Page 25 of Home Is Where You Are

“A mother can only hope. Y’all were perfect together. Even though your love was young love, y’all were both so happy once upon a time.”

Yeah, we were. That was the keyword. There was no point in hashing out old feelings. Neither of us would benefit from living in the past.

“Don’t, Lillian. Neither of us can go there. Do you even know if she plans on staying?”

According to Lillian, Ainsleigh had been hush, hush about her plans.

“We never discussed it. I just thought she’d come back here and see how much she’d missed home, and plan to stay.”

Her mother looked so hopeful that it pained me to think that Ainsleigh would ever have thoughts of leaving this place. But from the pain she’d been in yesterday and how she couldn’t even sleep in her old room, I’d say she was struggling being back home. From past experiences, when she was hurt, she ran, and when she ran, it wasn’t good for anyone involved. My heart couldn’t handle losing her again. I'd barely recovered from losing her once. I wouldn’t recover a second time. No matter how much I loved her, I had to stay away. For both of our sakes.

I heated my plate of food in the microwave and turned to face Lillian, taking a bite of the mac and cheese that melted in my mouth. My stomach grumbled at how hungry I was.

“I hope for everyone’s sake that she plans to stay, but y’all have to be prepared that she might not.” Sawyer and the Courtright brothers had blinders on when it came to Ainsleigh. They were all happy for her return. Rightfully so. But I had to remain the impartial one and the realist. I didn’t trust her enough to stay.

“We’ll just have to show her how much she’s missin’ by being away. I’ll keep praying for Ainsleigh to find her way,” her mother said with a sneaky look on her face. That look didn’t bode well for me. She was planning something. I could see it in her eyes as she looked over at me before leaving the kitchen. God help me with that woman and whatever she had planned. I knew her well enough to know that whatever it was, I wasn’t going to like it and it would likely put me and Ainsleigh in a position I didn’t want us to be in.

I finished my dinner and washed my dishes, putting them away.

I needed to get away from here. There was still light in the sky. I just needed time to think. Away from all the noise and the meddling of this family.

With my mind made up, I headed to the only place I ever got any solace and clarity.

The confession tree.

Lord knows, I had plenty to confess. Even if there wasn’t anyone around to hear me, I needed to get my thoughts in order before I saw Ainsleigh again. I had to remember all the pain she caused me because if I didn’t I’d likely get my heart broken all over again.

The more I walked the more my mind raced. I tried and failed because every time I tried to steer my thoughts away, they always returned to the person I shouldn’t be thinking about.

Her.

I had so many questions that I needed answers to.

I’d wanted to know how she could just leave me here without a second thought.

That hurt the most.

After everything we’d been through together, I wasn’t enough for her to stay. We should’ve been grieving and healing together. But she left me here to grieve all alone. I had to remember that. The anger I felt at her leaving needed to be on the forefront of my mind. I had to listen to my head and remain indifferent when it came to her.

The walk was quicker than I needed it to be. I looked down at my feet as I walked, making sure not to get surprised by any snakes that could be out here in the field.

Looking up, I saw her sitting with her back against the tree.

She looked so troubled as her gaze focused on the sky above. I couldn’t tell from this far away, but it appeared that she was crying with the way her shoulders shook. I should walk away. No good would come from me walking over to her. The sight of her tears always did me in. I never could handle her being in pain or upset. Clearly, I was a glutton for punishment. Because instead of walking away, I walked toward the woman who’d broken my heart. The woman who would likely break me all over again if I let her. Because knowing she was upset, I couldn’t leave her out here alone regardless of the heartbreak that might follow.

ten

AINSLEIGH

After dinner, I had to leave. I couldn’t remain in that house with Bella so heavy in my mind. I changed into a tank top and shorts. After I put on my tennis shoes and grabbed my phone, I set off to the one place I knew I could go to think.

The tree.

A place we all often came to think. The fields were behind me. The sunset from up here was always amazing.

Leaning against the sturdy bark, I let my head fall on the tree, and my eyes closed just so I could be. No one here to question how I was feeling. No one to pretend in front of. I could kick, scream, cry and no one would ever find out.

Instead of riding Sparkle, I walked the two-mile hike to try to clear my head before I arrived. I failed. My thoughts were more rampant than ever. Seeing her name on his flesh broke more of my heart. That reminder sent my mind racing and the tears falling faster than they ever had before. I thought of her daily. The second I woke, her name was at the forefront of my mind. It wasn’t until I got to moving around and filling my day to keep me busy that my thoughts drifted to what I was doing. That was why I hardly ever sat still at college. If I wasn’t working, I was studying. If I wasn’t studying, Dylan and Aspen were there to occupy me. I hated being alone. That was when every memory came flooding back to me, and I broke down.