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“I’m scared,” I say, forcing the words out of my mouth. “I’m scared of what I saw, what I feel. I’m scared that I’m going to lose you. I’m scared that we may never recover from everything that’s happened even if we do all make it out of this nightmare alive…”
“Don’t do that, Titch,” York exclaims, dragging his gaze over me.
“Do what?”
“Pull away.” He grits his jaw, and I can see how he battles with his emotions.
“Is this because I killed Jeb?” Zayn asks. “I did that to protect you, Pen.”
“I know that…”But.Yet again, that silent word sits heavy between us.
“Titch, Frederico and Jeb threatened your life. That piece of shit had a knife pressed against your throat. Do you have any idea how fucking torturous that was?” York asks. I try not to flinch at the bitterness crawling into his voice. I get where they’re coming from, I do, but it doesn’t make this any easier to digest. When I don’t answer York, when I look away and bite down on all the acidic words burning my throat, Zayn lifts my chin and forces me to look at him instead. His eyes are pitch black, not even the light reflected from the table lamp brightens them.
“I’ll tell you what it felt like, Pen. It was as though our fucking guts had been sliced open and our insides ripped out. I don’t regret cutting Frederico’s throat and I sure as fuck don’t regret killing Jeb. He’s had it coming for a long time now.”
“He’s your uncle,” I whisper, as if that should make a difference. It doesn’t. Blood doesn’t make family bonds, not in the way that counts. I know that better than anyone. Jeb was a cruel bastard.
“And David’syourbrother. Don’t tell me that if you were faced with killing David to save Lena’s life, that you wouldn’t do it?”
“I would doanythingto keep her safe…”
“Then why the fuck is this so hard to swallow? They’redead. Good fucking riddance!” he shouts, balling his fists and glaring at me angrily. “Don’t make those bastards human when we both know they were fucking monsters. Have you forgotten how they both treated you before tonight?”
“No, I haven’t. It’s just…”
“It’s justwhat?”
“You’re…”
“Monsters too. Am I right?” York interjects, his eyes flaring with hurt.
My eyes fill with tears and my voice breaks. “No… No… that’snotwhat I mean.” What Isawwas monstrous. It haunts me, but I know they’re not monsters like Jeb or even Frederico. Iknowthat. I do.
Zayn clutches his hair in frustration. “Then what the fuck do you mean? Why are you looking at us like that, Pen.Why?”
“What the fuck’s going on?” Dax exclaims, striding into the room and coming to an abrupt standstill. He looks at me, his features softening. “Kid…”
“I didn’t mean… I’m just… Shit!” I exclaim, the trauma of the past few days worming its way back into my psyche. Dax strides towards me as an ice-cold sweat breaks out over my skin and tremors begin to take over my body. I can’t seem to get a grip on myself as I wrap my arms around my chest in self-comfort.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Dax says, sliding his arm around my shoulder. I flinch, hating myself in that moment for doing so because when I look up at his face, it’s as though I’ve slapped him. Dropping his arm, he gives me space. Over the past few days, Dax has begun to understand that I’ve needed him close but not too close whilst I try to get my head straight. I’m so grateful he hasn’t tried to push me.
“Titch…?” York frowns, his anger disappearing as he places his hand on my arm and searches my face. Right now, there’s nothing I can do but let him read me. I don’t have the energy to slip on a mask. “Tell me I haven’t lost you,” he eventually whispers.
“What you need to do, York, is back the fuck off. Kid’s in shock and you arseholes haven’t fucking helped the situation! Now get out of my sight before I break your faces!”
“No. Don’t fight. This isn’t what I want,” I say, scared, frustrated with myself. “I just have to get my head around everything. I just need time.”
York recovers first, his expression one of apology and regret. He looks at me like I’m a wounded animal who’ll either die from fright or lash out to protect itself. Right now, both reactions are possible. “This is so fucked up. I’m sorry, Titch. I’m sorry you had to witness what happened. I’m not that man. Not really. Not deep down. You know that, right? I fucking swear it. Iloveyou.”
My eyes fill with tears, but I blink them back, forcing myself to be strong, and willing myself to stop shaking. To see York, my funny, lighthearted, Fred Astaire loving, best friend. “I know you do. I love you too.I do.”
York swallows hard and dips his head, but I see the apprehension in his gaze regardless. He sees the fear I hold inside despite my efforts to cover it up. “I’m going to go shower and sleep. We’ll talk more in a few hours, okay?”
“Okay,” I agree, biting the inside of my cheek until it bleeds.
“Zayn, are we good?” Dax questions, daring him to object.
“Fuck, yes, of course we are. It’s been a fucked up few days. I’m not… myself.”
“I know that. I’m not either.”
“We’ll be okay,” he replies heavily, and for the first time since we’ve found each other again, I seriously begin to doubt the truth in that statement.
