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“You didn’t have to come out,” I replied. “No one was forcing you. But you’re trying to force me before I’m ready, and that’s not okay.”
She studied me for a moment. “You’re right. But I don’t want to be someone’s secret.” She pushed herself on the foam, struggling to move to the edge. It was awkward and embarrassing, and I wished for the both of us we could be anywhere but here.
Just moments ago, I’d been so happy, but now I felt lower than ever, guilty for the way I’d used Xi. Maybe she was right—I’d wanted to know what it was like to kiss a girl, but I hadn’t thought of what would happen after.
It wasn’t fair to her to be kept in the shadows. If the parade had shown anything, she belonged in the spotlight. I just couldn’t stand there with her.
She got to the edge and pushed herself up, sweat beading at her temples. “I’m going home.”
“Let me give you a ride,” I said, still stuck in the pit, not wanting to move.
“Not a chance.” She drew herself to her full height. “I think you’re really cool, Kiyana. I’ve had a crush on you for a long time, but I never imagined it looking like this.” Her lips trembled before she turned and walked away, her feet heavy on the mats.
My chest ached as I sat there, knowing that once she walked away, she would be gone.
The door slammed shut, and I jerked at the sound. My cue to move. To stop the self-pity. To put on a smile like I’d always been taught to do. Because being yourself got you hurt or hurt someone else.
Nineteen
Xiomara
The summer sunhit my back but did nothing to cool the ice in my chest. I felt so dumb, not because of what Kiyana had done, but because I hadn’t seen it coming. She’d been clear that no one knew about her orientation, and she didn’t want them to.
I should have seen our kiss for what it was—she was curious, and I was the person to help give her answers. I just wished that I hadn’t liked it so much. That I didn’t feel so ashamed right now for giving my first kiss to someone who didn’t truly want to be with me. And I wished like hell that I didn’t want to kiss her again.
Because not matter how much I denied it, I wanted someone I could take to the prom. And Kiyana didn’t want to go.
I got out my phone and ordered a ride share to take me to the festival. Thankfully a driver was nearby, and I didn’t even have to hear Kiyana coming out of the gym before I was driven away.
There were texts on my phone from Van and Shelley asking where I was, asking if Kiyana and I had snuck off somewhere.
I covered my face with my hands, feeling like an even bigger idiot.
Xi: Forget I said anything. I’m on my way there now. Should be there in five.
Shelley: What happened?
Xi: She just wanted to make out with me and move on.
Van: Wait, you made out with her?
Xi: Yes. But nothing more is happening. Ever.
Shelley: We’ll meet you in the parking lot.
Then a new message came across my phone.
Unknown Number: Xi, I’m sorry. Can we talk?
Maybe I was a little excited that she had gone to the trouble to acquire my number, but that didn’t change the facts. She’s not interested in going public with me.
I needed to focus on my friends like I had for the last year. They had always been there for me, unafraid to be seen with me in public.
The driver slowed in the parking lot, and when I spotted Shelley, Van, and Ronnie, I said, “You can just drop me over there.”
He did as I asked, and soon I was out of the car and in Shelley’s arms. She hugged me tightly while Van and Ronnie stood to the side and patted my back.
“What happened?” Shelley asked.
