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His eyes are wide. “Fuck. That’s what you thought? Tell me you don’t anymore.”
“No. I’ve learned a lot in the last few months. We didn’t trust each other. Our relationship wasn’t as strong as we thought. And it crumbled under the pressure of our flaws and figuring our lives out. I still have hope for us because the pieces are still there—the most important ones, at least. We still have our foundation, but it needs some work.”
He lets out a slow breath. “I guess so.”
“For the record, just because Rae would run back to my arms, doesn’t mean it would be right. I’ve been through a lot in the last year.” I stop and laugh. “Almost two, actually. And I love Rae. I love her in a way that’s impossible to describe, but I know I’m not ready to share myself with another person yet. There’s so much I’m still figuring out and learning about me. It’s not just that I need to do that by myself, it’s that I want to. Looking back, as badly as we wanted each other and as much as we love each other, I don’t think I was ready for the intensity of our relationship. That’s why I’m not rushing back to her now. I want to make sure that I’m comfortable with where I’m at and I’m ready to put everything I have into our relationship, because that’s what our love deserves. I’m not saying Rae is doing it wrong. We’re different people. And nothing about this is black and white. It’s murky and complicated.”
He chuckles. “Probably doesn’t help that you still make out.”
“That’s the hardest part. That draw to her is so fucking powerful. I’m trying to tame that impulse I always have around her. The one I’ve always had. I want to touch her, hold her, be with her. She always calls it blurred lines. And it is. I know it makes it harder. But I think the only other option is not being in each other’s lives and neither of us can stomach that. So we are where we are.”
“Are you worried about getting back together with her?”
“In some ways. I didn’t just hurt her. She hurt me too. I’m trying to learn from that, but sometimes I’m not sure if she is. That’s always been the toughest thing with Rae. I know when she’s hurting. I know when she needs me. I can read every expression on her face, but when she’s quiet and withdrawn, I have no idea what’s going on in her head. It scares me because I don’t know if she’s dealing with her own stuff or ignoring it. And it scares me that she might keep shutting me out whenever we’re together again. I know I briefly did that with her, but she’s the master of closing off, putting up those walls.”
He stares at the lake, his voice quiet. “I understand why that scares you. Because that version of her is hard to get through to. Even if she’s only slightly shutting you out. Have you talked to her about it?”
I shake my head. “No. Until we’re at the point of getting back together, I don’t want to. It’s an important conversation for our relationship, but I don’t want to affect how she deals with all of this. Certain stuff she has to figure out and face on her own.”
He nods, but doesn’t say anything for a minute. When he turns to face me, his eyes are filled with emotion. “I’m sorry, Aaron. No excuses. No bullshit. I’m sorry.”
I look down for a second. I love the guys. I trust them with my life. I still don’t like being a crying sap in front of them. That’s Joel’s job. Give him one more minute. “Thank you for apologizing. I know I didn’t make it easy. And I’m sorry for not talking to you about stuff. I know I don’t shut down the way Rae does, but I wasn’t telling you the truth.” I blow out a breath, trying to keep the emotion from my voice. “You’re my best friend, Joel. I missed you. I love you, man.”
He breathes out a shaky breath and mutters, “Fuck.” He wipes a couple of tears off his cheek—called it. “I love you too, A.”
“Well, thank fuck.”
We both turn to see early-riser Miles staring at us from the doorway.
He steps onto the deck and walks toward us. “It’s about time you two kissed and made up.”
I slug his shoulder as he laughs. Then his vibrant green eyes turn serious. “I’m glad you dealt with this. It’s important. Our friendships are important.” His eyes roll between us. “I’ll be right back. Sit.” He gestures to the Adirondack chairs lining the deck.
We both drop down and look at the red hue of the sun rising above the lake. Miles returns a moment later with three beers in his hands.
He gives one to each of us, keeping one for himself, then plops down next to me.
“Beer before sunrise?”
He grins at me. “Breakfast of champions.”
Joel and I shrug and open ours.
“It’s been a hell of a year so far and we have been all over the place. I think it’s time to get back to letting each other in. So, we’re gonna drink these beers, watch the sunrise, and talk through everything. All three of us, deal?”
Joel inhales sharply and nods before looking at me.
Trust. It’s a part of letting them in. Trusting them not to judge me. Trusting them to have my back. Trusting that I’m worth it—I didn’t see it before, but I know I am now. And I need my best friends.
“I’m in.”
The sun is well into the sky and we’ve gone from the depths of pain to laughing until we cried. We’re all several beers in and reveling in the quiet peace of the morning. We’ve been sitting in silence for a while when Joel says, “Well, that was entirely too heavy a conversation to have before breakfast. Want to go make some food?”
I cock an eyebrow at him. “Since when do you cook?”
He laughs. “Fine, let’s go sit at the kitchen counter and stare at Miles while he cooks.”
“That sounds about right,” Miles agrees, rising from his chair. “You’re both useless as fuck in the kitchen. Minus the coffee, A. And I could use a pot of that about now.”
