Page 64 of Sex On A Plate

CABBAGE AND BACON

DIFFICULTY: Hard as fuck, but accept the challenge.

TIME: 14 minutes.

What you’ll need from the cupboard: A large skillet with lid. A big fucking spoon. A sharp knife. A plate. Kitchen scissors. A plate.

What you’ll need from the pantry: A pound of thick cut bacon. A yellow onion (dried onions work fine, too). Salt. Pepper. More pepper. Garlic powder. A head of cabbage. Apple cider vinegar. Olive oil.

* * *

Cut the entire pound of bacon into 2” strips. Cook it all at once in your skillet, just like you did in the Brussel sprout recipe.

Transfer the cooked (but not overcooked) bacon to a paper towel lined plate.

Wash out the skillet (we don’t want that bacon grease this time).

Cut the head of cabbage in the same manner you cut it for the cabbage rolls. If you skipped that section, go back and cook that recipe.

For Christ’s sake, why wouldn’t you at least try it? Isn’t that what this is all about? Making things that you wouldn’t normally make? If this book was filled with recipes for how to pour a bowl of cereal or make a cup of coffee with cream, it’d be a worthless piece of shit.

So, go make the cabbage rolls and then come back.

Okay.

Cut the cabbage into pieces half the size of the palm of your hand or maybe just a little bigger. They’ll shrink when they cook, so don’t get all worried about the bigger pieces.

Add 1/2 a cup of oil to the skillet. Yes, half a cup.

Heat to medium high. Toss in the chopped onion. Toss in the cabbage. Stir. Stir. Stir. Once again, we’re coating this with the oil, so everything’s got a little on it. It helps with the caramelization and frying.

Let it cook at medium high for 5 minutes. Salt and pepper. Pepper again. Add a 1/4 teaspoon of garlic powder to what’s on top. Just a light dusting.

At the 5-minute mark, you’ll notice it will have reduced in size a little. Turn it over with your spoon, putting the top pieces on the bottom. Add a little pepper. Sprinkle with a half a teaspoon garlic powder. Again, just a light dusting.

Now, don’t fucking touch it.

Cook for another 5 minutes without stirring.

Just. Resist. The. Urge.

At the end of the second 5-minute mark, add 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar. Stir well. Add the bacon. Continue to stir in 1-minute intervals until you see the cabbage beginning to caramelize. When everything’s caramelized a little, pull it from the heat. This process (following the 2 5-minute sessions) will only take another 2-3 minutes.

Remove from heat and serve.

I’ll eat this as a meal. I’ll store the leftovers in the fridge and eat it for 2-3 days, reheating it (just until hot) in a saucepan.

In fact, if you’ve ever read a book of mine, you can rest assured I’ve eaten this from a bowl that’s sitting beside my laptop (as I type one-handed) at least once (I did it on this book, too).

It’s good a meal, as a side with the cabbage rolls (cabbage fest), or with grilled sausages or burgers.

I hope you become a fan. I sure did.

Enjoy.