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When I was a teenager, I was inexperienced and scared. I wanted to keep Ryan in my life, so my parents made a sacrifice right along with me. They gave up their friends and their careers and moved us to a new state so we could have a fresh start. It wasn’t a perfect scenario, and I’ll never truly know my mother’s motivations, but they did what they believed was right. I don’t know that they truly thought through the ramifications, or considered the potential fallout, but we all made it out the other side in one piece. And Ryan was loved and cared for, which was what I’d wanted, most of all.
And I couldn’t fault them for that. I could not like some of their decisions, I could do my best never to repeat it with my own child, but burying my parents in guilt and blame wasn’t going to make any of it better.
“I didn’t realize how angry you were at me about the way Ryan was raised.” She fidgets with her napkin, having trouble focusing on anything else.
“I’m not angry at you, Mom. I know you did what you thought was right. At the time, it seemed right to me, too. And I appreciate everything you and Dad did for Ryan and me.”
“I don’t want you to resent me for it. I wanted what was best for you. For our family. For Ryan’s future,” she tells me, for what has to be the millionth time.
Our relationship will always be complicated. There’s no way around that. “I know that, too.”
“Knowing and believing are two different things.” Her voice is soft and her eyes are too-full glasses, ready to spill over.
“I believe you had all of our best interests in mind. And I also know you had to give up a lot in order to make it work. We all did. Especially me. I don’t think I understood how much that affected me until Ryan got married, and then I got pregnant.” I’m only doing more damage to our relationship if I can’t tell her the truth. “The part that was always the hardest for me was the fact you would never acknowledge that Ryan is truly my son and your grandson. I could pretend to be his sister all I wanted, but in my heart I knew who I really was, and I was never allowed to own that. The lying didn’t just hurt Ryan, it hurt me, too.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” She keeps twisting the napkin in her hands, turning it into confetti. “I made an even bigger mess when I tried to clean up the first one, didn’t I?”
“Your heart was in the right place, but things are so much different now.” It’s hard to see my mom looking so devastated, but we both need this, or things will never change. “He and I need a chance to figure out this new us, without worrying we’re hurting your feelings. Especially now that I have another baby on the way.”
“Is that why you’re moving to Seattle then? For Ryan? I’m worried about this baby and about you being so far from home. And how this is all going to work out. Your life and your family are here. In Tennessee.”
“Part of my life is here. But a very big part of it is in Seattle. And I need to make some compromises, because Jake has to stay in Seattle for his job.”
“But he could manage a different team. He could move to Tennessee instead.”
“We looked into that as an option, and it wasn’t the best choice. General managers don’t usually move around like the players do. And he’s already had to sacrifice one career so he could be a present father to Queenie. I won’t ask him to do that again.”
“What if Ryan gets traded? What will happen then?”
“He still has a few years left on his contract. And he’s one of the top goalies in the league, so if he wants to stay put, I’m sure he’ll be able to. Ryan is definitely one of the reasons I’m moving, but it’s more than that.”
“You need to get away from me?” Her voice is so small. It makes me want to hug her and shake her at the same time.
“No, Mom. It’s not to get away from you. This is about what’s best for the baby, Jake, and me. This situation isn’t ideal, and I realize that. I’m not perfect, and I make mistakes. Maybe it would have been better and easier for everyone if Jake and I hadn’t acted on our attraction for each other, but we did. And there are consequences for that. Ones we didn’t expect. But he is a good man and a great dad, and I can’t rob him of the opportunity to be a father to our child because of an awkward family dynamic or because I’m too scared to try to make it work.”
