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‘It’s not like I ever consciously decided I wanted to be a CEO. I just knew I wanted to be like him. I knew what university I’d apply to, what I’d study, everything.’
‘Which was?’
‘Economics and Law at Harvard. Just as he did.’ She rolls her eyes as she says it, her voice a little saccharine.
‘We spent a lot of time together. The older I got, the more he involved me, letting me shadow him during school holidays. I learned heaps.’ She appears to lose her train of thought for a second, taking a sip of her drink before continuing.
‘And then I found out he was cheating on Mum. That he had been for a long time. I found out that the man I had idolised basically since birth had been treating my mum like dirt for most of their marriage. And I couldn’t reconcile the two versions of him I had. There was nothing about his incredible business instincts that made me okay with his personal behaviour. I wish my mum had left him, I wish she’d stood up to him more, but none of this is her fault. She gave up everything for their marriage, she had children with him, she wanted, more than anything, to keep our family intact. He’s my father, and I love him, but there are parts of him I hate too, parts of him I’ll always hate.’
I feel the ice in her voice, the determination, and I want to move to her, to draw her into my arms and comfort her.
You think I need your help. I’ve already made the mistake of underestimating her once tonight. I won’t do it again. I sit where I am, listening.
‘I got offered a place at Harvard on a scholarship and my dad was so proud of me. You should have seen the fuss he made.’ Anger tinges her words. I bite back on the observation that that’s only natural—I can sense how unwelcome her dad’s actions were.
‘This guy was screwing around behind my mum’s back, cheating on her and all of us, and then he was proud of me? I felt dirty. I didn’t want his approval, his pride. Suddenly I wanted to do everything I could to piss him off, so I turned down the offer.’
‘And was he pissed off?’
‘He was disappointed,’ she says with a tilt of her chin, showing that’s exactly what she wanted. ‘He kept trying to push me on what I was going to do, how I couldn’t waste my intelligence, and that made it even worse.’
‘Why?’ I push, leaning forward.
‘Because mum is incredibly smart. Before they got married she was studying law—that’s how they met—and she dropped out to become his perfect wife.’ She shakes her head scathingly. ‘And he never encouraged her to finish, never encouraged her to continue with her studies, never encouraged her in any damned thing.’
I nod, understanding the source of Jessica’s anger. And yet... ‘Is it possible your mum’s ambitions changed? That what she wanted most in the world was to be married, and to live a happy domestic life?’
Her eyes widen, something shifting from her to me that I don’t comprehend. ‘Yes. I’m sure that’s true. It’s the same with my sister—she followed in Mum’s footsteps precisely, getting married young to some guy who—’ She shakes her head and I remember something else about Jessica, the way she shied away from talking about her sister and brother-in-law. ‘Some guy who doesn’t respect her,’ she finishes awkwardly.
I shelve my questions on that score for later.
‘But that’s what they wanted,’ she says with a nod. ‘And if I’ve learned anything in running She-Shakes it’s that there’s no one blueprint for happiness. What is someone else’s idea of “life goals” isn’t necessarily mine, or anyone else’s. I understand what Mum wanted—but it wasn’t to watch my dad have affairs. It wasn’t to know that when he said he was working late he was actually banging his secretary or the wife of one of his colleagues or whatever.’ She shakes her head scathingly.
‘So you wanted to piss him off and you wanted to hurt him for hurting your mum.’
She nods.
‘And let me guess.’ My voice is low, like a growl. ‘He’s proud of you anyway.’
‘What do you think?’ Anger fills her words. ‘The app took off into the stratosphere fourteen months after I launched it. I was being written about in all the finance papers. Dad’s friends were calling him up to congratulate him, so even She-Shakes was tainted.’
I run a hand through my hair, feeling her frustration.
‘But the thing is, it’s also its own beast, and it’s too important to sacrifice at the altar of childish revenge. Mum made her bed and she’s lying in it. I’ll never respect my dad with the same wholehearted devotion I did as a kid, but also, I’ve learned that nothing is simple. I can respect his business acumen and admire him for the judgement there without condoning his private actions. I’m trying to make my peace with it, Zach.’
I nod, reaching across the table and weaving our fingers together. I feel as though I’m standing over a bottomless pit. She squeezes my hand back and relief surges through me, because our argument is a part of this fortnight now, but it’s just one thread in a fabric of many—something that neither of us wishes to let derail what we’ve got, this perfect, temporary fling.
‘Not everyone has the courage of your convictions,’ I say quietly, stroking the base of her thumb.
‘No.’ Her smile is wry. ‘The thing is, I’m the epitome of someone who cuts off their nose to spite their face.’
‘In what way?’
‘I would have loved studying at Harvard.’ She rolls her eyes again. ‘I wanted that. Maybe because of Dad, or maybe because that’s just who I am. But I shut the door on it because I wanted to hurt him. What if She-Shakes hadn’t worked out? There was no guarantee I’d ever find something else about which I was passionate.’
‘I disagree,’ I say, squeezing her hand for emphasis. ‘You are someone who was always destined to set the world on fire. Whether with your online community or something else, you would always have made magic.’
She drops her head forward, her sleek dark hair with its little highlights of pink covering her eyes.
