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“It was more, and you know it. I felt it, and you felt it, too, I know you did. You may not want to admit it, but I know you still have deep feelings for me, Grayson. You still have a place in your heart reserved for me.”
He scoffed, “No, I don’t, Jade. You leaving me was one of the best things you could have done for me. I was horny, and you were there.”
“So why did you come to the cabin to come and find me? You could have let someone else come.”
“You are my best friend’s baby sister. We can both agree he was talking out of his ass yesterday, and you two being around each other after the blow-up would not have been wise. I was doing my part.” He turned to leave. “To hate someone means I have to feel something towards the person, and I feel nothing for you, Jade. There is no hate between us and there certainly is no love between us, either. We are nothing and will remain nothing.”
Then he left the room.
I didn’t know why I felt disappointed because there was no other way this would have turned out. Grayson had made it very clear last time around that he was done with me. I couldn’t have expected sex to fix any of this.
I needed to set my boundaries with myself. I couldn’t cross this line ever again. I had other problems that I needed to handle and, although Grayson was a big issue, I had bigger issues to confront. Namely, my brother and everything he told me about our mother.
When I had looked at the papers, Ethan’s case was an easy win. It would take me no more than a week, two tops. I only needed to call in a favor from a friend. After I was done with all of that, I would leave Riverroad and thus leave Grayson Stone in my past.
He had made it clear there was nothing between us, and there would remain nothing between us from here on out.
I pulled the blanket off my naked body and got dressed in a pair of grey sweats and a large t-shirt. Then, I made my way downstairs. It was time for me to face my reality, and it was time to finally stop running.
The walk back to Grayson’s mother’s house was silent as was expected. When we got there, Grayson’s mother had gone to work, but Ethan was there. He had brought a change of clothes for me.
When I entered the house, Ethan was in the kitchen, and Grayson went to speak with him. I collected my bag at the door and made my way to the bathroom to freshen up.
When I came out freshly showered, I found the two men sitting in the kitchen talking quietly. When I entered, their heads turned to me.
“You want to have a little talk?” I looked at my brother.
“Yeah, sure.”
Ethan stood from the chair and left the kitchen. He brushed past me, and I had to hold my breath to keep myself from smelling his scent.
Our interaction felt awkward and forced, and I hated it. Everything with Ethan and me had always been easy and flowing, and I didn’t understand how he had kept all those feelings away from me. If he had just told me, I would have understood. I would have done better and been more present.
I walked over to the chair next to Ethan and made myself comfortable, and then I waited. I felt like Ethan had more to say than I did in this matter, and I wanted him to get everything off of his chest. I wanted him to lay it all on me until there was nothing left. I wanted him to unburden the load that he’d had to carry for so long.
“It was right after you left,” he started. “Mom went on a massive downward spiral. Not only was she drinking again, but she was using heavily. Before, she had been somewhat functional, but back then, she was pretty much useless. I would find her lying in her own vomit at times. She would lash out and try to inflict harm on herself and sometimes others. I had never seen her like that before. It was scary.”
I knew the feeling. It was how I had felt when I had to take care of our mother alone. She would morph into this unspeakable woman who just made terrible decisions.
“After her OD, when she finally regained consciousness, she asked to start a program. She wanted to get clean. She said that she wanted to become the mother that her daughter deserved. At the time I was just happy that she was willing to go into rehab. But now when I look back on it I realize how annoyed I was that she was doing it for you. I put her into rehab, and she started getting better. All the while, she would ask about you. Ask how you were doing and how you were coping. At the time, you were going through everything with your baby. I didn’t know what to say, so I told her you were happy. All she ever talked about was becoming better and being the mother you deserved.”
I didn’t know why, but the thought of my mom trying to get clean for me made my heart squeeze.
“She got clean and then she tried contacting you, and then you shut her down. She wrote letters and sent emails but each one got no response. She had to learn about you through me. She had two relapses before her cancer diagnosis and that was when she decided to go and try to find you.I was the one that gave her your address and she went. She told me not to tell you. She had wanted to surprise you. She had wanted to tell you of all the progress she had made in life and how far she had truly come. She wanted one last chance to redeem herself before she…before she…before she died.”
He sniffed and I grabbed his hand. I didn’t know if my gesture helped him or not, but I did know that it helped me. His words were breaking my heart. I felt the tears slowly begin to spill from my eyes.
“I’m so sorry for the things I said, Jade. Mom killed herself. I was just so angry that I wanted to hurt you as much as I was hurting on the inside. Mom had cancer. It was stage four lung cancer that had spread to her intestines, liver, and brain. She was terminal by the time of her diagnosis. She believed that the cancer was her punishment for all the sins she had committed, so she barely fought it. She only did surgery to buy herself a little more time. She needed time to make amends to all those she had wronged. And so she started on her list. The very last person on that list was you.”
My heart hammered in my chest as I continued to silently cry. Ethan’s eyes were bloodshot, and his eyelashes were wet from all his tears.
“When she came back from New York, she said that you still held so much anger, but she didn’t have time to wait. It was time for her to go. So, she wrote you this.”
He reached for an envelope that was in the middle of the island. When he flipped it over I saw that it had my mother’s handwriting on it.
“She hoped that one day you would come home and read her last goodbye to you. Her one wish was that you would bury her. I promised I would make it happen.”
I stared at the letter like it was going to eat me.
