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I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t. I was not even sure what to say, although I had the conversation planned before I dialed his number. I was choking on my own silence.
J.R. finally hung up the phone, and then I put mine down, too. I thought about crying, but I didn’t. I decided that I would tell him about Knox another day. This day, we were celebrating her first birthday.
We had a party for Knox. It was nothing major. Just the three of us—Kelley, Knox, and me—and Kelley’s parents, who came over to celebrate, too. Her parents had been such a blessing to me since Knox’s birth. They doted on Knox much like she was their granddaughter. I had always been so grateful for all that they did for us. More than they should have ever had to.
We even invited Chels, who happened to be in town that day. After Chels graduated from the university, she took a year to travel and met a man in Italy—and the rest is history. Sometimes, I think life is a bit unfair. Who is fortunate enough to graduate from college, hop on a plane the next day, and journey across the face of the earth? Chels.
I decorated our little house with streamers and balloons, and I even bought Knox her very own cupcake to devour. We all laughed as Knox poked her chubby, little fingers into the icing. Then, Knox smashed the perfect, little cupcake into a patty. Knox’s lips were blue from the food coloring in the icing, and she was perfectly content pushing the smooshed cake into her mouth with the palm of her chubby, little hand. I figured I’d regret the decision to let her have free reign of the cupcake later.
“I called him today,” I told Kelley quietly as we watched Knox play with her food. Kelley’s parents were snapping photos of Knox, not paying any attention to Kelley and me.
Kelley nearly choked on her drink at my confession. “What?”
I leaned forward and wiped some icing from Knox’s chin. “I couldn’t say anything. I just sat there like an idiot while he got frustrated on the other line, repeating ‘hello’ over and over again.”
“Why didn’t you just say something?”
I cut my eyes at her. “What was I going to say?”
She shook her head at me but shrugged her shoulders, too. “I still think you should just take her to him. She’s a year old now. It’s not too late, Rach.”
“I know what you think,” I replied. “But I’m not ready for that.”
“You’re just afraid.”
“Yep.” I agreed. I was. I was a complete and utter coward. At least, I could admit it. Besides, how on earth would I show up on his doorstep a year-and-a-half later with a kid on my hip? That wouldn’t go over well at all.
“The longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be for him to forgive you.”
“Yep.” I wouldn’t look at her. I watched Knox Rose with her thick, dark hair; stunning, blue eyes; and her plump, little lips. I smiled, and I could always see J.R. in her little face. He was there; he just didn’t know it.
20
Present
I’m packing our things back into the car, getting ready to make the drive back to the Upstate. The weekend is over, and I’m sort of relieved. The stress and tension of the last two days have been overwhelming for me, especially as I try to pretend for Knox that everything is okay. Besides that, I had only written a single paragraph about why the world isn’t going to end on December 21. Adam would not be happy, but he’s obsessed with Kelley these days, so I’m sure I can find some way to get the heat off of me.
J.R. is leaving tomorrow for a four-week tour with the band. A lot has changed over the last few years, but that remains the same.
J.R. and Knox are sitting together on the front porch swing. I hear them talking and laughing, and I wonder what they are discussing. I feel like a bit of an outsider, uninvited into their new, little world.
The sky is blue overhead. The sun is warm. Birds are singing, and somewhere in the distance, I can hear the soft rumble of the ocean. It’s humid today, only a slight breeze for relief. I do miss this place. The coast breathes a life into me that I can’t explain.
“Ready, Rosie girl?” I ask, making my way to the front porch. J.R and Knox look up at me; their blue eyes together are stunning, and my breath catches in my throat.
“Stop calling me that,” Knox mumbles, sliding off the swing.
“It’s my job to annoy you with nicknames.” I smile.
J.R. looks sad, like a boy at the fair that didn’t get to ride all of the roller coasters he wanted. He follows Knox to me, and then he puts his hand on top of her head while looking at me.
“The band and I will be in the Upstate, at the Handlebar, in a couple of weeks,” he says. “I’d like to come see her while I’m in town.”
“Of course,” I reply. “The Handlebar—where it all began.” I smile trying to make light of our situation. “Maybe we’ll all go out for dinner.”
“No. Just Knox and me.” His expression is stiff. I know that it hurts him to exclude me from the equation, but I think that it’s also J.R.’s way of protecting himself.
My heart sinks, and I try to hide the disappointment from my face. “That’s fine, too.” My eyes burn, and I think I might cry. I don’t.
