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“I just told you.”
He turned his head enough to meet my gaze. “Nah. You told me about your relationship with Jeff.”
“Yes, as an analogy of what is going to happen to us.”
“Bullshit.” He lurched to his feet. “You can’t rewrite history. Getting pregnant didn’t ruin your relationship with Jeff.”
“Did you even listen to me?” I tried to box breathe, but my nerves were fraying, and my fears were surging to the surface. “Pregnancy didn’t ruin my relationship. But it’s not a reason to start one, either. You have so much going on with Lili. And you need to keep the peace with Natalie.” Words just tumbled from my mouth. “We’re both under a lot of stress. I know having a baby now isn’t something either of us would want. Emotionally, I’m a mess. Relationships are hard under the best circumstances. We shouldn’t rush more than we’re ready for.”
A vein in his temple pulsed with the clench of his jaw. “It’s a little late, don’t you think?”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered because I knew how this story ended. I wanted so much with him, but I couldn’t do it again.
He rolled his shoulders, and an incredulous laugh spilled from his lips. “You think we’re done?”
I hated this. “I don’t know. What about the baby? Do you want to come to the doctor appointments?”
He walked to the windows and stared into the darkness. “What I want doesn’t seem to matter?”
More silence filled the room as tears burned behind my eyes.
“You lost the plot, Jaymi. You getting pregnant didn’t end us. You did.” He slid his hands into his pockets. “I kept thinking karma was trying to fuck me over. Shit with the Crawlers, shit with Natalie, shit with Kodiak. My life has been fucked a lot over the years. Then I met you.”
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “A baby isn’t going to fix us.”
He turned toward me. “There’s nothing wrong with us. Jesus, Jaymi. We’re so fucking good together it scares me.”
“It scares me, too,” I snapped. “That’s why we need to take a step back. It’s too soon.”
“Nah. Those aren’t mutually exclusive. Yeah, I agree, neither of us was looking to get pregnant. But stepping back isn’t the answer. I told you I’d meet you where you are.”
“This is where I am, Brett. Stuck. For two years, I’ve been waking up every morning because it’s one day closer to the end. That didn’t change because you came into my life. It just made each day more bearable.” And I was petrified it wouldn’t change because I was pregnant, but I was too mortified to say that out loud.
“They died,” I continued. “And I wanted to die, too. The betrayal only exasperated how much I hurt. He nearly destroyed me. I can’t go through that again.”
Brett crossed the room and squatted down in front of me. “Don’t shut me out because some fuck didn’t know how good he had it. Jeff didn’t deserve you. Not if he could betray his family for a lay. I’m not him. Our history isn’t the same.”
No, but a trauma bond didn’t make us stronger, either.
His gaze softened. “I bitch about Natalie. I wish Jeff was still here so you could bitch about your ex. I wish the accident never happened because that would mean you’d still have Matti. You’d be divorced, and I’d be right here, with you. Don’t you get it. I’m all in with you.”
Tears slipped onto my cheeks. “I feel guilty, Brett. I know you don’t understand. It hurts to be happy.”
“I’m not telling you how to grieve, baby. But you gotta be honest with yourself. Matti had a beautiful loving momma, and she’d want her little brother or sister to have the momma she knows you are.” He swiped a tear from my cheek. “You think we’re done. I know we’re not. I can give you time. We can go slow.”
I nodded, knowing that they were just words. He’d stop coming over. I’d stop texting. He’d be busy with Lili, and I’d go back to being alone because being miserable was better than drowning in guilt.
“I don’t want to leave,” he whispered. “I don’t want you to be alone. But I’ll sleep on the couch.” He stood, grabbed the quilt from the rocking chair, and then adjusted the throw pillow. “Just rest while I make you something to eat.”
I tucked the pillow under my head, and he covered me with the blanket. My eyes were raw and puffy from crying, and my heart hurt. But he was still here. He wasn’t walking away, and I didn’t know if I’d have the strength to ask him to leave again.
Chapter Sixteen
Steele
“Do you know what’s going on?” I asked.
Vega and I sat at a table in the corner of the MC. At first glance, it appeared to be a typical Friday night. The board met for church. Club business was brought to the floor, the Altar, the club’s bar was busy. But there weren’t the usual tables laden with food. Torch wasn’t grilling up chicken and burgers on the smokers.
