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I contain a smile. “Now that, I can do. Let’s go.”
As we walk inside, I make a mental note of another thing I want to do—learn to cook. Maybe not like Miles, but the basics. My mom tried to teach me, but I was all about baseball, Rae, and the hot tub with my friends. Now I want to learn.
Laughing with the two of them as Miles cooks breakfast feels good. Miles made a good point. We’ve been fractured and trying to figure things out alone. Sure, we can’t learn and grow for each other, but we can still support each other as we do. And it feels damn good to be doing that again.
Chapter eleven
Brother vs. Brother
Rae
“Ooh,guesswhatIgot!” Sarah calls, bouncing through the door of our room, where Miles, Joel, Mackie and I are watchingBurn Notice.Yeah, for like the hundredth time, but whatever. Why watch a new show that might suck when you can watch something you know you already like?
“What?” I call, setting the popcorn in Miles’s lap. He looks happily at it. I swear, he’s like Joey Tribbiani lately. He wants girls and food and that’s all.
“Will you pause that? Or, I don’t know, pay attention since you’ve seen it a thousand times?”
Joel immediately pauses it and turns to Sarah with an idiot-smile.
Damn, he must be in deep.
He hurtles himself over the back of the couch and struts over to Sarah.
She notices, but quickly focuses her attention on whatever she has in front of her. “Where’s A?”
“Right here,” he calls, walking in the door. His hair is slightly wet and mussed from recently showering, and he smells like spiced-sex-on-a-stick.
His grin is filled with genuine happiness as he strolls into the room.
It was so much easier not being with him when he was unhappy.
Oof. What the fuck? That’s awful.
Does that mean it’s easier when he’s happy? That I only want him when he’s happy?
No. That makes no sense. I want all of him.
Until it’s hard. No. Not that kind.
I do want all of him, but I’d be lying if I said his constant state of frustration and anger and disconnection wasn’t a turn off.
My heart slams as blood rushes in my ears.
I hate these moments.
Moments where I realize how stupid I was with him. How stupid I still am sometimes. How I didn’t show up for him the way he needed me to.
Did I give up because things got hard? Because he wasn’t easy to deal with? What the hell does that say about me?
I squeak and jump about a foot when Miles throws his arm around my shoulder, bringing me back to reality.
Everyone in the room stops and stares at me. Miles looks at me with deep concern. He knows I’m not usually like that and the only other time I was was after…
“I’m okay. Sorry. I zoned out hard and you surprised me.” I tuck my arm around his waist and smile up at him. “Sorry, buddy. Didn’t mean to freak you out.”
Everyone seems to accept this answer. They know how I zone out. Aaron probably knows there was more going on in my head, which means he’ll bug me about it later.
Great, just what I need—to haveanotherbreakdown in front of him.
