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Prologue
The Past
Jade, emerald, lizard, lime, shamrock, seafoam and chartreuse: so many colours, blending and pinging into each other while drumming out their own tattoo from far across the North Sea. It was as if a celestial realm had opened up a window in the sky and with every heartbeat it was tearing up the familiar black, wider and wider, so you could almost believe that very soon, heaven itself would be visible to the naked eye. Liv shook herself out. The last thing she wanted to be thinking about now was heaven, or any kind of paradise that felt no more real than pie in the sky. Or death or dying. She could do that every second of the day if she allowed her mind to wander, even just a fraction from the steady path she’d worn out with wishful thinking. It was really blinkered hopefulness that she knew no oncologist would ever encourage in the face of what was inevitable. It was just a matter of time and not very much of it at that. More nights than she cared to admit now, Liv found herself – in the darkest hours, when sleep raced like a rapid fox just always out of reach – even resorting to prayer.
‘Whoever said there were only forty shades of green obviously hadn’t seen aurora borealis.’ Rachel yawned as she snuggled further beneath the heavy blanket Pete had wrapped around them.
‘I don’t think they ever meant that there wereonlyforty shades.’ Liv laughed and rubbed against her twin affectionately. It still shocked her, that feeling that the very fabric of Rachel had changed so much. They had spent a lifetime being identical and suddenly, within the space of months, it seemed that one had wasted away to half the person of the other. Liv gasped. It was a sharp intake of breath at the sadness that had somehow become everything she was now, even if she pretended otherwise. ‘God, it’s even more beautiful than I ever remember seeing it before.’
‘It is the most dramatic display ever; the weather forecaster was banging on about it earlier when I went to visit my nan,’ Pete said, taking a handful of crisps and munching thoughtfully. The sky looked as though someone had emptied out a paint box on the other side of the universe and all the most brilliant colours were colliding in heart-stopping splendour. ‘I think they’ve put it on just for you, Rachel.’ His voice dipped a little now. Liv was thinking exactly the same thing, even if she wouldn’t admit it. Well, not in front of Rachel anyway; it seemed too much like the curtain on the final act drawing closed.
‘Well, it’s the best present I could have asked for,’ she said softly. Her eyes were wide, just like when they were children, her mouth slightly open as her head tilted further and further back. ‘The best night ever.’
Pete pulled the huge quilt up closer around the three of them, tucking it under Rachel’s chin, cutting out any chill that might penetrate her fragile body. It was September. Evenings were drawing in cooler, but even if they wouldn’t say so, none of them wanted this day to end. For just one night, they could pretend that this would go on forever, for one night only, the sky was clear and aurora borealis was giving them the display of a lifetime, playing out a dramatic backdrop across the sky in the distance.
‘It’s perfect,’ Liv breathed, glancing from Rachel to Pete, but their attention was completely wrapped up in the display before them. They were holding hands, under the blanket, and then as if Rachel knew she knew, she stretched her arm around Liv’s shoulders and pulled her closer to them. Liv inhaled the scent of her sister. She wanted to pull down a shutter on this moment and keep them here safe and together forever, but she was a nurse; she knew well enough that you can’t do that, no matter how much you love people. There’s no stopping the progress of some things. Rachel’s cancer diagnosis: its uncontainable march to the inevitable terrible end, was as unstoppable to her as the Northern Lights playing out over their heads.
‘It’s like emeralds, stringing out across the sky,’ Pete said.
‘You know what they say about shooting stars.’ Rachel’s voice was heavy now, dragged down by drugs and weariness.Every time you see one it’s another soul walking into heaven.‘Always think of me, like this, promise?’ She waited a beat, because they knew what she meant. ‘Remember when we’ve been happy, not…’ She closed her eyes, falling into a light sleep and for once, Liv was glad because she bit her lip and scrunched her eyes closed tight and willed herself so hard not to cry. She held her breath while her belly burned with unexploded grief and so much love it could only just be contained.
‘Okay?’ Pete whispered to her and he rummaged beneath the blanket with his free hand and caught hers and it felt like a lifeline, something she could hold on to in the worst of storms, and it would always bring her home.
1
Liv sat in the coffee shop. It was a treat she normally didn’t allow herself, but it was her last break of the day and it had been a very long day. In the grip of Christmas holiday madness, everyone was emptying out of the hospital now, patients and staff getting home as quickly as they could make their escape. She could feel the hospital almost growing larger around her, as if it was echoing, looming; the attempt at cheery seasonal spirit falling short when everyone would far prefer to be somewhere else.
For the next three days, it would operate on a skeleton shift. For the most part, unlucky rostered doctors, nurses, porters and catering staff. You could spot a mile off the few who actually volunteered to work Christmas for their own reasons, and they would do their best to pretend that they actually wanted to be here. Not everyone loves Christmas, one of the older nurses had told Liv when she started out, and Liv had shivered, knowing too well that for some, it was the loneliest time of the year.
Of course, Christmas in Ballycove, with her family, her mum and dad and Maya – well, it felt like a million miles away from the sterile, whispery atmosphere of the hospital at this time of year. Yes, it was probably traditional, maybe even boring as far as some people might be concerned: there’d be midnight mass, turkey and Christmas carols; if they had the energy, after dinner, a walk about the farm and maybe a game of charades to finish off the day.
