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I stepped back, wiping moisture from my cheeks. “I was just dumb. I let my feelings get away from me.” I was always doing that, so lost in my head I missed what was right in front of me.
Van lightly tapped his fist to my shoulder. “Happens to the best of us.”
“Clearly,” I teased, conjuring up a smile. “It’s okay. I just want to have fun.”
Ronnie grinned. “That can be arranged.” She glanced at her phone. “We have two hours before we need to be back at your place to get ready for the prom.”
“Let’s make the most of it,” I said, hoping for a distraction strong enough to take my mind off Kiyana and how her lips felt against mine.
Twenty
Kiyana
I satin my car in the empty parking lot, staring at my phone and willing Xi to reply to my text. But nothing came, not even the bubbles to show she was writing or even thinking of me.
Tears stung my eyes, and I took a deep breath, trying to shove them down.
Why did I have to be this way?
Why couldn’t I be into boys like all my cheerleading friends were? It looked so easy to them, kissing, holding hands, sitting in the laps of the guys they liked. I would give anything to be the default, but that kiss showed me that I wasn’t. And if I ever wanted to feel like that again, I couldn’t be.
My phone began ringing, and I snapped it up, hoping that Xi had called so I could apologize, ask for a little more time, but instead Stefon’s name was on the screen.
I swiped to answer, taking a deep breath to hide all my hurt, and said, “Hey, Stef.”
“Where are you? I just saw Xi with her friends.”
I waited for him to fill in the gaps. Say if she looked okay. Happy even. But he waited for my response instead.
“I screwed things up. Already,” I said.
“What do you mean?” he asked. I could hear the noise of the festival in the background—laughing and talking and music and games. It couldn’t have been more opposite to how I was feeling.
“She asked me to the prom, Stefon.”
“Oh my gosh! Did you say yes? Dillon and I were thinking it would be fun to go.”
My eyebrows drew together. How could so much have changed in only a day? Stefon was the only person I’d ever been to a dance with, and now he was ready to go public with his boyfriend? “I can’t go with her. People would assume I’m gay.”
“But you are,” he said.
“Stefon...”
“Kiyana, be honest with yourself. You were afraid of having a hard time in high school, but high school is over! The people who matter will be your friends after you come out, and if they aren’t, we’ll meet tons of people in college who won’t care either way!”
I raised my eyebrows. “Why are you making it seem so easy? You saw the way our families reacted!”
“And I’m still standing here.” His voice grew gentle. “I know I’ve only been out for a day, but I can’t tell you how good it feels to know I’m not living in hiding anymore. I’msafeto be myself in a way I never thought I was before.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I wiped them away.
He continued speaking, his voice gentle as ever. “When we started this whole charade, you said you were afraid of getting bullied in high school. High school’s over. You said you were afraid of your parents kicking you out. You’re living in the dorms, and you have a full-ride scholarship for cheer. You’re not going to be homeless, even during summer breaks, because you know you could stay with me. So what is it? What’s really holding you back?”
“I don’t want my parents to stop loving me!” I let out, my voice echoing around my car. “It might be easy for you to put everything that matters to you at risk, but I’m not as brave as you!”
Stefon was quiet for a moment. “Ki, if they don’t love you when they find out you’re gay, they never really loved you in the first place. They just loved the version of you they wanted you to be.”
It was a punch to the stomach to think the people who birthed me, who raised me, who took me on every family vacation and bought me every birthday present, could stop loving me. Could throw me away.
