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I stood silent for a while, until it was obvious he was done.
“You finished?” I asked and he only glared at me. “Good. Okay. I listened to your self-pitying tirade, time for you to listen to mine. I quite frankly don’t give a shit about how you see yourself, because I know it’s crap. I don’t want you to change, Roman. I always loved you for you and nothing will change that. You might be all the things you say. But that’s not all you are, you idiot. Sweet little Piper Barlow might be stupidly naïve, but not when it comes to you. I asked you to meet me for… God, a multitude of reasons, to be honest. But the crux of it is this, I always told you that I was woman enough to ask you out if I wanted to date you. And, I am. So, I’m just going to tell you something and let you think about it.
“I don’t just love you. I fell in love withyou. The dark bits and the light bits and everything in the middle. You thinking you’re not good enough or you can’t give me what I need isn’t going to change that, because I know you are and I know you can. You already did. I know I can be what you need and I know you can be what I need. But, none of that matters if you don’t believe it. I want you to ask yourself why that is, Roman. What’s holding you back from being with me, really? I don’t want to change you. I never want you to change. I want you exactly as you are – moody, angry, degenerate criminal that you are who I know cares about me. Because you can hide behind a scowl and flippant words, but Iknow!
“You don’t…” My voice conveniently started cracking here. “You don’t share what we did and not care. Not someone like you. You can tell me it was all for show, it was all for fun, you were only in it for the sex. Nothing that comes out of your mouth at this point could be unexpected. But, I want to date you, Roman. It’s as simple as that. I want you to think long and hard why you believe it’s impossible, because I don’t. So…” I cleared my throat awkwardly. “So, I didn’t plan on ranting quite so long. But, that’s it. I want to be with you. You’re that something I need, and you offer me something no one else can. So, you let me know if you change your mind. Otherwise, I guess I’ll see you around, Lombardi.”
I took a step to leave, paused, shook my head, and took another step.
“Piper…”
I stopped again and took a deep breath. “I don’t really need to hear how you can’t give me anything and I should be with someone else or whatever bullshit excuse it was you used the last time, okay? Ball’s in your court now.”
I started walking away and almost missed his next words.
“I thought friends put the other first?” His voice was low, it was angry, and it was accusing.
I turned back to him. “Friends?” I huffed a humourless laugh. “Roman, we’re in love with each other. We may as well both have admitted it. This? Thisisputting our friendship first. We’re broken, Roman. We’ve been broken since you told me what you felt didn’t change anything. We tried just friends and it didn’t work because you were jealous of Mason and I was angry you didn’t ask me to choose you when you had the chance. You want to be friends? Tell me you don’t love me.”
I looked at him, waiting for his answer. He threw his cigarette butt down and I knew he was glaring at me. I knew how angry I’d made him and I knew he was just as angry with me as he was with himself. Both of us were to blame here and there was no going back now. But, enemies felt a hell of a lot better than broken just then. I was being a little selfish again, but I’d come to realise that sometimes you had to put you first.
“I don’t love you, Piper.” His voice was even, but it was thick. Even though my heart hammered on my ribcage – wailing that it was the truth – my head wasn’t falling for it.
I shrugged. “Well, we said no lies. So, I guess that’s the truth, then.”
We stared at each other for a few moments, the air sizzling around us with expectation and unsaid words. But, I wasn’t going to keep fighting him now; I’d done all I could. I’d given it one last shot.
“Can I hug you now?” I asked.
“What?” He was genuinely taken aback.
“Well… Friends hug, right?”
He stared at me in shock, then nodded slowly.
I walked forward and reached up to wrap my arms around his neck like I used to. After a moment, his arms slid slowly around my waist and his nose went to my hair. My heart had a mini tantrum at all the feelings it elicited in me; he smelled so comforting and familiar I wondered how the hell I’d managed to live lately without something that seemed so…right. So much like home.
I pulled back to look at him, our noses bumping. There was pain in his eyes and I knew I’d put it there. I knew it was my fault; that I’d pushed when I probably shouldn’t. But, I had a chance to get him back and I was going to take it – I had to know I’d done everything I could. It was up to him what he did with that.
“Piper…” he whispered, his eyes searching for something.
“Roman?” I replied.
“I can’t…” It sounded like it took him an effort just to say that much…or little.
I nodded, swallowing the urge to tell him again that he was wrong – I couldn’t force him to change his mind and to keep trying wouldn’t be right. “Okay.”
He dropped his forehead to mine, closed his eyes and sighed. I ran my hand down his cheek and he took a deep breath.
“I can’t hurt you more than I already have, Piper…” he breathed.
I bit my tongue against what I wanted to say in response. “I… I understand.”
His eyes opened and he looked into mine. “Do you?”
I sighed, trying not to lose the tenuous hold I had over my emotions. “I don’t know anymore, Roman. Okay? I think I do, then you say things like that and I have no idea.”
He held me closer and I snuggled my face into his jumper. God, he smelled so…him and nice and I missed it. I missed him. I’d take his friendship if that’s all he could give. But, could he?
