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After tonight ... I don't even know how to feel about tomorrow.
I sure as hell don't think it's a good idea to come clean with Max anymore. Especially if we're not going to last beyond the amount of time it takes for Leo's inevitable black eye to bruise.
The same sea of emotions I felt while I was sitting next to Leo on his bed grip me all night long. They hold me through the turbulence. Force me to stay awake, to think. To see what I don't want to see. And accept what I don't want to accept.
There's a war raging inside me; I just don't know which side I'm on anymore.
And as dawn breaks, a sliver of light peeking through the curtains and shining directly in my eyes, I realize I don't know, because I haven't made a choice. The decision is mine; I just have to make it.
To believe Leo, or not?
To take a chance on him, or walk away?
I think back to our conversation last night, and one particular part stands out.
"She was looking for a version of me that no longer exists. A version that hasn't existed in a long time."
"Which version is that?"
"A version that loved her."
Loved, not loves. If he were to slip up, it would have been then, right? He would have accidentally said he loves her.
My mind races through every conversation we've ever had as I lay staring up at the crack in my ceiling. The imperfection I've come to love. His deep voice, his words, causing my heart to accelerate, my palms to sweat.
You're the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen. And I want nothing more than to see all of you, but I also don't have a death wish.
Now he's willing to go head-to-head with Max.
See something you like?
I think you know the answer to that.
Because he thinks I'm beautiful.
I'm going to show you what it means to be worshiped, angel. With my hands. With my mouth. But we aren't going to cross that line tonight. When I look your brother in the eye and tell him we're together, I want our relationship to be as pure as it is right now.
Because he cares about me.
I like you, a lot. You're my angel. And whether Max gives us his blessing or not next week, you'll still be mine. I don't plan on walking away. He can beat me up if he wants. Threaten to kill me. None of that scares me half as much as the way I feel about you.
Deep down, I think he loves me. He hasn't said it, but he's shown me.
In the way he saved me at the Halloween party from the drunk creep.
How he put thought into our first night together, from refusing to sleep at Brady's place to the candles and rose petals.
Most importantly, refusing to have sex with me. Not because he wanted Max's blessing to deflower me, but because he wanted Max's trust. That he would take care of me, treat me right.
Last night wasn't a fluke.
He didn't cheat on me.
He knew it would be hard, but he was open and honest with me. And what did I do? I doubted him. Us.
I'm the asshole in this situation.
I'm the one who should be apologizing, not him.
