Page 72 of The Cost of Love

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jessie tilts my head to the side for a better angle, her fingers working quickly.

“Talk about what?” As hard as I try, I can’t keep my voice even.

“The reason you were crying in the bathroom at work. The reason you dropped an entire tray of food. The reason Elise was fuming.”

If I could see Jessie, I’m sure she would have a smirk on her face. Luckily, I can’t see it.

“I don’t get to talk about it because I have no one to blame but myself.” I feel her complete the first cornrow. Before starting on the next one, she taps my shoulder. I look up at her, and the tears that have been building in my eyes stay in from the action.

“How is whatever happened your fault?” Her hand lands on my shoulder, her eyebrows pulled down. I can’t look at her anymore, so I face forward.

“I asked him for this to just be sexual, and then let everything get complicated. I should’ve been better at keeping myself from falling for him, but he is just—” I pause, unsure of how to describe Alex, not confident what word will sum him up. He is just so supportive, thoughtful, and generous. He is just so perfectly what I need. I don’t know if I want to say that to her, so I switch gears.

“I never wanted him to be there for me, but at some point I started depending on him. I’m daft.”

She sucks her teeth and starts braiding again. “So you caught feelings? Why does that make you stupid?”

Because I let myself be in a place where I can be disappointed by him. Because I left it open for him to find someone else.

“Because even though he feels the same, it could never work.” I want to push my face into my hands, but I can’t move my head, so instead I wipe my eyes with my palms. “At the event, I saw him kissing someone else, and if you saw her, you would understand.” It put everything into perspective, and I have no way to go back to looking at things the way I did before.

“Explain it to me.”

“I barely graduated from secondary. I work the events he attends. And I have three kids. The lady he was with was wearing actual diamonds. She probably has a master’s degree. She fits what is expected of him and where he comes from. How will he look with me on his arm?”

“That’s what you are focused on? Not the fact that he was kissing someone else?” She blows out a breath.

“Of course, I am annoyed that he has been trying to make me fall for him and had the nerve to go on a date with someone else. But I told him he didn’t owe me anything, and I meant it. I just think he is showing me what he may actually want.”

“He asked you on a date. He has been pursuing you. Obviously, none of that stuff you are worried about matters.” She starts on the fourth one, adding in hair as she goes along, so they will fall to the middle of my back. She is halfway through my head.

“We’ve talked about the pressure he is under. This type of stuff does matter to him. At least in the sense that he knows it’s what he is supposed to do.”

“So he told you that he can’t actually be with you? That you’re his closet freak?”

This actually gets a laugh out of me, and I feel a little better. “Well, no.”

“So what is your actual problem?” The soothing feel of her finger on my scalp calms me enough that I can’t let the words run free.

“I’m scared I’m not enough for him. Yes, in the sense that I’m not on his level at all, but also because I don’t know how to meet someone’s expectations. I’ve never belonged to someone. I’ve never had to meet a person’s needs and wants. How would I even give that type of love, and be loved in that way?” Feeling her comb hit my head, I yelp. She does it again, and this time I sit forward to avoid any more swats.

“Are you taking the piss?” she asks, pulling me back against the couch. “You give every single part of yourself, including your flaws, to your family, and are loved in return. It’s not that different to do that with someone else. You can be someone’s everything, and you can be that to a person who is in a better position in life than you. What you need to work on is accepting that back.” She goes back to braiding, but isn’t quite done yet. “I think the real issue is that, for once, these kids aren’t all you have, and for some reason that makes you feel bad. But you deserve to be happy. And rich.” She laughs, and I join her.

Done with her motivational speech, she moves on to talking about her newest man and the fact that he might be the one who can help her quit her job. I listen, my mind only present enough to respond. I’m too busy soaking in her speech. I let her words wash over me, taking away whatever dirt led me to believe I am not good enough. By the time she finishes my hair, I feel like I can finally see the situation without the residue of my insecurities.

He wants me, and finally, I’m ready to say I want him too.

I step out of the elevator right into his apartment. Even though he knows I’m coming, for some reason I didn’t expect him to be sitting there waiting for me. Maybe I was just unprepared for the reaction I’m having upon seeing him. My heart speeds up, and my palms start to feel clammy. I suddenly wish I hadn’t just come straight from work.

I shake my head, not allowing myself to go down that comparison route again. I need to stay in the okay place I got myself to. I need to feel secure in what I offer.

I sit across from him in one of the armchairs. He is seated on the edge of the couch, like he is barely stopping himself from coming over to me. I start to talk, but he beats me to it.

“I’m sorry. I know I have said it through text a bunch of times, but I need to say it in person again. I should have never dated Elizabeth, and I should have never put you in a place where you didn’t know that I, without a doubt, want just you. I can’t express enough how much I regret that night.” The worry is so clear in his eyes that it almost makes the hazel coloring of them reflective.

I look into them, lost in the very first thing that drew me to him. “Alex, you didn’t owe me monogamy. I, in fact, asked you not to. You don’t have to apologize.” This circle of conversation feels reminiscent of that night, except this time I have a clearer head.

“Even if that’s true. After the time you came here upset, things took a more serious turn. You gave me something, and I didn’t want to act in a way that was not deserving of having it.” Unable to keep himself in his seat anymore, he gets up and kneels in front of me.