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“Zayan said you guys were going on a trip for a while and that we needed to take care of Star of India while you were gone.” My mother cuts in. Both of them still look at me with a swirl of confusion and concern, especially when a loud, manic laugh escapes me.
I laugh like a madwoman who has finally lost her shit. I let everything build up inside, and now I’m exploding. Lya stands next to me, grabbing my hand again, but she allows me to lose my shit on the front porch.
“Tara, what’s going on? Why are you laughing?” my mother asks, but I continue to laugh until my stomach hurts. He fucking told them we were going on a vacation.
A vacation where they wouldn’t think to reach out or bother us.
Off the grid, and it wouldn’t be weird to not hear or see me for weeks.
That motherfucking jackass.
He’s so fucking calculating it’s disgusting.
My parents easily believed him because they wanted us to be together so badly that they’d really think I’d take an extended vacation without worrying about Star of India and making sure it’s taken care of while I’m gone. They know I live and breathe for that place, and there’s no way I’d willingly leave it in the hands of someone else, even my parents, without setting up a plan. They might have opened the place, but it’smybaby. It’s my life.
Once I finally stop laughing and get myself back under control, I look at them, trying to make sure I choose my words wisely, except Lya beats me to the punch. “Maybe we should all go inside?”
They both nod in agreement, moving aside so we can come in. It’s silent, awkward, and tension-filled. Words have seemed to escape me as we move into the dining room, the exact place I saw Zayan when I was here last, and sit at the table. My parents are staring at me, expecting me to say something. We all sit in silence. Lya places her hand on the top of mine that’s resting on my lap.
I suck in air and say the first thing that comes to my mind. “I didn’t make myself overdose.”
“What?” Papa asks, confused.
“I didn’t make myself overdose.” I shake my head back and forth, and tears sting behind my eyes. “Seven years ago, when I was in the hospital, I…I didn’t make myself overdose.” Lya squeezes my hand tighter.
“Honey, it’s okay. We never judged you for that. You can be honest with us.” My father reaches across the table, but I don’t reach out for him. He doesn’t believe me. I haven’t even gotten to the worst part, and he already doesn’t believe me.
When I was in that hospital, they thought I couldn’t handle things. They thought I was falling into drugs and getting on the wrong path because the pressure of marriage and life was too much for me. They thought that’s why Zayan left me, because I was an addict and he wouldn’t stand for that. They never assumed he did this to me or that he ran because he’s the one who almost killed me.
“No. Listen to what I’m saying. For once, just listen to me and believe me, your own daughter. Take my word for it and hear me, see me, trust me.” A single tear falls down my face and I do nothing to wipe it away. “Seven years ago, I did overdose, but it wasn’t my fault. It was because of Zayan.”
“What are you talking about?” My mom cuts in.
“Zayan used to…he used to drug me. He wanted me to be compliant, and he wanted to take advantage of me.” I try to sound strong, but I’m not sure I’m managing. “He did a lot of bad things to me, things you could never imagine.”
“Zayan? Honey, are you sure?” Papa asks.What the actual fuck? Why would he say something like that?
I scoff. “Am I sure? Are you kidding me? What kind of question is that?” My dad is one of my best friends, but that question was ridiculous. It’s insulting, demoralizing, and so fucking wrong. “Am I sure that Zayan is the one who drugged me? Am I sure he’s the one who beat me? Raped me? Hmm, let me think about that.”
“Tara…” My dad looks somber, while my mother looks in shock.
“Of course, I’m fucking sure. I was there, I think I’d know the torture he put me through.” The anger in my voice makes my father wince.
“I…Why didn’t you say anything?”
“He held me captive under his thumb when we were younger, and I was too scared to ask for help. You guys wanted us to be together so bad. He was going to help us save the restaurant, and how could I take that dream away from you? I never wanted to disappoint you. Even if I did say anything, I was too afraid of what he would do to me. Even after he left, I was terrified he’d come back at any moment to hurt me again if I said anything.” Tears stream down my face, but I let them freefall. I’m tired of holding back my emotions and hiding the pain I’ve been through. I need to live my truth, and there’s no better time than now.
Mama finally says something after processing everything. “He…he did that to you?” she asks, referring to my face as realization sparks in her dark eyes. Tears stream down her face as she listens to my horrible truth.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Oh, Tara…” Mama wails. Papa looks like he’s going to throw up, but I continue.
“He would degrade me; punch me, kick me, and throw me around. He would pump me full of drugs until I’d forget where I was. I’ll never forget the way his hands felt on me. The way I wanted to die every time we were alone in a room. The way I thought about killing myself, so it would be over, but then I found out I was pregnant and that changed everything. Until he took that away from me too. He took the life growing inside me by drugging me so badly I almost died. My son died.” My heart is shattering inside my chest, falling apart with each word I utter.
“Pregnant?” Mama mutters, shocked. “We were going to be grandparents…you…he…the baby…” I nod, clenching my eyes shut so I don’t completely break down.
“I…We had no idea. He seemed so…he acted so in love with you, and we didn’t know otherwise…” This from Papa.
