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She wanted Quaid but she wasn’t sure she could trust him. Not that he would do anything to hurt her. He wouldn’t. That was part of the problem. He was one of the nicest men she knew, and if he made a promise to her, he would do anything he could to keep it. Even sacrifice his own happiness.
“Tell me what I’m doing wrong?” He whispered the question against her shoulder, his lips still moving over her skin.
Oh, she wasn’t about to let him think that. “You are perfect. It was fabulous, Quaid.”
He chuckled. “I’m not talking about the sex. I’m talking about with you. Where am I going wrong with you?”
She tilted her head up so she could see him, take in his sandy hair. It was usually perfect, but now it was mussed and curling in every direction. Only she got to see him like this. “You aren’t. It’s about me.”
“Always taking the blame.” He was quiet for a moment. “I am willing to acknowledge that I should have been more patient and sat down with you this afternoon. I should havelistened to why you wanted to take Paul’s case and explained my position. Then I should have told you that I would back you up no matter what choice you made. But you made a mistake, too.”
She wasn’t sure what he was talking about. “I agreed to everything you wanted, Quaid.”
“Yes, and then you walked away. Baby, we have to be able to fight.”
Tears pierced her eyes because he was looking at her like she was something precious. Had anyone ever looked at her the way Quaid was now? “Fighting doesn’t work.”
“It didn’t work with your ex because he wasn’t fighting.” Quaid’s deep voice rumbled through the tiny room. “He was punching down. If we argue, it’s because we’re a couple and we’re trying to work out our differences. I know I reminded you of him today and I promise I won’t do it again.”
Had that been it? Had she felt like he was manipulating her and shoved him in the same category as her ex-husband? When he’d ordered her to give him those contracts, hadn’t she spent much of the afternoon thinking about all the times Todd or one of his cronies at the firm had ordered her to do something, like they knew better than she did? Todd hadn’t considered that she was smarter than he was, had done better in school than him.
“You marginalized me.”
“I did. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t what I meant to do. All that matters is how I made you feel, and I am sorry, baby.” He cupped her cheek, his gaze so sincere. “I will never again tell you to calm down, tell you that what you’re feeling isn’t real. I won’t do it because I care about you. I won’t do it because it’s been done to me so often I can’t even stand to hear the words.”
There it was. There was his vulnerability, the one thing he’d demanded from her but withheld himself. The next fewmoments would prove if he really meant what he said. She thought about not asking the question, but she couldn’t hold back. She wanted this intimacy with him, to share the burden of something he carried with him every day. “About Paul?”
His eyes clouded for a moment and she almost called back the question, but then he lowered his head down to her chest, hugging her like she was a teddy bear. “Always about Paul. He was my little brother. I knew him better than anyone, and my parents didn’t want to listen to me when I said he had a problem.”
“When did you know?”
“He was fourteen when I caught him smoking weed. I don’t have a problem with it. It’s legal in plenty of places, but a fourteen-year-old shouldn’t be sneaking out at night to smoke,” he said quietly. “I told my father because I was worried about the people he was hanging out with. Jayna, you should know that some of those people...”
Her heart clenched. There was only one reason he would say those words. She wouldn’t have noticed what was happening back then. She’d been far too focused on her own future. “Did my cousins sell to Paul?”
“Yes. It was one of the reasons I didn’t want to talk about it with you, but not the only one. I feel some shame when it comes to Paul. I feel like I should have been able to help him.”
She sighed, so much of her anger fleeing when she heard those words from him. She hadn’t realized what she’d been holding against him until his truth broke through her walls and let her feel compassion. “You tried. You did what you could. I know my aunt did, too, and it didn’t work. Sometimes people do what they want no matter the consequences. My cousins didn’t think of anyone when they decided to sell. They thought about money and getting out of the positionthey were born into. They didn’t want to find another way. I guess in some ways, there wasn’t another way for them. I got a scholarship. They had to drop out of high school because their dad got sick and couldn’t work.”
Then her uncle died and her aunt had struggled and her cousins had been eaten up by poverty and hopelessness and had tried to take down as many people as they could with them. Apparently Quaid’s brother had gotten sucked in.
“He would have found it somewhere,” Quaid said. “He was reckless. Our father paid more attention to me, and I think it started as a way to try to get his attention and then... well, then it was a disease he couldn’t, wouldn’t try to control. I often wonder if I’d tried harder to get my parents to take it seriously, if things would have gotten as bad as they did.”
“That is not your fault.” She sat up, cupping his face in her hands. “You can’t be responsible for another person’s choices. You did what you could. Your mom... she still doesn’t listen to you about Paul, does she?”
“Paul is her baby and he always will be. He handles her perfectly. He knows exactly what to say and do to get her on his side. She doesn’t want to see how bad the problem is so she gives him cash and sends him on his way.”
“And expects you to sort everything out because you took over more than your father’s legal practice. You took over your dad’s life.”
“Pretty much. For the most part it’s not so bad, but the responsibility is starting to weigh on me. There are things I want to do that I can’t because there’s too much work to do. Having you here has been such a blessing in so many ways.”
She’d been able to take on cases that would normally eat up all of his writing time.
Was that why he wanted her to stay? Was she a convenience for him?
Why did she have to ask all these questions? Why couldn’t she stay in the moment?
“What’s wrong?” Quaid asked quietly.
