Page 73 of The Cost of Love

It’s clear that he wants to say so much more, but he is hesitant. For once, I am not.

“I didn’t come here for an apology. I came to say you deserve it. You have earned that part of me. Being honest, you have earned every part of me, and I think I’m ready to give it to you.” I cup his face and feel his cheeks push against my hand with the stretching of his mouth. I can’t help but match his smile. “But I am a package deal.”

“I know.”

“And I don’t fit into the life you’re supposed to live.”

“You fit with me, and that is enough. You make me happy, and that is more important than any obligation I have been given.”

I let out a big breath, not entirely over all my doubts, but relieved enough that I can just be in this moment.

“Do I make you happy?” he asks, his eyes squinting.

The answer is so easy, I wonder how he can’t see it.

“You are everything I have ever needed spoken into existence. Some days you are the only thing that makes me happy.”

“Good, because I want to be the person who helps you carry all your burdens. I want to be the one you tell your truths to. For as long as you allow me, I will do everything I can to make you smile.”

I pull back so that I can look into his eyes. I want him to see everything in mine that I can’t say. There is so much good here. He is so good. But what if?

“I want this, but I’m scared. I’ve been fighting to stay afloat my whole life. I’m always seconds away from drowning, and now you are offering me this boat. This way out. What am I going to do if one day it gets taken away?” How do I go from being loved and supported to being alone again? I can’t miss something I never let myself have.

He finally stands back up, but he doesn’t let go of my hand. Pulling me along, he puts us on the couch, tucking me into his side.

“I can’t say that we will for sure work out. We have a lot to overcome. But being supported even for a short while will give you the break you need to allow you to save yourself. You don’t need me now, and even if you do start to rely on me one day, you won’t need me then either. You always have what it takes to make sure you are okay. All that I am going to do is make it easier for you to do that.”

His words are like a crane lifting a weight off my shoulder. Hearing the way he sees me solidifies that, no matter what, I will be okay in this.

“Thanks, boyfriend.” I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes in relief. So grateful that I have met this man. We fall into an easy silence, and I let my mind wander to the future. There, I see an easier life where it’s not just a struggle. It’s a dream so nice it puts me to sleep.

Chapter 29

Alex

Idon’t know what the thing is she is doing with the knife, but I am impressed all the same. The way she maneuvers through my kitchen like she has cooked in it a million times warms something in my chest. Her skills are way above those of someone who didn’t get the chance to finish culinary school. Convincing me to buy a full fish, I watch as she shows me the reason why.

“You know you don’t have to sit here,” she says without looking at me.

“I like watching you.”

Turning around and rubbing her hands on her new apron, she goes for the bottle of wine I selected. Popping it open, she pours both of us a glass.

“At least talk to me then.” She takes a sip and then scrunches her face before putting the glass down. She smacks her lips like she can dislodge the taste from her mouth, then turns back to filleting the fish.

“Okay, do you like wine?” I take my own cautionary sip, wondering if it’s gone bad. When the deep, sweet flavour hits my tongue, I bite back a laugh.

“Nope, but it’s kind of a requirement for a chef. I took a sommelier class in my first semester to try to learn how to pair wines with food. I realized I have the palate of a five-year-old, but I am trying to get a better one.” Fighting her way through another mouthful, she doesn’t wince this time.

“Do you prefer red or white?” she asks me.

“Doesn’t matter, I am getting to know you tonight.”

She looks over her shoulder at me, her eyebrows lifting.

“You have refused to quench my thirst for knowledge about you. Let me have my fill,” I say.

I put my two hands together in a plea. She sighs and then faces the food again, conceding.