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“I love you.” Aiden pulls the duvet over me, and I rest my head on the soft feather pillow. He lies behind me and wraps his arm around my body, holding me tightly while I let go and softly cry into the pillow. He nuzzles into my hair as we lay in the bed together mourning the loss of our child who we never even celebrated the life of.
We spend the rest of the day and into the night holding each other. He softly talks to me and tries to distract me from my raging thoughts. It works, and then I remember again—it’s like a never-ending cycle. Aiden kisses my forehead, then I slowly drift off to sleep.
I wake suddenly to the chiming alarm, so I sit up in bed.
Aiden slowly moves with me as he crinkles his forehead.
I turn, switch off the alarm and gingerly edge out of bed.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“I’m getting ready for work.”
His brow furrows. “Jeni, the doctor said you have to rest. You can’t go to work today.”
I’m weak as I make my way to the closet, but I want to be distracted. Give myself something to do other than listening to my constant thoughts.
Aiden rushes out of bed and walks over to me, taking my arm and pulling me to him. “You can’t go to work today. I’ll be here with you. We need to grieve… together.”
“No! I need to be distracted. I can’t stay here and wallow in self-pity.”
He furrows his brows, almost like he’s angry. “Jeni, everything that happened was an accident. There was nothing you could’ve done that would’ve saved our child. You need to grieve and not pretend it didn’t happen,” he begs.
I swallow hard, pulling away from him and continuing to get my clothes ready for work. He exhales and walks over, sitting on the edge of the bed, placing his head in his hands. I look over at him, and watch a single tear slide down his cheek. I sigh and stop what I’m doing and make my way over to sit next to him on the bed.
“Aiden… I’m sorry.”
His body is shaking as his emotions take hold. He lets out a gut-wrenching sob as he cries into his hands. My stomach falls through the floor seeing him so distraught, so I wrap my arm around him and hold on tightly as guilt ravages every part of my being. “I’m so sorry, Aiden. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I say continuously as I start to lose control too.
Emotion hits me like a tidal wave.
I thought I was holding it together.
But watching Aiden fall apart brings me to my damn knees.
Utter despair rips through the very fabric of my being. Tears flood my eyes so intensely I can’t see as sadness erupts from deep within my soul. I slide onto the floor in my despair, then I feel his hand on my back as he joins me, pulling me to him tightly, and we sob together.
“I’m sorry,” I whimper again as he rocks with me in his arms, and we both mourn the loss of our baby together, on the floor, in a mess of tears and emotion.
I didn’t think it would be this hard.
I didn’t think losing a part of us would hurt this much.
