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"No! I'm not leaving. You promised me a good time, what the fuck, Nyxon!" she whines, crossing her arms over her big, fake tits. I have no idea what her name is but I vaguely remember seeing her around the LDS clubhouse on occasion, hanging out with Bethany and Daria. Fuck, bringing her here was just a fucking mistake. I am never going to hear the end of this shit.
"You heard him, get the fuck out before I throw you out," a cold, emotionless voice calls out from the stairs. My head flies in that direction and the movement is enough to have me reaching out to steady myself on the couch. The room spins and I force the vomit threatening to make an appearance, back down. Fuck, I am too fucking drunk for this shit right now.
My heart hammers in my chest at the fact that Stone is here now, witnessing my downward spiral, my moment of fucking utter self-destruction. Bracing my hands on the back of the couch, my head hangs heavy as I try to control the emotions burning up inside of me. Every single one of them competes with the other for first place. Anger, disgust, heartbreak, devastation, sadness,love.
A hand on my shoulder has me jolting upright and almost falling over from the instant dizziness. "She's gone, brother. Come, let's talk." I shouldn't go with him. I shouldn't be allowed in this fucking house. I should have been thrown out on the sidewalk with the skank. But as my best friend wraps his arm around my shoulders and leads me toward the elevator, I follow, as if on autopilot.
Stone pulls me along like a child, directing me into the elevator. I have no idea what button he presses or where we're going and I don't really give a fuck. Leaning against the wall, I hold onto the railing to keep myself upright as I squeeze my eyes shut, ignoring the sensation of movement. The door dings open and a gust of wind rushes in, letting me know that we're on the rooftop deck. I've barely peeled my eyes open before I'm once again being tugged along.
The thought makes me release a loud, booming laugh that quickly has him pausing. He's just so much smaller than I am, and here I am, letting him cart me along like a fucking toddler. It's ridiculous. When he looks at me questioningly, I just shrug because I don't even think I could formulate my thoughts well enough to actually say them out loud. It just wouldn't make sense. Instead, I push him aside and trudge my way over to the glass barrier that surrounds the roof. It comes up just under my chest and I lean on it, taking in one of my favorite views in the world.
A year ago, when we were searching for a plot of land to build on, nothing felt right. All of us worked on the house plans together with an architect, so we knew what we wanted and how much space we needed but the location and view were up for discussion. We knew what area we wanted. We knew we wanted to be as far away from the Diablos clubhouse and Augustus' home as possible. We knew we wanted to be near the bay. Other than that, we didn't give a fuck. Neighborhoods, scenery, it didn't matter. It wasn't until we stumbled across an old abandoned home with a killer view of the Golden Gate that I made the decision. We tore it down and haven't looked back since.
Seeing the bridge every single day stood as a reminder for me and for once, it wasn't of something tainted and ugly, like the rest of my life. Seeing the bridge reminds me of what I'm fighting for, a future with my best friends, my brothers. It reminds me of everything that I almost lost that day when I thought about giving up. But most of all, it reminds me of her.
Since the day our house was completed, this has become my favorite spot. All the guys know that if I'm home and they can't find me, this is where I'll be. It's a place of comfort and it's where I go not only to find solace, but it also provides me with perspective. It's a place that helps me sort through my thoughts and all of the shit constantly berating my life. If I can survive all that I've survived, if each of us can, then we're going to make it. We have to. Looking at the place that I almost willing offered my life to, reminds me of what I still have left to fight for.
In my darkest moments, I've wondered what and the fuck the point of all of this is. Why did she show up and save my life for me to turn around and push her away? Was it the cosmos or God or whoever, placing her in my life because someone out there knew that she was meant to be my salvation? If so, why and the fuck did it take two years for her to come back to me? No, the better question is, why is it that since the moment she walked back into my life like some sort of fucking gift, have I been doing nothing but trying to force her back out?
Because I'm fucken broken. I'm a fucked up person with no soul, no redeeming qualities, and a heart of stone. I don't deserve her and she deserves better than this life.
"Wanna tell me what's going on?" Stone murmurs, his voice barely audible over the strong San Fran winds. I hadn't even realized he had come up next to me. I'd actually completely forgotten how I got up here in the first place.
Sighing, I drop my head and run my fingers through my hair. Fuck. I want to say no. I want to tell him to fuck off. I don't want to talk about shit but more than that, I have no idea what to fucking say. When I don't answer, he continues and my stomach clenches because I already know he's going to say something that will wreck me in some way. It's what he does. He doesn't want to hurt us, he just drops the truth like an atom bomb, no matter how painful it is.
"You know," he starts, leaning further over the edge and mirroring my position, "I know what was in that journal. I may not have read it, and I have no intention to do so because in all honestly, those are her private thoughts. They were meant for no one's eyes but hers alone, and that includes yours. You were never meant to see that Nyxon but now that you have, I can imagine how you are feeling."
My stomach churns and I swallow a few times so I don't throw up over the side of the fucking house. Fuck, of course, he knows that's what this whole fucking thing is about.
"You've been doing everything in your power to push her away. I'm not sure if it's because you're afraid of the ramifications of someone like her being in our lives, in our world, or if it's because of what she makes you feel. It's probably both and those reasons are valid, Nyxon. You're scared and we don't do well with being afraid, do we?" he huffs out a knowing laugh. "We need to be in control of everything around us as much as possible because we know what can happen when things happen unexpectedly. We know how badly things can go for not only us, both those around us. We want to protect ourselves and each other and we can't do that when the unexpected is thrown in our path.
