Page 115 of Before We Break

“Mommy.”

One word is all it takes.

I won’t cry. I can’t cry. One of us has to be strong. I blink and blink until the threat is gone, then I pull my feet back and shift upright. “Noah. Go down to the market and get a pregnancy test, please.” The words hang between us, but they don’t settle, stirring up a million questions I don’t yet have the answers to. “Please.”

Noah stops beside Lexi’s chair, giving her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Something unspoken passes between us as we lock eyes above her. “I’ll be right back. I promise.”

The door closes behind him, and I shift to the edge of the cushion, taking Lexi’s trembling hand in mine. “Lexi, look at me.”

Her bloodshot eyes spear straight through my heart, and I’m not just seeing my daughter anymore—I’m staring into the eyes of a sixteen-year-old Clio, terrified and alone. But Lexi isn’t alone. She has me, and I can be the mom I wish I had at her age. No matter what happens from this moment on, it won’t be the same for Lexi as it was for me. I will be her Aunt Penny, not her Tonya Anderson.

“I’m sorry,” she chokes out.

My body moves before I’m conscious of it. I wrap her in a tight hug, and she sobs against my shoulder.

I somehow find the strength to hold back my tears. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Whatever happens, I’m here for you.”

“I should’ve told you when we”—she heaves out an uneven breath—“we didn’t plan it. I just… I love him.”

My first instinct is to push back against this notion of love, but I remember what it was like to be a teenage girl with her first crush. It’s so easily mistaken for love at that age, especially when you grow up absent a loving father.

Daddy issues are a hell of a drug.

Or maybe I’m just cynical, and they really do love each other. I’m not exactly an expert on the subject.

I loosen my grip so I can get my bearings, taking her hands in mine. “When did it happen?”

She stares at where we’re connected, and a tear lands against the back of my hand. “The first time was after Christmas. Then a couple more times after that.”

I run my thumb back and forth in a soothing motion as I run through a list of possibilities. There’s a chance she’s not pregnant. Cycles can be unpredictable.

If I ever had any doubt, one thing is abundantly clear to me now. I am not my mother. I didn’t inherit her coldness or her callous disregard for everyone around her. For a long time, I thought I was the problem— that I made it hard for her to love me because I made a mistake.

That couldn’t be further from the truth. Loving Lexi is the easiest thing I’ve done. It’s instinctual. Not a single part of me wants to punish her for her actions. I only wish I could make it hurt less, whatever the outcome.

Noah comes back carrying a grocery bag. “Emma has Auggie. They’re gonna hang out at my place for a little while, but she can’t stay long.”

I look up at him through eyes that, by some miracle, still haven’t cried. “It’s ok. You can go.”

He lowers himself to the floor and palms my cheek. “No. I’m not leaving. We have an hour before I have to go get him. They’re having Auntie/Auggie bonding time over pizza. They’ll be fine for a little while.” He sets the paper bag on the coffee table. “I wasn’t sure which kind to get, so I got one of each.”

A tear finally escapes, but I swipe it away. “Noah. I⁠—”

“I know, baby. I’m here. Take care of your girl, and when you’re ready, I’ll take care of mine.”

I steal a kiss, lingering for a moment because I need the contact. He has no idea what it means that he’s here. A lesser man would’ve run for the hills by now, but not Noah. Noah bought every pregnancy test in the store because he didn’t know which one to buy.

Even before that, he stocked my freezer with my daughter’s favorite ice cream just in case she wanted it. I know deep down he thinks he’s incapable of love, but it’s seeping out of him without any effort. That kind of care doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s built in.

Lexi grabs the bag of tests off the table, and I follow her to the bathroom.

“I think I can pee by myself.” There’s the slightest hint of my vibrant girl, but it’s gone in a blink

“I’ll be right outside.”

I press my back to the wall and slump to the hardwood with my head in my hands, lingering in a purgatory where time seems to disappear. I’m trapped somewhere between the before and the after, not knowing what comes next.

Minutes pass, and quiet sobs drift through the bathroom door. I stand and press my forehead against it. “Lexi. I’m here, sweetheart.”