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“You’re right. It wasn’t. But we aren’t together, Aaron. You don’t owe me anything.”
Those words are a knife to my heart. “Rae.” I shake my head. “You texted me that day. I didn’t get it until the next morning. What did you want to say?”
Fire fills her eyes. They pierce me, right to my soul. Her body tightens up. “Doesn’t matter now.”
“Yes, it does. Please.”
The fire in her eyes is replaced by sadness. She slowly shakes her head, looking down. When her eyes drift back to me, she says, “You really want to know?”
I swallow hard and nod. I already have a feeling I’m going to regret this.
“Fine. I texted you because I spent Thanksgiving break and this whole last week thinking about you and us. And I was going to tell you—” Her fists clench and release a few times. “I was going to tell you I wasn’t going to give up on us. You asked me—no,begged—me not to, and I was going to tell you…” She shakes her head. “I was gonna tell you I was still in. That we didn’t have to have a romantic relationship to be committed to each other and fight for each other. But clearly, you already gave up on us, so it doesn’t matter.” She grips the door tightly. Probably ready to slam it in my face.
Her words hit hard. But they twist inside me. And even though I feel bad, they also make me angry. Because she sure didn’t look like she felt that way when she was kissing Kevin.
“Well, maybe I would’ve believed that if I hadn’t seen you making out with Kevin.”
Ah, fuck. Nope. That was the absolute wrong thing to say. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I constantly go from zero to jackass in 2.3 seconds? And the way she’s staring at me right now? If looks could physically harm, I’m pretty sure I’d be blown through the wall behind me from the look on her face.
“Fuck you!”
“I’m sorr—”
“Don’t! Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t you blame me. Don’t you twist this! You broke up with me. You begged me not to give up. You got wasted. You slept with someone else. You keep throwing us away. Do not come here and try to apologize when you don’t even mean it! I am so fucking tired of this. I’m tired of hurting because you’re selfish or insecure or I don’t even know what because you won’t talk to me! Now you’re blaming me for it? If you’d wanted to talk about it, if you’d wanted to know, I would’ve told you the truth. I would have been honest. Hell, it’s why I fucking texted you. But you didn’t do any of that. You ran off and got drunk and fucked some girl. Regardless of me or us, I know that’s not who you are. You feel good about that? Grow the hell up, Aaron! And until you’re ready to take responsibility for yourself and your choices, stay out of my life. I mean it. I’m done. We’re not together. We’re not friends. We’re not anything! So go fuck whoever you want. I don’t care anymore.”
“Rae Rae,” Joel’s soft voice comes from behind her.
She turns to face him, Jesse, and Sarah who have been watching this unfold.
Rae tearfully collapses in Joel’s arms. Sarah walks over and wraps an arm around her back and leans her head against Rae’s. Jesse whispers something in Rae’s ear before turning to me. He grabs his jacket and nods toward the hallway. “Let’s go for a walk.”
Once we’re a little way from the dorm, Jesse gestures to a bench.
We both drop onto it. Jesse lets out a loud exhale.
“Well, she’s real pissed at you.”
I nod slowly. “Yep.”
“What’s going on, A?”
I look down and let out a wry chuckle. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m fucking up at every turn.”
He sighs. “I don’t necessarily believe that’s true, but even if you are, why?”
That’s the million-dollar question.
“I… I don’t know. I’m broken. Don’t know how to fix anything.”
He eyes me in disbelief. “So, you’re just giving into it?”
“I don’t need a lecture.”
He puts his hands up. “I’m not trying to lecture you. I’m your friend. I give a shit about you. The question is, why don’t you give a shit about yourself, Aaron?”
“Because I’m not worth it. This version of me isn’t. And I don’t know how to get out of the riptide that I’m caught in.”
Jesse stares at me for a moment, blinking. “Jesus. Are you depressed? If that’s what’s going on, you need to get help. Even if it’s not. Therapy—”
