Page 87 of Shattered Dreams

What will I bring to the team?

What are my strengths?

Tell me about your experience.

Tell me about a time you had to implement teamwork on a coaching level.

And so much more.

They even ask what my plans would be to strengthen the team. I told them I don’t know where the weaknesses are yet, and there’s no way to know until I meet the team and assess their skills, so that felt like a trick question.

By the time we’re done talking, my head is spinning, and I’m not entirely sure I was present for that entire thing.

I shake hands with all the men, thank them for their time, and then they leave. Shelby walks me back to the office.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“Nervous,” I admit with a laugh.

“You did great. Besides, most of us want you here.”

I shake my head. “Not of that. Just… all of this.” I gesture around. “The changes.”

“There are a lot of people who really want you here because they think you can do good things for our program. You will get all kinds of support so we can make that happen.”

We make it to the set of doors I came in from.

“I’ll be in touch with you sometime next week. Have a safe flight home. And if you think of anything, you have my email and my phone number.”

We shake hands, and I head out.

I don’t call for a ride right away because I need to walk. I need to do something to work through all these things in my mind, try to figure out some solution. So, I loosen my tie and move down the steps and turn to the left. I have no idea where I’m going, nor do I have a clue what this campus looks like, but I just go, anyway. My feet carry me of their own accord, my thoughts racing as my heart pounds like a drum, and my chest feels tight. It’s an all-too- familiar feeling. I haven’t had a panic attack since last year, not since the few weeks after Victoria’s death, but I remember it all too well.

They’re terrifying.

I walk faster until I reach an expanse of parking lots, and then a crossroads. I turn down one of them and keep going. I walk through a small area with stores and restaurants, then end up in a neighborhood full of nice houses. When the houses start getting bigger and farther apart, I stop and call for my ride. The last thing I need is for one of these homeowners to call the cops because a strange man is walking around their neighborhood.

I know how that goes.

The ride picks me up about fifteen minutes later‌, and takes me back to my hotel, where I once again jump in the shower. I keep the water cold, because it helps me relax, but find that it doesn’t help as much as it normally does. When I get out, I get dressed, order food and put on a movie so I can distract myself.

I want to call Paul to share all of this with him, but every time I try to bring it up, he gets this tone and look about him.

I know why. I’m not stupid.

If I move here, he can’t come with me. He has a son at home. A stable job. A whole life back in Marietta. But he also has me, and if I leave him, he has nowhere else to go, because he let his lease lapse and moved in with me. Because I told him he could stay as long as he needed, and then… things changed. Not just between us, but for him. Of course, I’d let him stay at the house, if it would come to that. He can have the fucking house.

But that’s not the point. We spent years apart before, and somehow made it work, but things were different then. We spent time together in slivers of moments between games and life, and…

Now, I want him with me, wherever I am. I don’t want to be here while he’s there. I can’t do this a second time, not after everything that’s happened. Because I love him. I love him, and our life we’ve somehow created, but I love coaching, too. I love the field and the rush of climbing the ranks with the men who are just as hungry for victory as I am. The high school team is great, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not… it’s not what I’m looking for. I miss this. The big stuff. A year ago, I couldn’t fathom returning to the life I’d built without my wife, and so I came home. But somewhere in the last year, home changed, too. Home became something I didn’t even think I’d ever want, let alone have, again.

I don’t know what to do or how to navigate this, and I can’t help but think that if my wife hadn’t died, I wouldn’t even be in this position.

Chapter Thirty

Paul

I can’t remember the last time the day dragged like this. I swear even though it’s only Thursday, it feels like this week alone has been a year long.