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Her head turned to meet my gaze and I saw the truth in her eyes. They were empty with a kind of sadness no parent should ever have to go through.
No, no, no. Stars, please no.
“Ancilla,” I gasped through a sob, “I’m so sorry.”
My feet were moving before I could stop them, and I collapsed on my knees in front of her as an overwhelming sadness fell over me. Ancilla wrapped her arms around me and stroked my hair, as though I wasn’t supposed to be the one coaxing her. “Shhh.” She stroked the back of my head. “There is no need for you to apologize, you had no part in it.”
My chest and stomach burned with fire. and I thought I might throw up. I did have a part in it, though, and I couldn’t even tell her. I couldn’t even admit that this was my fault, and that just made the pain of the loss and guilt worse. The Red Bones were coming after the King’s Favorite, they were coming for me, and they killed Stella in the process. If I wasn’t at the party, if I wasn’t the assassin, if I stayed at the circus, she would be alive.
It was my fault.
My fault.
My fault.
The beautiful young girl whom I often saw myself in would be alive, but she was dead.
I should be dead.
I felt selfish for crying, it was her daughter, not mine, but I couldn’t make it stop. I didn’t know how to make it stop, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t care about having control. I willingly let the tears stream down my cheeks one after another, because I deserved to feel this pain.
Ancilla continued to rock me in her arms on the floor while I cried into her shoulder. “You made the life Stella had special. You gave her something to look forward to—you gave her a dream. I can never repay you for that.”
Oh, stars.
I didn’t even think about that. Her dream. When she was just nine years old, I took her to the astronomy tower so she could wish on the stars to make her dream come true. I sobbed harder at the memory and the fact that her dream would never come to fruition. She wouldn’t be the first woman on the Royal Guard. She wouldn’t be Captain of the Royal Guard. She wouldn’t be anything. All of the work she put into achieving her goal, the hours we spent training together and on her own, led up to nothing. She was so skilled, a way better fighter than I was at her age, and yet no one would know it. We had to keep our training a secret, her abilities a secret, her dream a secret. She never got the recognition she deserved, and now she never would. Anger now piled on top of the grief and guilt until my chest hurt so badly that I couldn’t think, I couldn't breathe, and my it felt like my chest was almost starting to crack—
“Rhia, you need to calm down.” Ancilla’s voice pulled me away from my thoughts as I placed a hand on my chest, trying to ease some of the pain. I was hyperventilating, trying to breathe through the sobs but utterly failing.
Ancilla pulled me in closer to her and whispered in my ear, “Do you think after all of these years as your handmaiden I wouldn’t have figured out who you are? Drawing baths for you in the middle of the night, cleaning blood off of your clothes. I’ve known your true identity for quite some time.” My breath hitched. “Don’t worry, I never told anyone, not even my family. But you must know, Rhia, you are not responsible for this. I will not allow you to carry that burden. My daughter wouldn’t have wanted her role model to fall down a hole she would choose to never crawl out of.”
How could I be Stella’s role model? I’m a selfish liar and a dirty cheat. A fraud. I push people away that get too close and push down any emotion my mind wants to feel. She shouldn’t have looked up to me; she should have been scared of me. Hell, I’m a damn assassin, utterly unworthy to be who a little girl looks up to.
I’m unlovable, and she was everything I loved. She was kind, motivated, and strong. The most beautiful girl with the bravest heart. Her dream was to help others like her. Girls who wished to fight and protect the ones they loved. She was never late to training and always practiced harder than both Miles and I. A young girl had the courage to learn how to fight, even against the king’s rule, because she knew it was right in her heart. Each training lesson we had was a reminder for her to work harder to create the change that was needed in this kingdom. She was determined and fierce, truly a force to be reckoned with. She was my role model, and I never got to tell her.
“Please, forgive me,” I whispered, my throat sore from the endless crying. If she forgave me, I might be able to live with myself.
I did this. I took her daughter away from her. I killed her. Me.
“I forgive you for selfishly taking the blame for something you don’t need to.” Ancilla tilted my chin up so I could look her in the eyes, her own puffy and raw. “I hope that forgiveness is good enough, because there is nothing else that needs to be forgiven. However, I do have a request.”
“Anything,” I pleaded. I would do whatever she asked to make up for this. To help her in any way. I would burn the world down to avenge Stella, if that’s what it took.
Her eyes softened and became glossy. “All I ask is that you live out that dream for her. Be a part of the revolution of female warriors. Live to see the day that a woman joins the guard, and fight with everything you have to make it happen. Please, for her. Let that dream become a reality.”
For her, I will fight. For her, I will live. For her, I will face the demons, the nightmares, the emotions. For her, I will stop at nothing to see it done.
“For her, I will.”
???
I lay in bed for days and didn’t get up. The food the servants brought would sit outside my room and rot.
It was a rainy few days, as if the sky also wept for the loss of my friend. As I lay in bed, I counted the droplets that fell down my window while I refused to move. Ancilla, Amica, and Mendex came to my door a few times, asking to come in, but I turned them all away. I secretly hoped it was Miles every time I heard a knock.
I felt guilty for making that promise to Ancilla, just to turn around and sit here and do nothing all day, but that was all I had the strength to do. Even waking up took energy.
On the first night back in my own bed, I didn’t even sleep. I cried and screamed so much that my throat was raw and burned every time I swallowed. I would toss and turn, overthinking the guilt and the what-ifs. Hating myself and how my actions had caused so much pain to the people that I loved.
