Page 65 of Sex On A Plate

BROCCOLI AND BACON SALAD

DIFFICULTY: Go fuck yourself.

TIME: 15 minutes, tops.

What you’ll need from the cupboard: A stock pot. A large mixing bowl. A small mixing bowl. A large spoon. A small spoon. A sharp knife. A large skillet. A fork. A spatula. A plate. large skillet with lid. A big fucking spoon. A sharp knife. A plate. Kitchen scissors. The rubber spatula.

What you’ll need from the pantry: Salt. A half of a pound of thick cut bacon. A red onion. Pepper. 5 cups broccoli (chopped into bite-sized pieces). Not 4. Not 6. FIVE. Apple cider vinegar. 1 cup of mayonnaise. 1/4 of a cup of granulated sugar. 1/2 a cup of sunflower seeds (out of the shells, of course). 1/2 a cup of raisins.

* * *

Cut the red onion in half. Remove the skin. Chop half of it into pieces you’d like to eat in the salad. The size of your pinkie nail is about right. Measure 1/4 cup of them and set aside in the little measuring cup.

Mix the cup of mayonnaise, 2 tablespoons of vinegar and 1/4 cup of sugar in the small bowl.

Set aside.

Cut the bacon into 1/2” wide strips with the scissors. Cook all at once until cooked through, but not a crunchy mess.

Set bacon on a paper towel lined plate. Make sure the prices are small. This isn’t a bacon dish, it’s a broccoli dish with bacon in it, for Christ’s sake.

Fill the stock pot 1/2 full of water (give or take). Add a little salt.

Bring to a boil.

Add chopped broccoli.

Cook at medium high boil for 90 seconds. DO NOT THINK ABOUT SKIPPING THIS STEP. The difference between meaningless and memorable happens right fucking here.

After 90 seconds, remove the boiling water/broccoli from the heat. Pour off hot water and immediately rinse with cold water.

Drain the cold water.

Transfer the broccoli to a wad of paper towels and roll the little fuckers around carefully, just to remove the water. When dry, add broccoli and onions to the large mixing bowl.

Add the mayo sauce, using the rubber spatula to make sure you’ve got it all. Toss until everything is covered, being sure to use the spatula to clean the sides of the bowl.

Add the raisins.

Toss lightly.

Sprinkle the sunflower seeds about.

Don’t stir or toss, just leave it alone. Yes, you’re going to eat them, but they’re also for decorative purposes.

Serve with anything you want. This shit goes with everything.

Pork sandwiches?

Yep.

Hamburgers?

Hell yeah!

Steak.

Are you fucking kidding? Hell yes, it does.