Page 19 of The Summer Plans

Bella: If he finds them, he can have one and not feel left out. I planned to throw in some kid friendly shapes, but I ran out of time.

Lucy: And Lucas is a sneaky one, just like my Levi, so there’s nowhere you could hide them well enough.

Me: True, but do we have to keep making them phallic-shaped?

Lucy: Penises are always funny.

Bella: Logan is a year or two away from joining Isaac’s ranks of “master dick hider.”

Raven: I need you to elaborate.

Bella: Teen boys are oddly obsessed with dicks. I’ll spare you the gross puberty stories, but they will draw dicks on everything. Especially when it makes their friends laugh. It’s best to let them get it out of their system or you’ll be driving around town in a wiener wagon.

Lucy: If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

Bella: EXACTLY!

Me: Can we focus here? Not only am I trapped in this house with this man, with a box of broken dicks, but I’m pretty sure said dicks pissed him off more.

Lucy: How?

Me: Once the kids were distracted, Sophie went through the box piecing all the broken ones back together like some perverted jigsaw puzzle. Except they must’ve gotten jostled a lot on the trip so none of them fit exactly and they all looked like Franken-weens! I thought it was funny, but RJ stomped off after angry-washing the dishes. Like, I get that you don’t want to hear your daughter talking about dicks, but we were just having fun.

Raven: He’s an idiot.

Lucy: BWAHAHAHAHA

Bella: THIS IS THE GREATEST STORY I’VE EVER HEARD

Me: It’s not funny! RJ looked pissed. He probably thinks I stole his daughter’s innocence.

Lucy: With broken cock cookies?

Raven: Better a Franken-cock stealing her innocence than an actual cock.

Me: Not you too. Don’t encourage them. You’re supposed to be the voice of reason amongst us.

Raven: Dicks are funny. They look funny. They make men act funny. Even the names for them are funny. Dong. Schlong. Johnson. Boner. Willy. Tally whacker.

Lucy: RAVEN. Stop. I’m gonna pee my pants!

Bella: I’VE BEEN TRAINING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS EXACT MOMENT

Lucy: We’re gonna regret this.

Raven: Fuck. I take it back.

Bella: *Cracks knuckles*

Bella: Pecker. Prick. Knob. Purple-headed yogurt slinger. Custard launcher. One-eyed monster. Trouser snake. Hairy hotdog. Meat stick. Baloney pony. Ham candle. Beaver basher. Disco stick. Lap rocket. Skin flute. Third leg. Taco warmer.

Lucy: Somebody stop her before she starts listing synonyms for balls.

Bella: And Prince Humperdink.

Me: That’s a character in The Princess Bride.

Bella: It’s also slang for dick! And that’s just off the top of my head. I’d have to open the notes app on my phone to keep going.