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“This is so fucked. I want her. I’m ready for us. I tell her that and…”
“You were expecting something else? You two have been back and forth and around and around. You can’t be in the heat of the moment and tell her that.”
“So, I shouldn’t have said it?” I ask, nearing my breaking point.
She gently takes my hand. “Rae is right. You should’ve told her sooner. But I understand why you didn’t. And today, you probably should’ve talked her down and gotten to a better place before you told her. But the truth is, you guys were due for this.”
I turn to stare at her. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you guys will talk about some stuff, but the deepest emotions you hide away, it’s part of your problem. You have to figure out how to fight through your own shit. But more importantly, you have to figure out how to fight together.”
“That seems irrelevant now.”
She scoffs. “Yeah right.”
“You heard her,” I insist.
She stands up and looks at me. “And you know she didn’t mean a word of it. In fact, I guarantee you she already regrets it. But she has to sort it out for herself.”
“She said she wasn’t going to Charleston.”
“She’ll go.”
“Sarah—”
She shakes her head as I stand up. “Who are you right now? Normally, you’d never give up for a fucking second. She didn’t mean it. Give her the space to process, but then put your money where your mouth is and keep fighting for her. That’s what she needs. That’s all she’s ever needed from you. Don’t fuck it up this time.”
My eyes widen. I know she’s right, but I also don’t know where to go from here. I’ve never felt this way with Rae. Never.
Sarah wraps her arms around me. “Have faith, Aaron. In her. In yourself. In your love. No matter what either of you think, it’s not over. It never will be.”
She squeezes my hand, then walks out of the room. I watch her go, then I climb out the window and close it behind me. I slowly walk back to my house, praying that Sarah is right, and trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to do next.
Rae
I can’t do this anymore. There is no us. We both lied.
Ugh. I’m an idiot. And I did lie. Because I’d never give up on him. No matter what, I’d never give up on him or us. But I’m hurt and I’m angry. I feel broken and empty. And I have no idea where to go from here.
In our relationship, I mean. Physically, I know exactly where I’m going. I pull into my grandparents’ driveway and head for the woods. I need to clear my head.
I wander through the trails, not paying attention to where I’m going until I find myself standing in front of a tree. The one that looks like a heart. I’ve come to think of it asThe Sweetheart Tree—after the song.
I reach out and gently touch it. As I do, I remember Aaron and me standing here. It was the day he told me we’d have forever. That no matter what happened, even if something tore us apart, we’d always have forever. I sink to the ground, body trembling as my heart breaks more, because that’s still what I want. I still want to believe in that, to fight for that, but I don’t know how anymore. Everything between us feels broken in a way it never has before.
And he was right. He’s still right. Because I ran away, didn’t I? I’m not there fighting. With him. For us. I’m part of the problem.
Trying to get ahold of myself, I stand up and snuffle, trying to pull all the overflowing emotions back inside. I wish he were here with me right now. But I also don’t. I can’t go into this haphazardly. I want to get us right. If there is still an us.
There is no us.
The tree mocks me as I stare at it, remembering how we touched it together, the look in his eyes, the feeling in my heart, the one I ache to let free again. I want to love him like that again. I want him to love me that way again. I want our love. I want us. But I don’t know how to get there from here.
I stare at the tree until it releases its hold on me and my breathing evens. Then I walk around for a while, trying to let the puffy redness in my face fade away, but I know my grandparents will notice no matter what.
When I get back to the house, they’re drinking lemonade on the back deck.
“There she is,” Grandpa says.
