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Which was why everyone thought I was destined for the Path of the Body. I might have moments where I wanted my guys all to myself, but I wasn't foolish enough to believe it was possible. I also liked how excited they got when someone else caught their eye. I adored how they trusted me enough to admit it. There was something about sharing that excitement that was more powerful than jealousy.
It was like when Eladehl and I had fawned over the boy in the Temple of All Gods and Wraythe had encouraged us to talk to him. He could've been upset that we weren't both obsessed with him. He could've pushed Eladehl to talk to the guy so Wraythe could have me all to himself. Instead, he didn't treat me like a possession. He enjoyed my blushing smiles and didn't ask me to pretend like I was blind to the beautiful people around me. In return, I tried to do the same for him.
It was easier with Eladehl, though. He flirted, bragged, and included me in his excitement. It made me feel trusted, like a friend as much as a lover. While Wraythe never seemed to notice anyone else, Eladehl always acted like we'd share whoever caught his eye. Wraythe wanted to hear about the guys I noticed instead of talking about the women he found beautiful. When asked about what he liked, Wraythe always listed features he saw on me.
He did look at others, though. In the last year, I'd figured out that Wraythe liked strong women. It didn't matter if they were tall, short, thick, or thin. He liked women who weren't afraid of his size, didn't let others push them around, and who were willing to chase the things they wanted. While he had absolutely no attraction to men, he found the act of pleasure erotic regardless of who was involved. For him, it was the mental stimulation that got him going, more so than the physical.
Which made sense for a Priest of Protection. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to know my Path like that. Would it make me try less hard? Was it likely that I'd become almost obsessive about excelling on my Path the way Eladehl was? After ten years of education by the Temple of Temptation, the only thing I'd learned was that I did not want the Path of Obligation.
I'd managed to rule out and then reconsider all the others. The teachers were starting to get annoyed with me. Saval accepted my indecision, but the others couldn't. The closer the end of the year got, the harder they tried to push, insisting that our frame of mind would guide Zeal's choice. Not necessarily make it, but guide it. Most times, pairs made during our schooling were bonded in the Choosing. So how did I expect to get a future I'd be happy with if I couldn't even imagine it?
The last month before Choosing, it got worse. The first one to corner me was my weapons instructor, Priest Roek. After receiving a moderate grade on my last combat demonstration, he asked me to wait for a moment after class. Wraythe and Eladehl paused, clearly intending to wait with me, but I shooed them on without me.
"Yes, Priest Roek?" I asked.
The dark-skinned man waved me over to where he leaned against the weapon rack. "I was curious if you've chosen a Path yet. Your grades are not impressive, Nariana, but I could be persuaded to bump them up, depending on your path."
A memory of Lavin saying something similar made me tense. "What do you mean?"
"Well, if you follow the Path of the Body, you would be considered more than proficient with weapons. For the Path of the Word, you are successful, but not adept. Now, if you plan to choose the Path of Protection, I'm afraid you need a lot more instruction, but I will make a note that you transferred into this course in your eighth year. I just need to know what you intend for your future."
I licked my lips. "Then I'm afraid you'll need to give me the lower marks, Priest. I've decided to let Zeal show me the way."
He dropped his head and sighed. "You know, you could've just lied to me?"
"Yeah, and I thought about that," I admitted, "but if I end up in the Path of Protection, then I'd want my next instructors to understand why I'm weaker with weapons than the others."
"Which is fair," he agreed. "How about a compromise?"
"Ok?"
He chuckled at my reticence. "You have one month left before your Choosing. During that time, if you decide a Path, tell me. If you cannot decide by the time we do our final test, I will agree to give you a moderate - with the note - on the condition that you also bring me an essay on the limitations of the newly-invented black powder pistols."
I stared at him for a moment, then shook my head. "Wait. So, you're basically saying that I could’ve gotten an excellent in this course if I just told you I was following the Path of the Body?"
"I am. I also know that Zeal listens. Giving in to that temptation could bind you to that Path."
"So you think that's the one I should follow?" I asked, unable to believe he would pressure me this way.
Priest Roek lifted his hand. "I'm saying that could be the cost of the easy way out. I've also given you a harder, yet safer, option to consider. Your style is not yet competent enough for me to call graduate level, but you did spend most of your youth learning... dance, I think it was?"
"It was."
"Which means you have some interest in the Path of the Body. That's why I mentioned it. I am curious why you refuse to pick one, though?"
"Because none of them are right for me, but all of them have parts that are," I admitted. "See, there's always a price to pay, and if I only look at the good parts, it would be easier. If I consider the price, though? That's where I keep getting stuck."
He reached out to gently clasp my wrist. "And yet you're god-touched. You are in the lucky position to know that the Path you desire would be the one you'd get."
I jerked my chin at his open collar where the marks for the Path of the Word were only barely visible. "Is it because you got Word instead of Protection?"
"Partially," he admitted. "I also didn't have a matched partner. I wanted to be a guardian, but not to anyone in my class. Instead, Zeal gave me a better choice. He does listen, Nari, and he knows what we truly need."
"That!" I said, thrusting a hand at him to make the point. "Zeal has marked me. He has touched me. For the last ten years, all of my instructors have insisted that he knows me better than I know myself, but that's just it. I don't know myself. I'm nineteen years old! I've never given a speech, had sex, risked my life, or managed an entire project on my own. How can I be sure I'd be good at any of them - or even if I'd like it?"
"Faith," he assured me. "Sometimes, it's best to trust your gut. To give in to the temptation whispering in the back of your head."
"And the voice keeps telling me that none of the Paths are right," I countered. "If I go the Path of the Body, who would be my guardian? The one man I trust belongs with someone else. All of the rest have either never cared to know me or turned their backs on me. The Path of the Word? Believe it or not, I don't want to be locked away doing paperwork for the rest of my life. That's no different than our homework. Action is often in the lead, but I want more than that. I want to find clothes for myself, not someone else. I want to make plans for my own assignments, not theirs. I want to lay out the ceremony I'm about to lead, not step back and let someone else take over."
