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“Is it? So I suppose Gus is different too. And Chase. And Levi. And everyone in this whole damn town. You love them because it’s different.”
It’s not different. You love all those people, so why can’t you love her?
No. Bullshit. Of course it was different. Those people were family, and you had to love family. You didn’t get a choice with family.
But he had a choice with Beth.
Beth was someone he could love and love intensely. She was so bright, so beautiful, and she was having his child. She was compassionate and strong. She was the light to leaven his dark and she wanted his intensity. She reveled in it in a way Sheri never did.
She suited the man he was now far better than Sheri.
Which meant he couldn’t have her. Ever.
He couldn’t give himself to another person again, not like that. Losing Sheri had nearly killed him. He’d been a shell of a man afterward, his heart dead inside his chest, and it had taken him a long time to come back to himself again. A long time to heal.
Beth was wrong. He didn’t want to be the one to give her happiness. Yes, he wanted her in his bed and in his arms, but that’s it. He didn’t want her in his heart. He didn’t want to let himself love anyone the way he’d loved Sheri ever again.
Keeping his heart to himself ensured he could be there for the people that needed him, and that was the most important thing.
Even if it meant shutting out the one person who didn’t deserve it.
“Yes.” The word sounded flat in his ears. “It’s different.”
“How?”
“I don’t have a choice with them. They’re my family.”
Beth was standing so close, her scent surrounding him, and he could see the silver pendant at her throat and the frantic race of her pulse beneath it. Could see the compassion and sympathy in her eyes, as if he was the one who deserved it, not her.
“And I’m not?” she asked gently. “Is that what you’re saying?”
“I’m saying you’re a choice.” He couldn’t be anything but hard now because that would at least keep her at a distance. “And I can’t choose you.”
It was a shitty thing to say, and he wanted her to turn from him and walk away. To take her bright, shining presence away, along with the temptation to throw himself into her light and burn there.
But she only nodded, as if this was something she expected him to say. “I get it, Finn,” she said. “Maybe if I’d lost someone like you lost Sheri, then I might make the same choice. And I’m not going to demand you make a different one. It’s hard to love again when you’ve had a loss, and it’s hard to trust when you’ve been let down. It’s hard to reach out, to make yourself vulnerable.” She took a little breath. “But if there’s anything I’ve learned while being here it’s that suffering alone doesn’t help. You need people around you, and you need to let them in.” She took a step toward him, coming close, but didn’t touch him, though he could tell she wanted to. “You taught me to trust again, Finn Kelly. You taught me I was strong enough to ask for help and thatisa strength, no matter what some people might say. And I want you to feel that strength too. So…if and when you decide to make a different choice, I’ll be here.”
He stared at her, not understanding at first. “What do you mean you’ll be here?”
She smiled, even though her eyes were full of tears. A genuine, beautiful Beth smile. “Well, I’m hardly going to walk away from you, am I? You were always there for me. Why shouldn’t I be there for you?”
“Beth, I—”
“No, don’t say anything. You don’t have to now. We’ll sort things out later.” She hesitated a moment. “I’m going to give you some space though. So I hope you don’t mind if sleep at Clint’s tonight.”
He felt as if the ground was abruptly sloping away from him, his balance shot, unsteady on his feet. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, her to walk away, get angry, shout at him, anything but this compassion and sympathy.
Even Sheri would have shouted at him, since she’d had no patience with his “fussing” around her, as she termed it.
Yet Beth wasn’t doing any of that. She was only smiling at him as if he’d given her a gift, not flung her love back in her face.
“I can’t marry you, Beth,” he said bluntly, ignoring the growl of his more possessive self, because it seemed she didn’t understand. “You know that, right? Not now.”
A tear slid down her cheek, which didn’t make any sense to him because she was still smiling. “That’s your decision. If you don’t want to, you don’t want to. Just know that whatever you decide, I’m not going to go back to the States. I’m staying in New Zealand. And I’ll stay in Brightwater Valley.”
Relief gripped him, so intense he could hardly breathe. All he could do was nod.
Then without a word, she walked up to him and touched his cheek gently, as if she was saying goodbye. Then her hand dropped away, and she went past him, out into the night.
