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“Tara girl! Haven’t seen you around in a while.” Chet, one of the regulars for years, says as he pulls back from the hug. He keeps his hands on my upper arms while he looks me up and down like he forgot what I looked like. Chet has asked me out a few times before, but I always shot him down. He’s an attractive guy and very kind, but something about him always felt a little off for me.
“I’ve just been—” My words are instantly cut off by a large presence looming behind me.
“Get your fucking hands off her.” A deep growl comes from beside me. Marnix presses his chest into my back, causing Chet to take a step back from me. Fuck. This is going to get out of hand real fucking fast.
“Who the hell are you?” Chet asks defensively.
“Who the hell are you?” Marnix asks back.
“I was just coming to say hello to Tara, who I’ve known for years,” Chet retorts, puffing out his chest like a peacock. We all know this is an act. He backed away at the first sign of trouble when Marnix walked up.
“Well, now that you’ve said hello, you can step back, keep your hands to yourself, and leave.” The way Marnix is acting is pissing me off. He needs to stop acting like I’m a piece of meat.
“Okay, enough of that,” I say, trying to push Marnix further away from Chet with my back. “It was good to see you, Chet. We’ll have to catch up soon,” I say quickly, hoping that will be the end of this pissing match. Before Chet can say anything, I spin toward Marnix and grab his hand, pulling him behind me.
“What the fuck was that?” I hiss, dragging him back to the office by his arm at rapid speed before slamming the door behind us.
“I saw your body go stiff. What was I supposed to do? You were uncomfortable and I didn’t like seeing it.” He looks at me incredulously. His chest heaves up and down as the adrenaline wears off.
“You are supposed to let me handle it like I know I can! I’m not a possession you can fight over! You treated me like a piece of meat. I’m not an item you can piss on to claim.” I push at his chest, letting the anger course through me. He had no right to act like a caveman with no sense of decency. Chet may not know boundaries, but he’s not a threat.
“You were uncomfortable,” he argues with me like that’s a valid excuse.
“You can’t be acting like a caveman around any man who looks at me or gives me a hug.” I think I’m finally starting to break. I usually wouldn’t get this pissed or defensive, but I can’t control the rage I feel. I don’t want to be treated like an object. That’s all I was to Zayan. I was an object he could control and play puppet master with. I won’t let anyone else treat me that way.
Marnix runs his fingers angrily through his hair. “I don’t like you being uncomfortable. You didn’t want him touching you and he was too much of a dumbass to figure that out. I had to do something. I want you to be safe, Tara. I don’t think you’re a piece of meat or an object, I just want to protect you.” I can feel the anger bubbling inside me.
“You want me to be safe? I needed you to want me to be safe when Zayan was fucking lying to your face about me! Where was your need for my safety then?” I yell, not caring if anyone in this building can hear me. He said he wanted me to yell at him; I guess that time is now. I’ve been holding back, not wanting to gut him even more, but he needs to hear it.
“Tara…” he croaks, not expecting me to go there.
I shake my head. “Don’t. Don’t do that. I needed you to protect me like that when you had the chance, and you blew it. You blew it, and that's what it is now. I needed you then. I begged you. You should have known I’m not the type of woman to beg a man for anything. I needed you, Marnix. I needed you and you weren’t there for me.”
Marnix’s blue eyes are glassy and he cups my cheek. Surprisingly, I let him. “And that’s the biggest mistake I will live with for the rest of my life. I can’t tell you enough how much I regret what I did. I beat myself up every day. You were hurt because of me. I’m trying to show you that I can be better, but I keep fucking it up. I keep pushing you away every time we talk, and I don’t know how to fix it. All I can do is protect you from this day forward as I promised, and I’m not going to compromise on your safety.” His voice is tender, full of remorse for what we’ve been through.
“We can’t take it back now. It’s too late for that,” I huff.
“Is it too late?” The desperation in his voice has my heart beating even faster than I thought humanly possible.
The million-dollar question.
“I needed you then. Even after he had me, I needed you. Every single day I wished we could’ve gone back. I wished we could’ve had the happiness we were moving toward. But we didn’t get that. I started to lose hope and I was so damn pissed at you. Even though I wanted to hate you, I couldn’t fully do it. Because you fucking frustrate me. You make me angry. You are an asshole who gave me away, and my dumb ass still wanted you. You hurt me more than I thought ever possible and that’s what continues to break me. I can get over the fact that you didn’t know what Zayan would do, but I’m struggling to get over you not believing me in the first place.” The words continue to pour out of me at rapid speed, barely knowing what I’m saying at this point.
I didn’t realize I stepped closer to him, as my fists weakly pound against his chest with tears streaming down my face. His large arms wrap around my body as he holds me while I take my anger out on him. He doesn’t say anything, just gives me room to let it all out until I have no more energy.
Looking up at him, I see worry and anger in his eyes. He’s been beating himself up every day but hearing him say it makes it all too real. Self-hatred is the worst feeling in the world. You’re never happy, no matter how much you try to fake it.
The air crackles around us and every part of me wants to slam my mouth to his. It’s always like this after we fight. The air electrifies around us. My eyes fall to his full lips. They’re perfect. Why are men blessed with the eyelashes and lips that women envy? Not fair.
My entire body is molded against his, and I can feel the hard-on in his pants pushing against me. I want him so badly, but we have so many issues that any more of this back and forth will only lead us to the same place we’re already in. We can’t cover our problems up with sex and sweet kisses. That’s my MO for everything, except our relationship is too important to mess up for a quick fuck.
“We should go.” I breathe hard, trying to suck in as much air as possible. His brows arch with confusion as he steps back to scratch the back of his neck. I’m the one who lunged at him, needing to feel him against me, and yet again, I’m the one who’s breaking it apart.
I feel guilty giving him all these mixed signals because even though I’m not sure what I want, what we are doing is toxic. It’s not good for either of us, and I need to figure out what I truly want from him and tell him before it goes any further. Right now, my head is all over the place and I know any decision I make will be the wrong one.
“Let’s go.” I avoid discussing it because we’ll get nowhere fast at this point. I open the door so we can leave.
“Tara…” Marnix pleads from behind me.
