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I thought that he may have changed you into a different girl than who you used to be. I tried to pin you as the villain to suppress my feelings for you, but that all changed when we left for Vicinus.
You were just as I remembered, yet so different. You have grown into this incredibly brave young woman. I can’t help but admire you. When we raced out of the kingdom together, I laughed for the first time in weeks. I always feel so much pressure and pain surrounding my position on the court here in Veladis, while always trying to figure out a way to lift the curse for the people in Vesper. But whenever I’m with you, all of that suddenly goes away. With you, I’m happy. I can easily bear the weight of the world on my shoulders when I’m with you.
I knew there was something between us from the night that I first showed you how the Vespen soldiers trained. When we practiced throwing knives to connect our minds by aiming at the same targets. What typically takes years to accomplish for our soldiers in Vesper took us an hour. An hour, Rhia. I should’ve known what we were in that very moment, but I ignored the signs.
I took a risk, introducing you to Vesper. If you had really been one of my father’s spies, you would have told him of my devotion to Vesper immediately, outed my loyalty to the kingdom, and possibly had me thrown in that dungeon like many of my people, but you weren’t and you didn’t. Something pulled on my soul to show you Vesper; I was never planning to stop by originally, but when fate tells you to move, you listen.
He smiled softly and his eyes were shiny. Seeing your eyes light up looking at my home was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I thought you would’ve hated me or been angrier for keeping it from you, but you were so understanding. I wanted to show you every aspect of Vesper, fill you in on everything you have missed, and keep you there from my father so you could stay with me forever. However, we both have duties, and I still need to save the Vespens captured here. I would’ve stayed there with you longer, but even stopping by was a risk we almost got caught in.
The days following, I wanted nothing more than to be with you. I thought about you every second of every minute of every hour of every day. However, I didn’t indulge in it because I couldn’t let my father see that I’ve grown close to you. He could’ve thought we bonded over something. He could have thought we bonded over Vesper, and he could use you against me.
I wanted to, though. Stars, I wanted you.
Then the night of the masquerade—
He stopped and took another deep breath, and I wondered if he was going to continue as I sat on the edge of my seat, soaking in every word he was saying.
He continued, In a ball filled with thousands of people, I spotted you instantly. I could go blind and I’ll still always know when you walk into a room. You are a creature so exquisitely crafted by the stars; a stunning masterpiece. I felt like the luckiest guy in the world to be the one to dance with you. I wanted everyone to watch, to see that you were mine and know that I was utterly yours. At that moment I was fully complete, and I wanted nothing more than to just stay there forever. Please, believe me.
His hands started to shake around the paper and his voice became weak. Rhia, when I gave you that drink—Stars, I swear, Rhia, I had no idea it was poisoned. One of the servants suggested it for you, and being the idiot I am. I didn’t even question it. I assumed it was safe, which was the worst mistake someone in my position can make. Hear me now, I swear in front of the stars that I did not wish any harm on you, and I truly hope you believe that, but I would understand if you don’t ever forgive me, because it was still my fault. I was the one who gave you that poison.
When we made it to the astronomy tower, I assumed you had some more drinks with your friends, since you were acting a little off. He shook his head. I should’ve known something was wrong. I could feel it but ignored it, because I was so enthralled to be there with you, indulging in our time together without my father seeing. When you asked me what it meant, what we were, I wanted to say the truth—that I was yours from the very first moment I saw you all those years ago. That night at the circus I couldn’t stop myself from running to you, it was like I was acting on instinct. Even now, I will chase you until the end of the world and beyond. That you are my Eadem Anima. I couldn’t say that though, because—
The last person I opened up to died.
My heart squeezed at the memory of the queen.
She was taken from me. The person I loved the most in this world, ripped from my arms, and I could do nothing to stop it. I didn’t want the stars to take you from me. This sounds twisted, and it is, but I thought if I didn’t let myself love you the way that I do, then I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of losing you, too.
I saw the way you were looking at me that night. As if I was worthy of your love, when I’ll never be worthy of even a fraction of your time. I don’t deserve you, and I never will. I couldn’t help but think of the time I tried to hurt you with my shadows all those years ago. I was afraid that I would hurt you again, so I lied. I said it didn’t matter, and I immediately regretted it. You matter more to me than the air I breathe, Rhia. And now I’ve gone and hurt you even more.
Tears fell down my cheeks as I listened to his confession.
As soon as you left, I knew I messed up. I know this sounds crazy, but I swear the stars were whispering to me, telling me to chase after you and to hurry, too. I knew something was wrong then. I ran out of the tower, looking for you. I spent way too long running all over the castle for you. I felt like it was the stars mocking me for lying to you. That you were the cost, the consequence of my dismissal. I promise I looked for you with every ounce of my being; the castle is so damn big and with the chaos from the raid, it really felt like the stars didn’t want me to find you, so I could never get a second chance to tell you all of this.
Then I heard your screams. I ran to you as fast as I possibly could, and when I finally found you, I feared it was too late. I saw him whipping you—
I closed my eyes at the horrific memory.
I saw the blood on the floor and your lifeless body—
I killed him, Rhia.
I gasped, my eyes widening. I always assumed he got away.
Bennett shook his head. And I’m sorry for that, too. He was yours to kill, but I panicked in the moment. All I wanted to do was rip his insides out for laying a single finger on you, but I had to kill him quickly, because you were dying, and I didn’t know if I even had time to say goodbye.
I don’t know if you remember any of this, but you really did almost die. You told me where you wanted to be buried and forced me to swear on it like the stubborn girl you are. When we finally made it to the infirmary, you weren’t breathing. They pronounced you dead. I had to pull the damn Prince card to force the healers to work on you. Which I’m still furious about, that they even thought about giving up on you. It took three healers—including Sana—to heal your body from the poison. When they finally extracted it, you started breathing again. I was so hopeful, but Sana said it was unlikely for you to wake up. That you would have to wake up on your own, but I knew you would. You’re the strongest person I know. So I waited for you, bargained everything I had to the stars for you to wake up.
Tears slid down his cheeks as he reached out his hand to brush away my own.
Thank you, Rhia, for waking up.
I lifted my hand to rest on top of his, closing my eyes as I listened to Bennett put his heart on display.
I will never forgive myself for the pain that I’ve caused you. It kills me to see how broken you are, yet I can’t help falling in love with you, even when I’m watching you fall apart.
Let me help you heal and make up for the pain that I’ve caused you. If you hate me and want me to go, I understand. I hate me, too. I will leave here and never return. You deserve to be happy and I want that for you. I will let you go, but I’ll never not be yours. You will always hold my heart, Rhia; you’ve always held it. It was always yours to break and only yours to take. My heart only wants what you want, so do what you please with it.
