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"But you don't really want to," I pointed out.
"I don't," he agreed, "but I'll do it for you. Iloveyou, Nariana. Not just friends, either. I love you so bad I can't think about anything else. So bad that the thought of us being pulled apart makes me want to stop breathing. I've prayed. Over and over, I've prayed that Zeal will give you a sign that you're supposed to be with us, that he'll understand that you are my temptation, and I will payanyprice he asks. I may not be as good at this as Wraythe..." He shoved his hair back and looked up at the ceiling, blinking quickly. "But I want you to figure it out and still end up with us. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do."
I crossed the distance between us in one step, wrapping my arms around his neck before he even saw me moving. "I love you too, Ela. You and Wraythe are my family. More than friends. More than lovers. You are my entire world. Amerlee says this will all end when we are chosen, but I refuse to believe that."
"I don't want to be your brother," he whispered.
"More than that. My partner."
"Then choose?" he begged. "Just between us and Zeal, ok? Just tell our god that!"
And I pulled away. "I can't."
"Why the fuck not?!"
We'd just been over this. I'd just explained it to him, and I knew he'd heard me. That also wasn't what he was really asking. He wanted to know why this decision to not choose mattered so much to me, and I couldn't explain it. I'd tried. For over a month, I'd tested out every version I could think of, and none of them seemed to satisfy anyone.
Because the truth was that I couldn't choose because it was the last bit of control I had left. It was my consent, and I would not give it without knowing what I was agreeing to. Maybe it was stupid, but they weren't asking me to give up something little. They wanted me to hand over my entire life without questions, and I wasnotwilling to do that.
"Tell Wraythe I'm sorry?" I asked. "I didn't mean to hurt him, and I love him as much as you."
He nodded. "Yeah. Just... I don't know what you need to do today, but figure it out, ok? Hide in here if you want, or take a walk and work it out, or cometalkto us. We will always be here. Just..." He nodded and backed toward the door. "Figure it out before dawn, Nariana, because this really is your last chance."
His words chilled me to the bone, but Eladehl didn't notice because he was already leaving. For a moment I stood there beside the sink thinking about how right he was. If I was wrong, I could be screwing up not only my life, but that of my guys as well. And if I was right, what would I get?
Nothing, but consent didn't really work that way. It wasn't about the reward, but the respect, and I really liked to think that my god liked me enough to care about that. At least I hoped he did, because I hadn't exactly chosen him. He'd been the one doing all the Choosing. Deciding to alter my body, use it when he needed it, and now he could throw me away as if I was worthless?
"Please don't do this to me, Zeal?" I begged. "You can't ask me to decide blindly. It's like asking me to consent without saying what I'm consenting to. Show me? Help me? I don't even know what I need, but I need something, and I'm begging you, my God of Temptation. With all my heart, I'm just asking to know what I'm getting into, because right now, I kinda think I'm fucking it all up."
Chapter 30
Nariana
Icouldn't go back to my room. I couldn't go to the courtyard. In desperation, I decided to head to the one place where I was technically allowed to be and yet not expected to go. Breathing deeply, I held it together as I made my way through the halls, heading toward the rear of the temple. Not the side the patrons used, and nowhere near the public areas.
Back here was nothing but grass, and when I stepped through the door, I was thankful to see I was alone. My feet carried me on, not wanting to stop until I reached a very large, very old tree. There, using my arm as a pillow, I let it hold me up and gave in. The tears rushed out with a vengeance.
I didn't know how long I stood there, letting my emotions water the grass at my feet, but eventually, a foot scuffed behind me. I tensed, and then a hand gently began to rub my back.
"I will listen if you need it," a man's caring voice offered.
Wiping at my face, I looked up to find the dark-skinned priest who'd been behind us at the ceremony for the Darkest Night. I tried to force a smile, but I was pretty sure I failed. He also didn't seem to care.
"What's managed to upset you, Priestess?" he asked.
"I'm still a student," I corrected.
He lifted a brow. "And students are still priests. I also know that you won't be a student much longer. The Choosing starts tomorrow."
I nodded. "And I'm pretty sure I made a mistake."
"You mean your Path?" He shook his head. "There's no such thing. Your god knows where you belong. Your choice is only to learn the way. To try things and see if they work - or don't."
"But I didn't choose," I told him. "I..."
He nodded, encouraging me to finish that.
"They ask us what we want to do, convincing us to set our hearts on a Path, but we don't really know. We can't! We're not allowed to have sex. We aren't supposed to drink. We haven't been trusted to organize anything. And yet, for the last ten years, all I've been told is that there's always a price. No one stops to think about that, but I can'tstop.I mean, if I choose my Path based on the best parts, then what happens if I can't handle the cost?"
