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“Yes, I do.”
“Ellie, can you acknowledge that Marco has not lost his feelings for you, sexually or emotionally?” Katherine asks Ellie and she nods vigorously, still staring at me while holding on to my hand with a grip that reminds me we’re in this together. We both look back to Katherine before she continues, “So it doesn’t sound like there’s a lack of desire here. Ellie has expressed that she’d like to increase your sexual activity as well. That’s a good starting point.” She smiles widely at us both. “It’s very common that parents of young children have a hard time prioritizing this time together. One reason is that it’s exhausting to raise kids, so energies are low. It’s totally normal and understandable. I see it all the time actually.” Katherine leans forward in her chair and puts her elbows on her knees. “Another reason that some fathers don’t see right off the bat is a mother’s guilt. It sometimes feels tricky to want to have a separate relationship outside of her children because she believes she is taking time or energy away from them. And I know from the limited time I’ve worked with Ellie that she’s a dedicated mother and your children are her top priority, so that may be the case here as well.” Katherine and Ellie exchange a supportive look and for the first time since she told me she started therapy, I can see why Ellie started coming here. Looking at me, Katherine says, “Are there any struggles you are facing regarding your sex life, Marco?”
I take a minute to go over all the thoughts I’ve had about it since Ellie first brought it up a couple of days ago before I speak. Both women are patiently waiting for my reply.
I take a deep breath before I say, “Honestly…since we started trying for kids, what eight or nine years ago, sex seems to have become a means to an end. Even though we’re done having kids, it never really went back to how it was before.” I shrug. “A lot of the fun and spontaneity was taken out of our sex life with that initial pressure to conceive, then we just didn’t have sex for extended periods because of the pregnancies and having babies. It kind of what was what it was.” I shrug again, wishing I had a better answer. “I’ve never been an overly sexual guy anyway, even when we first started having sex as each other’s firsts. So, when Ellie’s attention shifted to being a mother, it didn’t bother me too much. I admire her for it, I don’t resent her or anything.” I feel Ellie’s grip tighten around my fingers again. “And after a twelve-hour shift or a week full of crazies, it’s not my top priority either because I’m exhausted and I feel like I save what I do have left for our kids.” I turn to Ellie. “It’s not that I don’t find you attractive though, I still do. And I’ve always enjoyed sex when we have it.”
I smile awkwardly at Ellie, unsure if that’s what she wanted to hear. Thankfully, she gifts me a genuine smile back and that puts me at ease a little.
“Would you like to prioritize your relationship and sex life more?” Katherine asks as Ellie looks at me hopefully.
I nod.
“It sounds like you both are on the same page so let’s discuss ways you can prioritize your marriage and rediscover who you both are today.” She pulls a book off the side table next to her and then turns to us again. “Activities such as dates or uninterrupted time after the kids go to bed to talk about your day without phones or TV — books you’ve read, videos you’ve seen, even the weather — will help you reconnect. The simple act of giving each other undivided attention will improve that intimacy significantly. I have a couple of assignments for you both...”
Chapter 11
"Assignments"
Ellie
Forthefirsttimeall day, I feel myself start to relax. I’ve tried to remain composed and calm, but inside I was so worried that this was going to turn out to be a mistake.
“There are two exercises I find helpful forparentswho are struggling to prioritize that time together asspouses,” Katherine tells us. “The first is to make a list of goals. Your goals as partners, really spell out your expectations for your marriage going forward so you can flesh them out to reduce the possibility of resentments. Your spouse can’t know what you want if you never tell him or her.” She nods at us so we both nod back. “You then go through your list together to see if they’re attainable and applicable to your marriage and adjust to fit both your needs. It’s also helpful to make a list of goals for yourself as an individual. This self-reflection will help you learn who you are today and allow your partner to support you in these goals. You may even find out something new about each other. How does that sound?”
“We can do that,” I answer.
“Sounds good to me.” Marco agrees.
“I want you both to wait forty-eight hours before sharing the lists with each other, longer if you need. Sit with yourself for that time because this process is about learning what you want and need from each other, and yourself, so there’s no rush. I find when couples rush it, it’s not as effective.”
"Okay," we both say in unison.
“The second assignment will take place over the next thirty days, starting after you review your goals together. You will schedule time together every day, as little or as much as you have to give. Each week you will make at minimum twointimatedates—” I hear Marco choke on his spit next to me and I laugh. Katherine laughs softly before she continues with a playfulness in her eyes. “That’s right, sexy time. The intimate dates can be kissing, touching, foreplay, intercourse, any or all of the above. Any questions?”
Marco and I both shake our heads vigorously and I say, "Nope, no questions."
“Then I want you to plan one date every week outside your home if you can manage. Throughout the rest of the week or when you have the time, you will pick a prompt from this book to talk about.” She holds up the little book she grabbed from the side table. “The point of the next thirty days is to work on your connection by redirecting your time and energy to each other. New habits take time and active change to set but you don’t need to think beyond this month. We just want to make small changes that lead to the marriage you both want.”
I look over to Marco to see how he’s doing with these “assignments.” He has the deer in the headlights look so I laugh then lean forward and grab him a mint from the table and hand it over to him.
He whispersthanksand I nod and turn my attention back to Katherine.
“Now, a lot of people get hung up on this idea that physical connection has to bespontaneous. In reality, that expectation leaves those people frustrated, defensive, and unhappy. Spontaneity is hard to come by when you have kids and work full time,” she motions to Marco and he nods, “so prioritizing this time together canaddexcitement because you know you’re going to get focused attention on your body and be able to explore your partner’s body as you share pleasure.” Katherine’s inflection changes to one of pure joy, likethisis her favorite part of the process. “Like how you schedule a vacation: you prepare by picking a date, a place, how to get there, what to pack, what to wear, what to do there… The anticipation makes itmorefun and actually leaves you looking forward to it. Sex can be the same way. And, you’ll find that when you do have spontaneous sex that’s also very exciting because it’s unexpected. There is this concern thatromanceis sacrificed in scheduling these times, but romance is constantly confused with physical affection. Romance is deliberating paying special attention to each other’s needs and making sure your partner feels seen and respected. Romance must be created with intentional actions, both in and out of the bedroom. And what constitutes romance varies from person to person. Words of affirmation feel romantic to some partners, while acts of service or gifts can lead the way to another’s hearts. So, as you begin this journey together, find out whatromanceis to your partner. If you don’t know, ask. Creating that romance will make intimacy much easier to come by, but the most important thing is that you make the time together.”
There’s a pause in the conversation as the weight of her words sinks in and she grabs another mint.
Marco and I stare at each other without a word exchanged before she says, “We’ll meet again in a month and see how the new routine went. How does that sound?”
“I think we can do that,” I say, really excited that we have these assignments to give us the direction we need to make a change.
Marco nods, still looking a little uncomfortable.
Katherine smiles. “Great. As far as the other dates, a minimum of one outside the home can mean anything from a walk together to a night on the town. Anything goes, as long as you get away from your chores and the comfort of your everyday life — the sky’s the limit.” She looks at us both with eager eyes. “Do either of you have any questions?”
“I do, actually,” I pipe up. “What if we miss one of the dates? Sometimes it’s so hard with his schedule or the kids…”
She offers me a heartfelt smile. “I know life will happen. I’ve been married for thirty-two years and have three grown kids of my own. This isn’t about hard and fast rules you have to abide by. There are no mistakes you can make here, except not putting in the effort. This is about using the next month to reconnect and rediscover your passion for one another. This journey should be fun, not work! If you have to postpone a date, make a concrete plan to try again, and move on. If it takes longer than a month to find your groove, that’s normal too.”
