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“Aren’t you lucky then to have a Daddy who loves giving his greedy girl everything she wants? You get there are things we need to agree to, right?”
“Like what?”
“Like a nanny is a requirement. As is more staff if I think it’s necessary. We both agree there will be times they will come before us, but they will never come between us. You carve out time for yourself, alone. Not with me. It is for you to do whatever you need whether it’s reading, vegging in front of the television, or time with friends. It will not be work of any kind. It is a time for you to connect with you, the things that make you happy and give you joy separate from me or the kids.”
Loving the way he takes care of me. “I agree.”
“And for yourself, Aleksander?” Charlie asks.
“What about me?”
“What things will you put in place to continue to take care of yourself? The added weight of your wife’s happiness as she navigates motherhood and the way your relationship will change is heavier than many men think. It’s also a reason men cheat, the load overwhelms them. They seek someone else or something else to deal with the pressure they are under. What are you going to do to mitigate the increased load you will carry?” She leans back, curious.
Another chuckle comes from him. “Not a damn thing. Phoenix is my source of relief from the stress of my day. She is well aware she, my family, and work are the only things I spend my time on or care about. It’s why it’s important to me that she keep her own identity as Phoenix. If she becomes sucked into the identity of only a mother, what happens once the children are grown? I’ve also heard many horror stories of a woman believing as a mother she is not allowed to be a person with her own needs or the child’s needs are more important than her own. Her happiness is my happiness. It’s all I need.”
I hug him tight.
“While I appreciate your concern for Phoenix not losing herself. This is a very unsafe way of thinking. By being your only source of happiness, what happens when she isn’t? Post-partem depression could happen and can be traumatic for both of you. It can take months to recover from. What happens to you while she’s locked in her own battle? It might seem improbable, yet if a woman comes into your life providing an escape from what anyone would deem a difficult time…”
He shrugs. “I become whatever she needs until she comes out of it. I’m very aware our relationship will change over the years, whether we have children or not. Neither one of us changing is unlikely. It could be she grows to finally love caviar, or how she grew to love reading some of the dirtiest porn that call themselves romance instead of the mysteries she loved so much. With changes come growth, like in finding her love of reading it allowed her to see even more so how widespread her desires are.”
Charlie’s eyes narrow on him.
“Before my wife came into my life my only source of happiness was my family. I had sex often and without feeling a thing. While I had respect for my partner, there was no deep affection. Work was how I filled my day to pretend my life was full. It wasn’t, it was empty. Phoenix is my joy. I am aware Phoenix could feel overwhelmed herself at the idea of being my one reason for getting out of bed. I’m not saying I can’t and wouldn’t get out of bed without her. I’m saying I don’t want to. All I need is her happy, that’s it. It isn’t about making love with her, it’s her. If she is happy and content then so am I. If she goes through PPD or even a regular depressive episode, as long as she is in my life, we’ll get through it. Whether it takes weeks or months, as long as she’s in my life we will find our way back to each other.”
She clicks her pen multiple times while staring down at her pad. Finally, she stops and sighs. “I understand why you both have a hard time fighting. I’m not convinced this is good—for either of you. Are you sure you won’t make an appointment with me by yourself?”
I laugh at the same time Daddy says. “Absolutely not.”
“He’s perfect the way he is.” I assure Charlie.
Only two months later I was pregnant.
Coming back from the memory, I shiver in the cold. The darkness from our bedroom pulls me out of the bathroom. Yet despite the chill, it isn’t back to bed but to the wall of glass in our formal living room. Walking through the condo, nightlights are activated by my movement. Outside is an inky black. I check the clock, almost four in the morning.
Garcia appears, meowing in annoyance. She is not a night cat. I’m surprised she heard me from her own room we had for her with all her toys, and litter box. She headbutts me for pets as she settles on the back of the couch. I give them.
I take the soft faux fur throw from the arm of the couch and wrap it around my naked body. I’m hiding in the dark again. Something I haven’t done in years. I’m hiding from the feeling a storm is coming. Today, we’re going to yet another sonogram to find out if we’re having a boy or girl. Two other scans, 3D scans that the doctor’s office warned us every time weren’t covered by insurance and were very expensive hadn’t been able to tell us—the baby is as stubborn as his daddy. Daddy warned them the only reason we were there was because I wanted us to be, money wasn’t an issue. He could buy his own damn machine if he wanted to. I don’t think they’ll caution us again.
I’m almost certain it’s a boy. I have no idea why, but I also feel the reason we haven’t been able to tell is because it will cause a storm. Cradling my bump, I sigh. There could be no storm at all, if I don’t do it. Daddy is content with me picking our baby’s name. All he cared about is the name be a traditional one, no odd names of colors or nature or anything like that. Basically, the name would work for a senator or congressman because their name would hopefully be on the wedding invitation of a senator or congressman’s son or daughter.
I think Raymond is a good fit on the surface. I also don’t think, I know Daddy won’t be happy. He was angry when I wanted to update Raymond’s stone when he gave me access to my investment account and I saw the new balance from him buying Beth’s house. It was the first time he ever ended an argument by walking away. After a half hour he came back and apologized, saying it was my money and I could spend it how I wanted to. However, he didn’t help me with it the way he usually did for anything I wanted. From then on, I didn’t dare bring up Ray or the headstone on the empty grave.
For a little while after that I visited the headstone but like I did with breaking up rings, talking with Charlie I finally saw it wasn’t helping me—it was hurting me.
I stopped hacking to break up rings less than three months after we got married. The decision wasn’t easy. Guilt threatened to consume me. Yet, I agreed with Charlie—it caused more pain than it helped me. Charlie finally helped me see by remaining in the middle of the dirty I was never going to feel completely clean of it.
Hacking was also our only real source of conflict. One morning he woke to find I’d been up all night and ordered me to bed with the punishment I wasn’t allowed access to my computer for a week. It was one of our few fights, if it can even be called it. I was already thinking of stopping as Charlie stated she felt it was best for me. Guilt made me lash out at him for bossing me around. Daddy ordered me to bend over for a spanking. I refused, the memory blurs all I knew was one minute I was getting the spanking of my life. The next we were having sex so roughly we both had bruises and bite marks once it was over. So. Fucking. Hot.
After Daddy carried me to the bath and held me close while I told him what I was really feeling, he apologized. I told him I didn’t want him to apologize, I loved it. He admitted it was oddly cathartic for him too. So now, every few weeks we both enjoy it.
Daddy enjoying it makes it even more delicious because he hated the rape fantasy So I told him I didn’t need it, if we could to what we just did again. He never said why one was different from the other. I didn’t question him, and I won’t. I finally understood on the night of our first anniversary when we made the sweetest love possible: Daddy preferred vanilla.
I’m embarrassed it took so long to realize. Especially when he was the one who had the experience with the kinky stuff before me. He embraced my needs and I have no doubt he enjoys it but at the end of it all, the way he loved making love was sweet and gentle.
Although Daddy keeps things interesting for the both of us. I’m tied up often and the yummy toys are used regularly. I can admit a part of me feared Daddy would become bored with me and resentful of my needs—not for a second have I ever felt he has. I’m in awe of our life together, grateful for the last three years that have been the best years of my life. A life were I felt I was still doing good, but supported in every way.
Daddy hated seeing me mourn the loss of feeling I was helping. He contacted Valdez. Since their business depended so much on him, they had basically an account they paid on every month. Daddy asked Valdez to include basically what I did, break at least one ring a month and to charge them for it.
