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“Thank you.”
Joel’s eyes meet mine and he asks what I need to know. “Are you going to be okay?”
“I have no idea. But Sarah is pretty good at taking care of me, so I’m in good hands with her and Mackie. I’ll talk with you later, though, I promise.”
“Okay.”
“Joel?”
“Yeah?”
“Take care of him, okay?” She snuffles on tears and it breaks me. Tears fill my eyes, too. Because it shouldn’t be like this. I’m so scared. Scared to lose her. I’d become that asshole guy who’s miserable forever because he lost the most important person in his life.
“Yeah, Rae, we will. Promise.”
“Thanks, Joelskies.”
“Always. Bye.”
He hangs up the phone and I drop my head into my hands, not even trying to hide my tears.
Joel slides over next to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. We’re gonna figure it out.”
He wraps an arm around my back as my chest shudders.
I’m not sure it will be okay. Because it feels like I’m on the brink of losing her.
Rae
We’ve been sitting in the driveway for the better part of the last ten minutes, but I’ve made no attempt to move. I look down at my phone.He wants to talk to you.Part of me wants to call Aaron. Wants to tell him I love him too much to give up on us. I want to tell him it’s okay if he needs time. If he loves me, that’s what matters. But the other part of me is sayingscrew that. He did what he did because he’s not ready for any of this and you’ll break your own heart all over again.
And that’s the part I listen to.
The worst thing, though, is that all of me,all of me, wants him. He’s my best friend. Usually when my heart is aching, he’s the one I go to. I want him to cuddle with me. I want him to make me feel better. I want the safety of his arms. Then I hate him for making that comfort impossible. And I hate myself for wanting him at all.
I sigh and throw the passenger door open, unable to actually muster anything to say as we all get out. We go up the back deck and climb through the window, tossing all of our winter gear off. I look down at my leggings. I’d almost forgotten what I was wearing.
As I stare at them, I remember Aaron’s hand pressed against them. My heart goes to my throat and I rip them off like it’s somehow their fault. Then I slide under my covers, trying to hide from the world.
Sarah climbs over me and sits down next to me. Mackie sits on the other side of me, rubbing up and down my leg.
“Rae baby, what happened?” Sarah asks in a gentle voice.
And that’s when I lose it again. Seeing Aaron and Joel fight had ripped me away from my own pain and tears. Now they’re back in full force.
I let it all tumble out—everything that happened. I try to make sure it makes sense, but it’s hard. Thankfully, Sarah and Mackie seem to understand for the most part.
“I’ve never… I didn’t realize I could go from feeling so loved to feeling so worthless in such a short amount of time.”
Sarah sweeps some hair off my face and gently wipes the tears from my cheeks. Then she looks at me, eyes serious. “I know you’re hurting, but do you believe Aaron, of all people, would ever want you to feel worthless?”
I wipe my nose and shake my head. “After today, I’m not sure what to believe anymore.”
Sarah and Mackie exchange a glance.
“Look, we’re always on your team—even when we aren’t picking teams,” Mackie says with a smile. “But he didn’t seem like he didn’t want you—or at least he didn’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m sure he didn’t want to hurt me when he went out with Caity while he was in love with me, but that hurt, too. See, that’s the thing. It’s not only about today. He’s been doing this for months. And I know I put him through a lot when I was—healing. But the second I was feeling better, finally ready to move toward something, he took Caity to homecoming. Then, seeing I was sad about that, he said it meant nothing. Two weeks later, he’s dating her. Then we have this fight and he breaks up with her but doesn’t tell me. Now we’ve been floating along, growing closer again. I thought we were on the right track. This morning—we had a moment. And now here I am again. I keep thinking he wants me. I keep putting my trust in him. Every time I end up feeling like this. The worst part is it doesn’t stop me from wanting him. I’m stupid in love with him. But that love is starting to hurt now.”
