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The worst part of it all was I couldn’t get rid of the dread. I wasn’t going to know either way, until she woke up. I wanted to believe that she had gotten through it okay and would be healed, but I wasn’t sure. I wanted to be sure, and I wasn’t going to feel right until I knew one way or another. It was hard to wait, especially when she wasn’t waking up like she was supposed to. Then, I started to get worried.
When my shift was over, Amber still hadn’t woken up, and I decided I would come back later to check on her. I wasn’t working the next day, but I had to go in and see how she was doing, if she was able to feel anything, move anything.
Alice asked me what was wrong when we were on the way home.
“Just had a hard surgery, baby, that’s all.”
“Did you make them feel better?”
I sighed and told her that I hoped I had.
“I am sure you did, Dad. You fix everything.”
I tried not to show my emotions; it bothered Alice when I was weak. I knew that she saw me that way, someone who could fix anything, but that didn’t mean that I was always able to. I had not been able to save the person I loved most. I would have done anything to save her, but I hadn’t been enough. I was afraid that it was going to be the same thing with Amber. I needed to be enough for her, to fix her.
“I hope so, baby. I really do.”
* * *
I gota call later that evening. Amber was up, and I wished I was there. Alice was sleeping, but with no thought of another nanny right now, I had to wait until morning. I kept asking if she was moving or not, but she was out of it. She’d just had surgery, so I told them to make sure she got some sleep, and I would look in on her in the morning or at a later time. I wanted to believe that everything was okay, kept telling myself so, but it was hard to imagine anything else.
The next morning, Alice went with me to the hospital. I dropped her off with one of the nurses and went into the room.
“You don’t have your jacket on today.”
I looked down and realized that I didn’t. I should have put it on, looked more professional, but I hadn’t even thought about that. All I could think about was what was going on with Amber, and if the surgery had done the trick or not. I really needed it to be okay. I was worried about how it was going, what was fixed and not fixed. I’d made promises and I needed to know if I had held to them or not.
“Yeah, it’s technically my day off.”
“Oh, so what are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see how you were doing, how it went.”
“You want to know if I am still paralyzed?”
I agreed, though I didn’t like how she put it so black and white. It was exactly what I was there for, but I wouldn’t have said it like that. To say it like that made me uncomfortable. To say it out loud made it so it could actually happen, and I didn’t want to think like that.
“Yes, that is why I am here.”
“Well, I will take away the suspense. I can move. I don’t know if I can walk just yet, I am afraid to try, but I can feel things, move my toes. I think it’s going to be okay, doc.”
I laughed, feeling like I wanted to cry, my eyes welling up, and I turned away.
“Well, that is good news, though I think I am supposed to be the one to tell you that it’s going to be okay.”
“You look like you were worried about it. You didn’t mess me up, don’t worry. I believe that you have fixed me, just like you promised.”
“You don’t know how good that is to hear.”
I stopped. She knew exactly what I meant. It was her life that might not be down the tubes. I hated the idea of her young life ending in such a way. She was going to be okay, and I was happier than I should have been. My heart was so full it almost didn’t want to hold it in.
5
Amber
The hospital wasn’t so bad, especially now that I was really on the mend. Frank had fixed me, as he promised, but I wasn’t told how hard it was all going to be. It wasn’t said that all of the work that they wanted me to do was harder than anything that I’d ever experienced before. I was tired all the time; physical therapy was kicking my ass, and it was still hard to sleep.
It had been a week now and since I was healing so nicely, there was talk of me going home. Problem was, I didn’t have a home to go to, and I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle the care that I needed. I was still barely walking, so how was I going to stay in a hotel by myself? It was confusing and scary, but something I had to think about.
