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“Whoa, definitely deep. Can we go back to the animal one instead?” I tease. “I pick eagles, because they’re awesome, like me.” I point to my chest with my thumbs and smile.
She swats my hands and says, “Be serious. This one is important.”
My mind draws a blank, so I tell her, “You go first then.” I see a flash of uncertainty in her eyes. “Judgement-free zone here. You can tell me anything.” I turn to face her.
Color creeps to her cheeks again as she meets my gaze. “Umm…. I guess my biggest insecurity is that I’m failing as a mom and wife. It’s hard to be a responsive parent who is always patient and gives them the love and attention they need, especially with four who all need a very different approach. Every time I lose my shit on them, I feel so much guilt for not being able to keep it together, you know? I don’t want them to have torecoverfrom their childhood because they didn’t get everything they needed from me.” She pulls the covers to her chest and grips them tightly before she lowers her voice a little. “I feel like I fail you as a wife sometimes too. I was so focused on being the best mother I could be that it took me eight years to realize that I have been basically ignoring you and our marriage.” She stares down at her hands. “It was never on purpose, but my mental and physical energy can only go so far, and we were kind of bottom tier.”
Water wells in her eyes as stares down at the blanket she has been fidgeting with, so I grab her hand and squeeze it causing her to look back at me.
“Babe, I didn’t know you thought that. You are an outstanding mother. And wife — the absolute best. I don’t even know how you manage to do everything that you do. You dedicate your life to our kids, and I couldn’t love and respect you more for it.” I lean over and kiss a tear that has escaped. “As for me, you never have to worry about me because I’ll always be right here. I know you love me. You always show me with the little things you do, like buying me new socks when I need them without me needing to ask and reminding me to drink enough water during the day when I’m at work. Then you go and book me a race car experience and make one of my dreams come true.” I use my hands to pretend my head is exploding and she laughs. “All on top of maintaining our house and keeping yourself fed, clean, and sane.”
“Well, mostly sane.” She giggles.
“I know navigating a marriage through it all is hard, but we’re still standing. We are only getting stronger every day too. You are not failing anyone, no way, no how. You are remarkable, Ellie.”
I grab her hand and brush my lips on her knuckles, and she smiles.
“Okay, okay. Now you,” she says while wiping the moisture on her cheeks on the back of her hands.
Shifting on the bed, I clear my throat. My mind is racing as I try to put my thoughts into words. “I guess not being good enough or doing enough for everyone.”
One side of her face draws up in confusion before she says, “Why do you think you’re not good enough or doing enough?”
I steer myself before I answer. “It feels like there’s always more I could be doing for everyone. Like I look at all you do for our family, and I wonder, do I even contribute enough?”
She scoots next to me and wraps both her arms around my chest and stares up at me with sincere eyes.“Marco, youaregood enough and it hurts my heart to think you don’t know how incredible you are. You are an amazing father and husband, even though you had no real example of what that looks like, and you’ve dedicated yourself to us and continually show up. You hear me?” She squeezes me as tightly as she can, and I laugh at her determination. “As for whether you do enough, you and I area team, and that means we work together to raise our kids and maintain our home. You work your ass off to provide for our family and that contribution is immeasurable. There is no arbitraryequalwe have to strive for, a teammate picks up each other’s slack when needed and that’s what we do. We work together. So, if you’d ask me if you’re doing enough or if you’re good enough for this family, I say hell yes to both. We’re the lucky ones.” She leans up to kiss me and I melt into her warmth.
“I love you so much, Ellie.”
“I love you more.”
The sun wakes me, and I feel for Ellie before I open my eyes. Her side of the bed is cold, so I look at my phone and realize I need to leave for school drop-off soon. I had planned to take the kids and then head to my overtime training class that starts at nine o’clock. I jump up and dress, brush my teeth, and head into the kitchen.
As I approach, the sounds ofHappy by Pharrell Williamsget louder, and I freeze before I’m seen. Ellie and the kids are dancing like wild monkeys around the kitchen and singing at the top of their lungs without a care in the world.
Ellie is in her element as she infuses happiness and joy into our home. She beams with pride as she watches each kid show off their moves and encourages them to really let loose. I watch on until the song ends and the laughter has died down before I make myself seen.
“Oh, hey,” she says when she spots me, a touch winded from the dancing.
“Hey, guys,” I say to my family. Camden and Liliana run up to me, each taking a side to wrap their arms around my waist. I kiss the top of both of their heads. “I thought I was taking the kids to school today?” I look at Ellie.
“After all your excitement yesterday, I figured I’d let you sleep in a little and wake you just before we left. Sorry if we woke you.”
“You didn’t. But I’m glad I woke up in time to catch the show.” I ruffle Camden’s hair.
“Daaaad,” he whines, trying to straighten his hair back.
“Sorry, kid.” I laugh.
Ellie starts packing their lunches into their backpacks while she says, “I’ll take the kids this morning before I head to my Zumba class. I left some breakfast for you in the fridge, and I’ll meet you at home at the end of the day.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
I make the rounds and kiss each one on the head before pulling Ellie into my arms and laying a fat smooth on her lips. She giggles under my lips and frees herself to walk away, but not before I get in a good ass slapping.
I sit down with my breakfast as they all grab their backpacks and head out the door. Watching them walk away, I can’t help but think about how lucky I am they are all mine.
Chapter 17