But brother, sometimes the unexpected doesn't equate to danger or to something bad happening. Sometimes, the unexpected being thrown in your path is good and beautiful." He pauses and audibly swallows. I feel the heaviness of everything he's saying deep in my fucking heart. "Sheis good and beautiful and I don't just mean physically. She is an incredible human. She has seen the ugliness of our world and yet she is still here. She has heard some of what we are about from Gage and Maddox, she has heard how bad their lives have been, but she still wants them. She has dealt with the awful way you've been treating her and somehow," he chuckles, "somehow, that beautiful girl still wants you, Nyxon."
My head shoots in his direction and a scowl takes over my face at his words. "She doesn't," I bark out. Looking me over in that way of his that is all too fucking knowing, he considers me before grinning and shaking his head.
"You two are idiots," he laughs. "Neither of you has any idea, do you?" When I continue to look at him likehe'sthe idiot, his smile fades and he glances away, taking in the view. "Nyxon, you are trying to push her away. We all see it. I don't know if you're expecting her to bolt if you're mean enough, or if you think that hurting her is the answer, but all you're doing is breaking yourself, brother. She is strong and capable. She's been through so fucking much and yet she is still fighting. I think she is going to surprise everyone, including you. I don't think she will bolt and no, that is not an invitation for you to up your torment. But, I do think that all you will end up doing if you continue down this path, is ruin your shot at the best thing that may ever happen to you."
Fuck.What am I fucking doing? He's right, because, of fucking course he is. But that doesn't make this shit any easier. I don't know how to stop or what to do. Every single time I see her softening toward me, or I find myself letting her in, I see her life flash before my fucking eyes. Every. Single. Time.
When I consider letting go and just seeing what happens, accepting her in my life, in our lives, I seeherinstead of them. I see her being beaten, raped, and taken. I see her on the floor, crying out for help as she's dragged away. I feel myself trying to get to her but I can't because I'm trapped behind a door, watching the scene between the slats. And every time that happens, I know that pushing her away, forcing her out of our lives, is the right fucking thing to do, which makes me angry all over again. Mad at myself, mad at the guys for so willingly accepting her into the fold without fear of the consequences. Just mad. Then, I take it out on her.
But today, finding that journal, fuck, I can't even explain. I wasn't mad. I wasdestroyed. Why would she do that? We met two years ago on a bridge, and yeah, we bonded. I've never felt closer or more drawn to another person in my life than I was with her that day, and of course, she's been on my mind since then. But me? Why would she think about me? Especially to that extent. I never thought I had any type of profound effect on her life. I never thought that what I was feeling could have been reciprocated.
And the more I looked, the more I discovered how fucking wrong I was. The words, the cries for help, the pleas for me to come back, it broke something inside of me.
Recluse-Cursive
"When I was reading that book, I realized how fucking wrong I've been this whole time," I say, the words nothing more than I choked whisper. But the way he turns toward me, his eyes full of concern, tells me he heard me. "That morning, out on the bridge, I was desperate and devastated. I was drunk and angry. So fucking angry, Stone. How dare Gus make me of all people, dothat? How could I live with myself if I listened to his orders? Never in my life, no matter how bad shit had gotten before, losing Lina and mom, my dad, fuck, it sucked. It was bad. But never before that day had I considered killing myself. Not once."
"Yet, there I was, on the wrong side of the fucking Golden Gate bridge, staring down at the bay in the middle of the night. I stood out there for fuck knows how long and honestly, I was so fucked up that I still have no idea how I didn't fall in. I don't even know how I got there. And then all of the sudden, she was there. This tiny little thing, looking a fucking mess and pulling me back over the rails, pulling me back to life. She was so mad and feisty," I chuckle at the memory. "she wouldn't give up on me. And then, she told me why she was there."
Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I run my fingers through my beard. "She was there to jump, Stone. Really jump. I've dissected that day so many fucking times and every time, I come back to the same conclusion I had that day. I was never really going to do it. I don't know why I was there, why I chose to stand where I stood, I never understood it. The only thing that made sense was that I was there for her to pull me back, to remind me that I needed to fight. That I had a life to live, people to be there for. But today, reading her journal, I realized my mistake. I was wrong, so fucking wrong, brother."
"What are you talking about?" he asks, scooting closer and squeezing my arm for comfort. His touch forces the tears I've been holding in to finally spill-free. "What do you mean you were wrong, Nyx?" he presses.
"She wasn't therefor me," I choke out. "I was therefor her."Looking up at him, I see nothing but confusion and it makes me push forward. "She told me and I just didn't listen. She told me that she had tried to kill herself before, it wasn't her first attempt. She told me her life was bad, her memories were fucked up. She told me that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get rid of her past and that's why she was there. Stone,she told methat she was really going to jump. She wasn't there to save me, I was there to save her. And what did I fucking do? I abandoned her. I left her there in the parking lot of that shop, turned around, and never fucking looked back. And her journal? Brother, it's not a fucking journal. Its hundreds of pages of letters, and words, meant for me. Her crying out for me to help her, to save her, to protect her, to fucking come back. She needed me, just likethey—"I choke on a sob, unable to continue.
Deep, dark, anguished sounds come tearing out of me as I crumble to the ground. I vaguely hear Stone murmurfuck,before he's there on the ground next to me and pulling me into his arms as everything comes tumbling out of me. Everything that I have kept inside of me for so long. All of the emotions that have festered, like an open wound, an infection that has gone untreated. All of the pain I have felt for so long over losing my big sister, my best friend, losing my mom who was a wonderful, pure fucking human being. The pain of watching my father, my rock, the one who handled everything, took care of everyone, loved all of us including my brothers, spiral down a dark path after my mom and sister were taken.
