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The idea is risky, but the truth of the matter is I feel like my life hasn’t even begun yet. How sad is that?! I’m directed to attend gala charity events, which are usually just a poor excuse for the mega wealthy to dress in couture, quaff expensive champagne and gossip about each other under the guise of “giving back”. I speak at all Astor events. From movie premieres, art gallery exhibits, book launches, TV ads, to bookshop openings.
But the only place I’ve ever felt like me is when I’m reading, like those free solo climbers who only felt alive when they were clinging to the face of a mountain. When I’m lost in a good book, I escape reality for hours on end and things don’t seem as hopeless. I can relate to a heroine in a bind, a woman whose life isn’t what she thought it would be. It makes me feel less alone, and how funny is it that my best friends are all fictional?
But it’s more than that – it’s the power of words and how they can save you when you most need it.
However, leaving my parents would be hard. They do rely on me for all the promotion. And if I were to get exposed as Ellie Astor who ran away, my mother would never forgive me for besmirching the Astor name. But I can’t do it without hiding who I am or I wouldn’t be doing it under my own steam and I’m eager to try that. How will the world treat me, if I’m just me and not my mother’s daughter?
Willow Grove library, lights off, blinds shuttered, dust motes dancing for the last time as the pages of the books slowly…yellow with age.
I can’t let that happen.
‘I might not evengetthe job,’ I muse as the idea takes shape.
Teddy scoffs. ‘Yeah, I’m sure librarians around the country are lining up to move to nowheresville to take a job at a library that’s months from closing.’
I lob a cushion at him and nearly hit a Ming vase. The ostentatious display of wealth I’m surrounded by makes me feel sick, like I’m stuck in the wrong life. Teddy and I live in neighbouring townhouses whose interiors were designed by a famous decorator, hired by Mum. It bothers me that we have so much, while others have so little and still our parents yearn for more. Why? To be on the cover ofForbesagain? To beat their competitors? It’s this relentless drive to be the best I just don’t gel with.
At the risk of sounding like a poor little rich girl, I’m desperate to see how the other half live. I dream of a rustic little cottage that I can make my own, no fancy interior designer telling me this goes with that and screw the expense. I could learn to drive or catch the train. Discover the joy of cooking for myself. Run a hoover over some second-hand rug I picked up at a flea market. Double-stack rickety shelves with second-hand books that are all mine. Make friends with real people who don’t know my famous name and won’t treat me differently.And I’d be free…
‘I’m going to apply,’ I say before I can change my mind, when common sense invariably kicks in. ‘What’s the worst that can happen? If by some miracle I get the job, I can save the library and my own life at the same time.’
‘Yes!’ Teddy grins, slow and wide like a Cheshire cat. ‘As long as you know you’ll have to tell Mother straight away. They won’t like you leaving no matter what, but it’ll be worse if you leave it until the last minute. You’ll need to give her time to sit with it and see you’re serious about this.’
I deflate at the thought. ‘Yes, I’ll have to tell her. She won’t be happy but hopefully she’ll see reason.’ What can Mum do – cut me off financially if I no longer work for Astor? Fine by me! A small price to pay; in fact I’llinsiston it.
Teddy shakes his head vehemently. ‘Ellie, you can’t exactly tell her the truth. She’ll convince you it’s a terrible idea and you’ll miss your chance at leaving. Or she’ll figure out a way to buy the library and then you’ll never get to try and save it.’
‘Yes, true. And part of me wants to prove I can do this before I let her in on it. Maybe I’ll say I’m taking a break from Astor for now. Going to find myself a job somewhere far far away and leave it at that?’
He considers it. ‘Why not tell them you’re burnt out, which isn’t a lie, and that you need a good solid break? Time to reflect outside of London and decide your next steps.’
‘OK, good plan. I’ll say I’m quitting and if they baulk at that, I’ll go for the burnout angle and say I need space.’
‘Perfect.’ He scrubs a hand across his face. ‘Maybe I’ll step up to the plate. Become the new you.’ Doubt leeches from every word. It’s as though he knows they won’t even bother to hear him out. Teddy made a few mistakes in his twenties, mostly because there was no supervision, no one holding him accountable and he had money to burn – always a bad combination. They’ve been so busy with Astor they haven’t noticed he’s settled down, got himself back on track and hasn’t touched a drop of booze in six months.‘Even though they still say I’mbad for optics.’ He shrugs.
Really, he’s no different to many of our family friends’ progeny who did the same but now hold down successful jobs or at least play the part.
Teddy has charisma in spades and given the chance he could run the company better than I ever could because his heart would be in it. He’s ambitious and has a head for numbers whilst I’m the daydreamer who lives and breathes books. This escape might just be the making of me, but could it also lead Teddy in the right direction?
‘I can see you in a suit,’ I say. ‘Heading up the board, making changes.’
A blush creeps up his cheeks and hope reflects in his eyes. Too soon it fades. ‘They’ll never allow it. But let’s show them that you’re not their little solider anymore, eh? That you can use that big ol’ brain in your head to save that backwater library.’
‘You’re a snob. But thanks, Teddy.’
Just who will the new me be? Will I be brave enough to pull it off?
A few short weeks later, I get an email about doing a Zoom interview for the librarian position. I tie my hair tightly back, wash my make-up off and wear some glasses so I don’t look recognisable as me. When the call comes through, I take a steadying breath. I can do this! My whole future hinges on this interview.
On screen the face of a woman appears. She’s looking down, shuffling paperwork.
‘Hi! I’m Elodie.’
She looks up surprised. ‘Sorry, Elodie I’m trying to do two jobs at once here, just like normal!’
While she appears harried, she seems to enjoy it.
‘So I’ll get to right to the point. Willow Grove library is in a dire position. There are just not enough members using it to warrant sinking more money into it. We have to be sensible about this, as sad as it would be to lose the library. It’s not only new stock they need, it’s building repairs and a whole host of other incidentals that tally up pretty quickly.’
