not anymore.”

“It’s not only about Remington, though,” I murmured, pushing the words out past the massive lump lodged in my throat. “I want more. I need more. For so long now, I’ve been lying to myself about being happy staying in one place for my whole life. I want to get out there. I want to see all the places I stare at online and I want to experience what it’s like to immerse myself in a neighborhood where no one knows my name.”

Alan’s eyes moved from one of mine to the other. “It might not only be about Remington, but he is part of it. A big part, I’d say. You’re in love with him.”

“I am,” I admitted, my voice way too small. The tears finally came, refusing to be pushed back any longer. “It doesn’t matter, though. It seems like too little, too late, but I can’t give up on my dreams again now that I remembered I had them. I need to do this. I have to leave and go find out what else is out there for me.”

My voice cracked on the last sentence and I buried my face in my hands, the tears evidence of my relief for finally having said it as well as my fear about leaving. Blue Pines was not only my home but my comfort zone.

The people here were my family, the mountains my backyard. I couldn’t believe that I was actually talking about leaving it, but as much as I loved it here, I knew that I could always come back. If I stayed though, I would stay forever, and then, when it was really too late, I’d die with giant regrets about not following my dreams.

I’d promised myself that I wasn’t going to fall back into old habits when Remington left and that was what I was doing now, fulfilling that promise to myself. A soft scrape of a chair let me know that Alan had stood up, and the next thing I knew, he sat down on the armrest of the chair I was on, wrapping his arms around me in a comforting hug.

“Hey, now,” he murmured as he rested his head on top of my own. “You’re not leaving forever, Birdie. We’ll be right here, and whenever you miss us, you’ll always have a place to stay or a job if you want it.”

“I know, but this place has been such a big part of my life for such a long time and so have you,” I said through the storm of emotion raging deep within. “I don’t want to let you down and I’m so damn scared that I’m making a mistake. I just feel like I owe it to myself to at least try.”

“Of course, you do,” he said, his voice tender but strong. “You are doing the right thing, sweetheart. I would’ve loved to be able to tell you that you should stay, but I can’t do it. You need to follow your heart. Like I did when I was young. I got married to the love of my life and started a resort on my family’s property instead of selling it off to some developer.”

“Do you ever regret it?” I asked, pulling back to look into his wise eyes.

The same eyes I’d looked into just after my mom had died and I’d realized I needed to help my dad. The same eyes that had met mine from across the grave when we buried my father. For over a third of my life, those were the eyes I’d looked into when I needed to talk, when I wanted comfort, and even when I got chastised for messing up.

It was a bittersweet moment when he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. “No, Birdie. I’ve never regretted it. It was a decision that still brings me immense joy, and sure, I’ve wondered if I should move on, but I can’t and I haven’t because I don’t really want to. You do. Follow your heart, girlie. Whatever you do in this life, just follow your heart. Trust yourself at least enough to do that.”

It sounded scary as hell to me, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready, but I still had a little bit of summer left and some money saved up. I supposed this was as good a time as any to at least try.

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