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CHAPTER 30
My blood boiled and my skin was on fire. I hadn’t allowed myself to feel this much emotion in years, and I needed it to stop. I needed to turn it off. It was better to just feel nothing at all than to feel so much that I felt like I was drowning.
I kept replaying the conversation I had with Miles over and over in my head. I already felt like what I said was stupid and wished I could go back and change things. Of course, now that the conversation was over, I suddenly thought of the perfect things to say.
The trauma my body had gone through from the attack was starting to hit. Every muscle ached as I walked back into the castle through the kitchens. I grabbed some cheese and bread to help my stomach, considering I hadn’t had solid food to eat in a week. I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I could hardly even think of anything besides getting to my room and immediately going to sleep.
I ate the baguette and gruyere cheese cubes on my way to my room, groaning at the deliciousness of one of my favorite snacks and healing the hunger pains in my stomach. I licked my fingers clean of the crumbs, savoring every last bite.
I found Amica outside my room, now changed out of her scrubs and wearing some gray silk pajamas. I forgot she was waiting for me, and I silently cursed myself for telling her to meet me here. I was too exhausted to be with anyone right now.
“How did it go with Miles?” she asked hopefully.
“Horrible,” I groaned, longing for my bed and some time alone.
“Oh. . .” She meekly avoided my eyes.
I let out the most dramatic sigh of all time. “Basically, Miles hates me, our friendship is ruined, and honestly I don’t even blame him. I hate me, too.”
“Don’t say things like that, Rhia.” Concern filled her eyes.
“Whatever,” I said dismissively. Amica didn’t do anything wrong, and it was rude of me to take my anger out on her, but I didn’t care. I just wanted my bed. I would think about the consequences later.
I heard the bath running and said a quick blessing over Ancilla for knowing exactly what I needed at this moment.
My hand wrapped around the knob of the door—
“Wait,” Amica said.
I sighed, turning to look over my shoulder at her, attempting to calm my nerves. “I’m sorry, Amica, but I need some time to myself right now, if that’s okay? If you stay with me I’ll probably lash out at you even more, and you don’t deserve that.”
I knew my limits and had been working on creating my boundaries. I felt proud of myself for being able to communicate that with her.
Her eyes looked pitiful, and in that moment I wanted nothing more than to rip them out of their sockets for that, even if she was my best friend. I hated that look. It made me feel weak, and I hated that feeling more than anything.
Her voice shook slightly. “There’s something you need to know before you go in there.”
“What?” My patience was running thin.
She cleared her throat. “It’s about Stella. . .”
My interest peaked. Amica wasn’t as involved in Stella’s life as I was, so it was odd for her to bring her up. “What about her?”
She hesitated, making my nervousness heighten. Amica took a deep breath before she continued on, struggling to get each word out, “Stella didn’t make it.”
My body went numb, my mind went numb, everything went numb.
“What do you mean?” I said with complete stillness, already afraid I knew the answer but refusing to believe it until I heard it for myself.
“When we were looking through the casualties of the Red Bones attack, she was one of them. We tried our best to save her, but—she was already gone.” She reached out to rub a hand on my shoulder, but I flinched away. “I’m so sorry, Rhia, I know you two were close. I needed you to know before you went in and saw Ancilla.”
I tuned her out, completely ignoring whatever consoling words that came out of her mouth. My brain couldn’t handle everything it had received, and I unknowingly turned from Amica and to my door, my hand shaking as it wrapped around the handle. I twisted it open, slamming the door closed behind me without a word of acknowledgement to Amica.
She isn’t dead. There’s no way. I’m just tired and am hearing things.
Ancilla sat on the floor of the washroom, filling the tub with soaps and salts. I stared at her, the mother of the sweetest little girl with the brightest future ahead of her.
My legs felt like anchors as I walked towards an inevitable truth I didn’t want to believe to be real.
