AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Right.”
We look at each other for a moment, both aware there’s a lot we’re not saying.
She leans over and kisses my forehead. “Love ya, Rae baby. Night.”
“Night.”
We roll in opposite directions and I try to ignore the disconnect between all of us lately. I look out at the sky and think of the stars. I don’t make a wish, but I do hope that Aaron and Joel patch things up. Then I think back to my bath and quickly fall asleep.
Aaron
Loud cawing draws me from a good sleep. A quick glance at the gray sky slowly brimming with color tells me it’s around five in the morning. I hear stairs creak and the deck door shut. It’s Joel, I know it. He can never sleep when he feels unsettled.
I slide on sweats and slippers and head for the back deck. Joel is leaning against the railing, looking at the sun barely visible over the lake.
I open the door quietly and step onto the deck.
“Hey.”
He spins to face me. “Hi.”
I walk to where he’s standing and rest my elbows on the railing. I can’t wait til we get to live here junior year. This view is gorgeous.
We stand there like a couple of idiots, not saying anything for a good five minutes until I finally clear my throat.
“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you. Both when I was in a shitty place and when I wasn’t. I’m still a fucking wreck in a lot of ways. I’m still figuring a lot out. I never wanted things like this, but it hurts to feel like my best friend doesn’t have my back.”
He nods. “I know. I didn’t show up for you like I should have. And I’ve been… kind of an asshole to you, to say the least.” He huffs out a sigh, then looks at the sunrise. “Earlier in the year, I admit I was mad at you for not fighting more and giving into the pain. And I know I didn’t talk to you about it like I should have.
“Then, when you seemed like you were doing better, I was acting like an ass because I think I was… taking out my frustrations on you. I see you and Rae doing this back and forth. Now especially, you seem like the best version of you I’ve ever known. Yet you and Rae are still apart even though we can all see how much you love each other. And it’s pissing me off. I know Rae would throw herself into your arms if you told her you wanted to be with her right now. You’re the one stopping things from happening. And I’m a little sensitive about that.”
My brow furrows in confusion. “Why?”
He lets out a soft, sardonic chuckle, still not looking at me. “Because… I’m in love with Sarah. And I know she’s not—won’t let herself be—in love with me.”
My eyes go wide. I think my mouth drops. I mean, it’s obvious they have chemistry and connection, but he’s actually in love with her? Damn.
“Exactly.” He runs his hand through his short hair, then down his face. “I’m hopeless. And screwed. Definitely not in the fun way. Because she went down this road with Trevor. She’s watched what you guys are dealing with. And even though she hasn’t explicitly come out and said she wouldn’t date me, she’s made it clear how she feels about dating a friend again. Something about ‘been there, done that, got the T-shirt, then burned it.’ I don’t fucking know. All I know is I don’t have a shot with her, but here I am, stupid in love with her, anyway.”
Well,shit. I was not expecting that. I know how it feels to love someone and not be with them. But for him to feel so hopeless? I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that with Rae. Even now.
I clamp my hand on his shoulder. “That sucks.” My brain is rolling over every interaction between the two of them since prom night. She might be hooking up with some random guy, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve seen the way she looks at him. She’s not stupid. Stubborn, yes. But not stupid. She might be purposely pushing him away—a McKinley trait she somehow inherited even without the genetics—but she won’t be able to keep that up forever. Lines will blur. I’ve been there too. “Have some faith.”
He blinks at me in disbelief. “Really?”
“Really what?”
He looks down, then shrugs. “I don’t know… you of all people saying that.”
“I’m not hopeless, Joel. Do you think I am?”
He shakes his head. “Of course not. I’m… proud of you. You just spent a lot of time not seeming particularlyhopeful.”
I let out a wry chuckle and stand up straight. Spinning around, I lean my back against the railing and cross my arms over my chest. “I was in a very dark place. I felt alone and lost and like Ideservedto go through it by myself.”
He turns to look at me. “Is that why you ended things with Rae? You never really explained.”
I shake my head. “Yes. And no. She was closing off while I was being a shitshow of a boyfriend. I was inconsistent, pushing her away one second and grabbing on for dear life another. But she didn’t really fight for me when I was crumbling. Yes, as my friend, she was there. But as mygirlfriend?Her running away from me further proved my point. I didn’t deserve her.”
