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“I love it. Almost as much as I love you. But it’s not staying here. I’m going to need this in my office.”
“Daddy, not in your office.”
“Oh definitely, I could be talked out of it though…”
“And how would I do that?” I whisper into his skin as I unbutton his shirt.
“Tell me you love me and you will never leave me.”
“I love you, Daddy. I will never leave you, never ever.” I say the words into his mouth.
His hold is so tight it hurts. It’s a good hurt though, the best kind that reminds you life might be painful, but feeling it—it’s better than not feeling anything. And the pain will pass. Pain means something, pain reminds you there is good and bad and to treasure the good when it comes.
As Daddy and I come together, I give a silent prayer of thanks to the universe for this man, and I hope we stay like this forever.
CHAPTER32
Three Years Later
Phoenix
I’m torn from sleep by pressure warning me I have seconds to get out of bed to pee. Annoyed, I roll off the bed and move fast into the bathroom. Bladder relieved, I yawn as I wash my hands. It is too freaking early. I have no idea what time it is—it just feels too early.
With how often I’ve been washing my hands because I’m peeing seventeen times a day and the cold of a Chicago winter, as soon as I dry my hands I work lotion into them. I work the excess into the skin of my belly. The baby feels it and does that weird flip thing. Watching the way my skin moves amazes me, as always. Even now at twenty-five weeks in I can’t believe I’m pregnant.
My eyes find Daddy asleep in bed. Our bedroom is dark except from the light spilling out from the bathroom. I’m not sure of the time, it could be three in the morning or even noon. Yesterday wasn’t an easy day for me with my HG—hyperemesis gravidarum—basically, I’m nauseous all the damn time and the word violently fits how I vomit often. Daddy hadn’t gone into the club, wanting to take care of me. Something he’s done a lot of the last few months. I hoped the nausea would get better around the twenty week mark the way it did for some women, it didn’t happen.
Once again, I spent last night worried it would hurt the baby, but even more worried the complication was making Daddy regret saying yes. The baby moves again as if to remind me that Daddy wanted him too.
A chuckle slips out of me at how afraid I’d been to ask him. I close my eyes and that day in Charlie’s office flashes.
Daddy hadn’t asked why I wanted him to attend the session, per Charlie’s advice, he waited until we were there and me to talk. He’d been hurt. I ached for being the cause of his pain.
“You think after everything we’ve been through and how much I love you, I’m going to throw all of it away because…” He shakes his head.
The words are trapped in my throat, Charlie answers the question for me. “There are an endless number of marriages that suffer when children are introduced. The rate of infidelity increases with each child. Phoenix is simply discussing her fear with you. She isn’t accusing you of anything. You’ve also been vocal about how much you love your life together without children. All she wants is to hear your thoughts on your life with children.”
With every passing second my stomach twists tighter, afraid he would admit he didn’t want them and would only say yes to make me happy. I couldn’t forget every time he sighed in relief when he talked of Milos and Nikita adjusting to not getting their wives to themselves. Our life is amazing, I felt greedy asking for more.
Yet as amazing as things are, lately a different longing has grown. Watching Daddy with his nephews and nieces is the sweetest thing in the world. As much as I loved seeing it in the beginning I still wasn’t sure if I could be a good mother. Then there is the whole our sons would be forced into Bratva.
If it weren't for Celia, I'm not certain I would have the courage to consider children. Celia admitted when she was growing up, she didn't want anything to do with the mafia life. As the daughter of a high-ranking capo who became the Don, she knew all of the bad and the good. Daddy was so careful to keep not only the bad away, I didn't see any good at all. She helped me not only see the good but embrace the bad.
Celia questioned my hesitation when I admitted my fears that our son wouldn't have a choice in his life. She reminded me not everyone did. I was shocked when she told me all the things she didn’t have a choice in. I remembered how I didn't and the life I have now is so amazing I’m glad I wasn't given a choice. The thing that stuck with me the most was when she said: people might say mafia was a necessary evil to keep the worst away. But how evil are they, if they are necessary? There was a reason why the FBI protected Daddy and his family.
It came back to me, the way they stopped trafficking—to go against their father, their god, to do the right thing wasn’t something I should have forgotten. They also kept the worst of the worst out of Chicago, Milos and Daddy were far more willing to kill problems than the Outfit. And they hid it better.
Daddy takes my hand. “Do I want children? I will admit seeing Milos with Kira and Victor, the idea of a child appealed. Yet I felt your fear. I understood it. I didn’t resent it and I wasn’t going to urge you one way or another. There are good and bad things to having a child.”
Oh thank god.
“Yes, I love our life. Children are a lot. They require more intention and sacrifice. I would never agree to having a child if I believed for one second it would hurt what we have become. You are far too important to me. Remember, I've told you I won't allow you to hurt yourself. As for those marriages that came apart with each child, it was a case of a selfish person more concerned with their own happiness. I have no doubt you will make a wonderful mother and I know it will make you happy. You happy is all I care about.”
I can’t help it, I throw my arms around his neck and hold him tight.
He chuckles. “I told you this was never about right now. This is for forever. So if you want one or three or five, we will have them. If we have to go three months or six months or a year without sex, we will never go that long without love and as long as we have love, it's all that matters.”
“I’m sorry. I swear it’s only for the same reason as yours. If all I can have is you, I’ll be content. I was afraid of being greedy.” I whisper into his ear.
