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But all the words were sounding weirdly hollow, like justifications, like excuses.
He took a breath, trying to get some air into his lungs. “You don’t understand. What happens if I’m happier with her than I was with Sheri? Does my marriage to Sheri then matter at all? Was it a mistake? If I fall in love with Beth, is she the love of my life instead of Sheri?” He took another step, his heart pounding, struggling to articulate all the doubts suddenly crowding in. “Will I forget her, Chase? If I fall in love with Beth, does that mean Sheri doesn’t matter anymore?”
Chase didn’t move. “No, and I think you know that, Finn,” he said gruffly. “That’s all bullshit, just excuses. Loving someone else doesn’t mean Sheri didn’t matter and it doesn’t cancel out your marriage. You were a different person then. Sheri was perfect for you when you married her, and Beth is perfect for you now, you bloody idiot. Can’t you see that?”
“It’s not about me,” he shot back, though something inside him whispered that that was a lie. “This is about not wanting to tie Beth to a relationship where she doesn’t get what she needs. And it’s about protecting her—”
“No it isn’t,” Chase said sharply. “You think I don’t know what you’re doing? I did the same goddamn thing when the shit hit the fan with Izzy. I thought I was protecting her, but I wasn’t. I was protecting myself.”
He’s right. Because it’s easier to do that than it is to risk your heart again.
Well, wasn’t he right to protect himself? Hadn’t he been through enough? Didn’t he deserve something easy for once? Something that didn’t hurt?
“You’re shit-scared,” Chase went on, his silver gaze roaming over Finn. “Don’t think I can’t see that. And I get it. You lost Sheri and I know you’re grieving. I know it hurts. But she’d have no patience for this crap. She’d tell you to pull your head out of your ass, stop building a shrine for her, stop standing vigil, and go and be happy.”
The barb struck home, because of course Sheri would say that. She’d tell him he was being ridiculous. Tell him he was being too sentimental.
She did always want you to be happy, remember?
He did remember, especially those last moments. He’d held her hand and she’d given him the most lovely smile. “Stop looking so sad,” she’d said. “I’ll be okay. But I want you to be happy, okay? Promise me?”
He had. He’d promised her, all the while knowing he’d never be happy again.
So what good is that promise when you never meant to keep it?
He couldn’t stand the look in his brother’s eyes, couldn’t stand the way his thoughts kept circling, so he turned away, walking blindly down the steps and heading to the edge of the flat lawn, where the ground sloped down into the bush, where the bath was.
He stopped, staring unseeing into the darkness.
“How can I do that?” he said, sensing his brother nearby. “Losing her nearly killed me and I can’t…I don’t want to do it again.”
“I don’t know.” Chase’s voice was flat. “I got no advice for you about that. All I know is that loving someone else doesn’t mean you stop loving Sheri. Love doesn’t work that way.”
“I don’t know if I can go through that again.”
“Then figure it out, dumbass,” Chase said impatiently. “Because you know what? You were right, itisabout her. And Beth deserves better.”
It took Finn a long while to realize that Chase had gone and that he was standing alone in the dark with the outdoor bath in front of him.
That stupid bath.
Sheri had wanted it put in, then had taken one bath in it and decided she didn’t like it and hadn’t gone in it again.
Beth wanted to use it. She’d love it.
She would. He could see her loving sitting in the warm water and looking out over the bush, washing that beautiful hair of hers.
He looked down at the bath, his heart twisting around in his chest. Hell, he’d made that damn bath a holy relic to a woman who hadn’t even liked it. Just as he’d turned the cabin into a big deal by never visiting, so he couldn’t see Beth in Sheri’s place. Never talking about Sheri, guarding her memory jealously.
But no, it wasn’t her memory he was guarding, was it?
It was himself. It was his heart.
Chase was right, Sheri would be appalled at him. She’d never had any patience with his intensity, and she’d be horrified at him not wanting Beth to use the bath because of her. A waste, she would have said. She would have been happy to see it being used, just like she’d love to see Beth using her cabin.
She would have been happy to see him using his heart too.
Be happy, she’d told him.