If Liv counted herself as lucky any other day of the year, it was even more pronounced at Christmas. Her mum would have spent the last month preparing for it in her own many small ways: making puddings and Christmas cakes, pretending that she’d made half the amount and giving most of them away to neighbours and friends well in advance of the holidays. Her dad, well, she could imagine him now, making hourly pilgrimages up and down the old stone sheds to check on whichever ewe was about to give birth next. And Maya would be swearing under her breath in the sitting room, trying to decorate the wonkiest Christmas tree her father could manage to find in the small plantation they’d set years earlier.
Maya was Liv’s baby sister who, it always seemed to Liv, had been born with far more sense than she needed, probably enough for both of them, not that she’d ever admit that to Maya of course.
Liv loved going home for Christmas. She adored every cheesy tacky tinselly bit of the holiday and even that first Christmas after losing Rachel, her identical twin, although she was achingly sad, somehow she had managed to feel closer to her twin sister than she had expected. Of course, Rachel loved Christmas. The year they found out she was sick, they’d volunteered at a homeless shelter near the training hospital. Liv found herself smiling remembering that time: it turned out that even in death, Rachel could cheer Liv up in spite of herself.
Was it weird that she still felt as if her twin sister might only have stepped out of the room temporarily? It wasn’t something you could go telling people. Well, she’d told Pete once, but they were both very drunk and she wasn’t sure Pete really counted. He already thought she was a little crazy and anyway, he was Rachel’s best friend and in some ways, she figured that the idea might give him the same sort of comfort that it gave her.
She waved across the foyer at old Bill Hickey the porter. He’d worked at the hospital since he left school, never missed a Christmas shift, he told her once. She had a feeling this might be his last year. He still had a spring in his step, but even Bill would have to retire at some point. She wondered if he’d come back as a volunteer or if he would be one of those colleagues who just vanished from the hospital as completely as if they’d been wiped away.
Liv sipped the last of her coffee. It tasted good, strong and sweet just the way she preferred it. She looked at her watch; she wasn’t due back on the ward for another five minutes, so she pulled her phone from her bag and began to check through her messages. Her boyfriend Eddie had travelled home to Ballycove already, but there was no word that he had arrived safely. But then, that was Eddie, a man of few words. He’d always been the strong and silent type – Liv adored him, but he could be mildly infuriating when you wanted to know that he’d arrived safe and sound. He was the opposite of Pete who had filled her inbox with funny memes and Christmas jokes, most of which she was ignoring until she finished her shift.
Her mother and her sister had been messaging over and back on the family WhatsApp group all day, everything from checking who was picking up the shopping to trying to figure out what each gift contained under the Christmas tree. Obviously, things were quiet in Maya’s office. Liv tapped out a message, letting them know that she was looking forward to finishing up in another few hours. Pete had offered to stay back until the end of her shift and they’d travel home together after she picked up her bags and the family gifts from her flat. She could have sent them home with Eddie, to save the round trip, but she knew Pete wouldn’t mind.
It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Eddie to bring them safely, but with Eddie, you just never knew. Her boyfriend could as easily toss a mountain of wet clothes on top of her lovely wrapping and it would have been a whole load of effort for nothing. That was the problem with being so creatively talented – sometimes it meant that the mundane practicalities didn’t really mean as much to him. Poor Eddie, he was so busy the last few weeks, they hardly saw each other. But busy was good, because it meant that his business was making money and if he was going to propose to her this Christmas, they’d need plenty of money for a wedding and then, down the road (hopefully, not too far) they could look at selling her flat and getting a bigger place to start a family.
This thought warmed her.
It had always been her biggest ambition to get married and have children – lots of children. She didn’t want to be alone. She wanted a family of her own, a dog, a little house and a husband who’d be her partner until the very end. Just knowing that Eddie had gone to the trouble of making that ring for her, well, it was probably the best Christmas gift he’d ever given her and he didn’t even realise it. Even thinking about it made her feel a rush of love for him; he really was the best.
She hadn’t told a soul – not even Maya. Well, how could she? It was meant to be a surprise, even for her! She’d found the ring one afternoon in the workshop, quite by accident. It washer ring. It was everything she’d ever dreamed of, tiny emeralds shooting across a narrow golden bar. It was a miniature of those shooting stars that had filled the sky the night Rachel had slipped away. If she’d sat down and drawn it for him, she wasn’t sure she could make it more perfect.
Automatically, Liv put her hands to her neck, but of course, Rachel’s locket had gone missing years ago. It wasn’t that it had been expensive, but to her it was completely priceless. It had been their grandmother’s, passed to Rachel and then to Liv. It was a strange thing, but she still missed it, still felt its loss, as if with it she’d lost some little connection to Rachel.
She’d dropped a tear when she spotted the ring Eddie had made for her. He’d managed to make the perfect ring, bringing together the future she hoped for and still including Rachel in it even if she wasn’t here to share it with her. But that was Eddie – sometimes he made her happy without even thinking about it. Perhaps it came from having a mother who was, Liv thought for a moment, what was the word? Difficult? Exacting? She thought of that old saying: the man who’s good to his mother will be good to his wife. Well, that was Eddie all over. He’d spent a lifetime trying to keep his mother happy. In Liv’s mind, it meant that one day he’d do the same for her – hadn’t he already started by secretly making the perfect engagement ring?
A couple leaving the hospital with two babies in matching navy carry seats bustled by her. Liv loved twins, well, she’d been one herself. But Rachel had died before her twenty-fifth birthday. Cancer – what else. She still talked to her regularly (in her head, not out loud – she wasn’t completely nuts!) She even still regularly wrote notes to Rachel in her journal, just to keep her up to speed with how life was going. Sometimes, she felt a striking pressure to live life well enough for both of them.
